Friday, March 27, 2009

HIRE HUMOR:
WHAT WERE THESE
JOB APPLICANTS THINKING?

Received this email with "25 Strange Résumé Blunders":

1. An applicant ghosted a head shot as the background to her resume.

2. Other Interests: Playing with my two dogs. (They actually belong to my wife, but I love the dogs more than my wife).

3. One applicant used colored paper and drew glitter designs around the border.

4. Hobbies: Getting drunk every night down by the water, playing my guitar and smoking pot.

5. Why Interested in position: To keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail.

6. A woman had attached a picture of herself in a mini mouse costume

7. Hobbies: Drugs and girls.

8. Under job-related skills for a web designer: Can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet.

9. My sister-in-law misspelled the word proofreading in her skill set.

10. The objective on one recent resume I received stated that the applicant wished to pursue a challenging account executive position with our rival firm.

11. Objective: Career on the Information Supper Highway.

12. Experience: Stalking, shipping & receiving.

13. I am great with the pubic.

14. A candidate listed her e-mail address as pornstardelight@*****.com.

15. The applicant listed her name as Alice in the resume but wrote Alyce on the onsite application.

16. One candidate's electronic resume included links to her homepage, where there were pictures of her in the nude.

17. Sent out my resume on the back side of a draft of a cover letter to another firm.

18. My duties included cleaning the restrooms and seating the customers.

19. One applicant for a nursing position noted that she didn't like dealing with blood or needles.

20. Achievements: Nominated for prom queen.

21. I once received a resume with a head-and-shoulders picture in the top left of the first page. The picture was of a lion's head, with a coat, shirt, and tie.

22. A resume was printed on the back of the person's current employer's letterhead.

23. One resume that came across my desk stated how the individual had won a contest for building toothpick bridges in middle school.

24. A resume had several grease stains and a smudge of chocolate on it.

25. Hobbies: Having a good time.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

LOVE TO SEE HUMOR
IN UNEXPECTED PLACES

I bore a worried frown yesterday while driving on business to 59th and Maple Streets. That's downtown Benson, which is more or less inner city North Omaha nowadays. Hadn't been there for many years. Eww! The tattoo parlors! Eww! The boarded-up businesses! The area was really showing the ravages of our current economic doldrums.

Then my frown transformed into a happy grin, for there, in one of the worn-out glass storefronts, were two hilarious metal robots, one gray, one blue, and if you looked closely, you'd see Barbie dolls here and there.

Of all places, it was a law office. The robots were there just to be eye-catching -- just for fun.

Glad to see that a sense of humor is still legal in this tough economy!

Friday, March 20, 2009

HOPE THIS DOESN'T LAND ME
ON YOUR DOPELER RADAR

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational contest, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an a___hole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting lucky.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerative disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate , v.. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

FINALLY, A SENSIBLE SOLUTION
FOR THE ECONOMIC CRISIS

The business section of the St. Petersburg Times asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

Here's what one reader thought was the best response:

Patriotic retirement: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $3 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

All that for $120 million, too, vs. the hundreds of billions in Stimulus 1, Stimulus II, Romulus, Remus, TARP, etc. etc. Mama mia!

Don't just smile at the guy's bravado -- elect him President!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

THE FLOWER GIRL
DOUBLES AS THE BOUNCER

Maddy, 8, was "camp champ" at tae kwon do last night. Out of 20 kids, she won the tournament. In the finals, she defeated a boy who is three levels, or six months, ahead of her.

Feisty little thing, she is.

She's going to be the flower girl in her eldest sister's wedding in a few weeks. She'll be a vision of girlish charm in yards of white tulle. But if we're smart, we'll have her switch places with one of the ushers. Then if any of those wedding guests becomes unruly. . . .

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

WONDER WHAT CHURCHILL
HAD ON HIS 'BUCKET LIST'?

And I don't just mean the cool things he wanted to do before he died. I mean, what would a brilliant statesman like Winston Churchill have been able to cut out of that atrocious, pork-packed, socialistic budget that the Democratic-controlled Congress voted in. He was always against increasing taxes. Smart fellow!

Consider his priceless wisdom:

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity
is like a man standing in a bucket
and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

— Winston Churchill, British statesman (1874-1965)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

TWO-EYED, NO-HORNED, WARTLESS
PURPLE POTATO EATER?!?

Well, now I've heard everything. I thought I was clever to buy a bunch of bananas at the store. I told the produce clerk I was going to feed them to my daughter, and then cut off a piece of the peel, and make her hold it against a tiny little spot between two of her tiny toes that we think is an emerging wart.

They say the chemicals inside a banana peel will take out a wart and spare you the pain of having one frozen off.

But the produce clerk informed me that a BETTER remedy is to slice a purple potato, and hold THAT against the wartlet.

Her father, in fact, swears by it.

I didn't even KNOW there was such a THING as purple potatoes . . . but I'll try anything once. Actually, I bought a little sack of them in a little purple net, and they're pretty cute and I'm sure very nutritious.

We designated them for wart duty, though, and got started tonight. I'll report back, and if it works, I'll turn in a long, scholarly article about it to the New England Journal of Medicine. Typed up in PURPLE INK, of course.

Just for you purists, here are those lyrics that have been kicking around inside your head this whole time:


Lyrics to Purple People Eater
(By Sheb Wooley; sold 100 million copies; #1 song for 6 weeks in 1958)

Well I saw the thing comin' out of the sky
It had the one long horn, one big eye.
I commenced to shakin' and I said "ooh-eee"
It looks like a purple people eater to me.

It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater.
(One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater)
A one-eyed one-horned, flyin' puple people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (one eye?)

Well he came down to earth and lit in a tree
I said Mr. Purple People Eater don't eat me
I heard him say in a voice so gruff
I wouldn't eat you cuz you're so tough

It was a one-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (one horn?)

I said Mr. Purple People Eater, what's your line?

He said it's eatin' purple people and it sure is fine
But that's not the reason that I came to land
I wanna get a job in a rock and roll band

Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flying purple people eater.
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater
(we wear short shorts) Flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me.

And then he swung from the tree and lit on the ground.
He started to rock, really rockin' around
It was a crazy little ditty with a swingin' tune
(sing aboop boop aboopa lopa lum bam boom)

Well, bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple people eater.
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater.
Flyin' little people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (purple people?)

And then he went on his way, and then what do you know?
I saw him last night on a TV show.
He was blowing it out, a'really knockin' 'em dead
Playin' rock and roll music through the horn in his head (clarinet solo) (Tequila)

Monday, March 09, 2009

PINNED TO THE GROUND
BY A FULL BIN OF __________;
A NOT-SO-SUBTLE METAPHOR
FOR CURRENT STOCK MARKET WOES

We're taking care of two horses these days, Teddy and Dora. It has been cold and muddy lately, so a lot of time passed between thorough stall muckings. The other day, my Beloved and I each filled a big trash bin full of damp, heavy you-know-what. Hard work, but therapeutic as well as decorative for all concerned.

Then he had the nerve to go out of town. So I had to push the tremendously heavy bins to the curb for trash day.

With the first bin, I flung my entire body weight against it to tip it enough to roll it to the curb without too much trouble.

But the second bin must've been more full of . . . well, heavier. I gamely flung myself against it, trying to tip it, but my feet slipped. I fell to the ground and the bin came crashing down on top of me.

Pinned! By a container full of . . . you-know-what!

What a predicament. This . . . stinks.

If I pushed it back up, it might tip over and the smelly contents would be strewn all over our driveway.

If I tried to wriggle away, it would fall to the pavement and I'd never get it back upright again without digging a lot of the smelly contents out first.

Finally, with a mighty shove, I did get it to stand back upright, and left it there for my Beloved to maneuver out to the curb, with his superior muscle power.

My knee got a little wrenched, and I might have a little bruise on my right hip, but overall, I was fine.

Though it hurt a lot to see a carload of people pull out of the neighbor's driveway, all heads craned my way, and the telltale signs of moving jaws indicating that they were not only talking about my predicament, but laughing about it!

Friday, March 06, 2009

EVOLUTION MYTH-BUSTER:
SPECTACULAR UNDERSEA LIFE

This octopus has more arms than a high-school boy on a hot date in a dark theater!

I mean, really! Who still believes in biological evolution, not God's specific and purposeful creation, design and direction, when we can observe this amazing diversity of life?

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/206

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

MARXISM:
IN LIKE A LION . . .
OUT LIKE A LION!?!

A relative is from Latvia. She tells stories about a fairly nice place to live reduced to a horror by the disastrous consequences of succumbing to Marxism. For instance, she spoke of having to descend 10 flights of stairs from her apartment building to go outside and cook dinner, since there was no electricity and no fuel available under communist rule.

Look on the bright side: all those steps, and paltry dinners, would be good for our diets. BA BUM CRASH!

But enough black humor. Seriously, now, take a look at what Marxism really is, how anti-Christian and anti-Semitic Karl Marx and his ideas really were, and why we need to back away from this monster before it devours us:

http://www.greatcom.org/resources/handbook_of_todays_religions/04chap02/default.htm

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

BARRY MANILOW,
WEAPON OF MASS DISPERSION

In the central shopping district of Christchurch, New Zealand, they're piping Barry Manilow songs over the intercom. They hope the soothing tunes of the "King of Love" will either stupefy and pacify the mall-rat teens who congregate there and cause trouble, or drive them elsewhere so that the grownups can shop and do business in peace.

Reportedly, several dozen teens regularly spread trash around, spray-paint graffiti, get drunk, use drugs, cuss, and bother patrons at the outdoor mall.

The more than 400 businesses who have resorted to a musical defense policy are attempting to tell the loitering teens that they "Can, Too, Smile Without You."