DailySusan Humor Blog

PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF MOTHERS

A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast;
but the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel.
-- Proverbs 12:10

One Mother’s Day, I got myself a GUN. Motherly, huh? Well . . . I just wanted to BLOW AWAY all those pesky WABBITS that kept destroying my precious, expensive, hybrid hosta plants.

I took target practice on an orange juice can, and lay in wait.

Aha! Here came a fat, furry rodent, munching with guiltless gusto on a (sob!) specially variegated hosta. Frowning face set like flint, I took aim.

But I couldn’t shoot.

Had my maternal instincts come to the fore?

Was it because my husband had helpfully commented, “You’ll probably just wound him. You’ll have to take a hold of him by the ears, and . . . YOU know . . . (demonstrates ultra-grotesque neck-wringing action). . . .”

Naw. What stopped my murderous rampage was the worry: what would my CHILDREN think?

Be kind to animals. Model tenderness for all God’s creatures. It’s one of the mandates of motherhood. It gets tricky, though, when you’re up against four-legged terrorists. But oh! do kids love animals. And that’s good. Challenging, but good.

The other day, Maddy, 6, found a baby bunny in our back yard. My trigger finger itched as she loved him, cuddled him, and begged to keep him. She named him “Jack Bunny.”


We eventually convinced her to put him back, behind the iris, and kept our dog Sunny away. Next morning, Jack Bunny was gone! Hooray!

Minutes later, I was on the phone on an important call, and saw Sunny cavorting in the back yard . . . WITH A LIMP AND LIFELESS JACK BUNNY IN HER MOUTH!!!! She shook him violently, back and forth! She tossed him into the air and caught him! She rolled over on her back, lazily munching on his mangled corpse!

On one hand: PAYBACK! YESSSSS!

But on the other hand: AAAIIIEEE!!! If Maddy saw this. . . .

I zoomed outside . . . and whew! It was only a fake squirrel, a dog toy. My plants may die, but Jack Bunny Lives!

Darn it.

But my trials and tribulations are nothing compared to my dear neighbor Sharon. New to the acreage lifestyle, and wanting to add an animal to her daughters’ life experiences, she drove to a whole ‘nother town to pick up a free calico cat. The farm lady declared that she was lucky, since they’d rescued her as an abandoned kitten. So they named her “Lucky Karma.”

Yeah, well, she wasn’t the ONLY one who’d gotten lucky. She was P.G.!

Undaunted, Sharon called the vet and got the prenatal lowdown, all the signs of cat labor and so forth. Midwifing kittens? He laughed: “There’s nothing to it. Just let Mother Nature take over.”

So Mother Nature’s Helper set up a box in the storage room with some ratty towels. When the great moment arrived, her kids called every friend, neighbor and soccer pal available to come over and witness the wonder of birth.

Before long, the first tiny, rat-like kitten arrived. Sharon waited to see the kitty mom spring into action, cleaning and chewing off the cord, just as the vet had promised. Nothing.

The children, clueless, were still rapt with excitement. Soon enough, another popped out. Same thing: no cord severing, minimal licking.

The rat kitties were squirming around all over, and as they were joined by litter mates, it became apparent that the still-intact cords were getting all entangled.

With visions of her daughters’ new friends going CAT-atonic over dead kitties, Sharon frantically called the vet. He told her to tie off the cords with some dental floss.

DENTAL FLOSS?

With the formerly beaming young faces looking on, she sprang into motherly mode and became SUPER VET, tying, talking, cutting, and cleansing five tiny, incredibly squirmy, entangled newborn kittens.

In the end, the young and dazed mother cat took over her natural duties, sparing Sharon from nursing and licking fur as well, much to her relief.

And they all lived happily, and squirmily, ever after.

That’s motherhood for you. We moms are “MEOW-velous.” Look how “FUR” we go for our kids! †