Saturday, December 31, 2011

A BOOMIN' GOOD TIME
TO RING IN THE NEW YEAR

"How real men shoot skeet." I like it!

IN IOWA, THE BODY POLITIC
HAS TAKEN A BEATING

Considering the staffers who've quit the Bachmann campaign in the 11th hour, the roller-coaster polls, and the nasty ads by several of the candidates, our daughter's mispronunciation of the upcoming Presidential primary in Nebraska's neighboring state is probably closer to the truth:

She calls them "the Iowa Carcasses."

Thursday, December 29, 2011

CANDIDATE FOR THE
ODDEST CHRISTMAS GIFT?

Our family has a Yankee Swap after Christmas dinner. It features cutthroat competition for some nice, but mostly weird and strange, white elephant gifts. This year's items included a little tweener girl's pink diary that a distinguished 50-something relative could not for the life of him get anybody to swap with him for, a champagne-chocolate-mistletoe combo, and also this objet d'art:

Yes, the snow globe is pictured sideways . . .
to make it easier to see our studly coach with his feline companion.


Who knew that Nebraska football coach Bo Pelini was a cat lover? And that his engaging photo would look so lovely in a dimestore snow globe?

Everyone schemed and swapped valiantly for the obviously Photoshopped prize. Eventually it went to the youngest among us, Husker fan Maddy, age 11.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

GRANDMA CAN'T WAIT
TO TRICK BRIDGE CLUB

As usual, everybody's favorite gift under the tree this Christmas was a silly toy. Our youngest got a "Sound Machine," which is a little hand-held box that can play funny sound effects:

Plays 16 humorous sounds, mostly appropriate in all social settings.



You know: wild applause, a cannonball, funny laughter, a "boing" sound . . . totally goofy.

Well, Grandma, who is 82, loved it. She wanted one, so we ordered her one. What on earth for? To hold in her lap, under the table, at Bridge Club . . . to "comment" on good and bad bridge plays.

You're never too old for wacky fun!

Friday, December 23, 2011

GET A LUBE JOB FOR YOUR HEART:
MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y'OIL!!!

Best Christmas letter of the season goes to my pal from Dulut', who saw a big yellow sign for "Lube Pro's" with the endearing message:

NOTHING SAYS
MERRY CHRISTMAS
LIKE AN OIL CHANGE

True, that!

See you Monday. Have a wonderful time with those you love best this Christmas weekend.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

ADORABLE VIDEO CHRISTMAS CARD
IS CHARMING, MUSICAL AND SWEEEEEEEET

What's more fun than a cup full of singing marshmallows? Nothing I can think of. Our daughter works for a very creative bunch in Kansas City, and naturally, their Christmas card is great fun. She's on the upper left-hand side, sort of at 10 o'clock.

Click on this daily to meet all your Christmas season stress reduction needs . . . and think of Prizm Productions for all your present and future video needs!

http://www.prizmproductions.com/

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

THE ELVES ARE GETTING STRESSED OUT;
PROCEED WITH CAUTION 'TIL CHRISTMAS DAY

Our daughter had just paid for a car wash and was maneuvering her car into line when another motorist screeched and swerved wildly just to cut in front of her in line.

O . . . K. Luckily, since our daughter was done with finals, she was in a cheery mood, and let it go -- except that the harried driver had meant to cut in front of the OIL CHANGE line instead of the car wash line. So everybody had to stop and back up to let her out, soon after she'd gotten in.

I guess her facial expressions were hilarious.

Then comes my darling little brother, who navigates Boston's crazy traffic every day and had an "incident" today that he can only describe as "different."

Some lady driver got mad at him in traffic . . . and flipped him the bird.

That wouldn't be so unusual, except her finger was wearing A TINY LITTLE SANTA HAT!!!!!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

SHE WAS SO HUNGRY,
SHE COULD EAT A HOUSE

My friend's little boy came home with a gingerbread house he made at school today. She put it on the kitchen table, and locked her beautiful Shetland sheepdog on the other side of the gate, thinking she would hang with her new puppies. The mom then dashed to the store.



You guessed it: when she came back, the dog was standing in the middle of the kitchen table, and the plate that *had* the house on it was on the floor licked CLEAN!

Another one of her friends quipped, "That will just give your son something to talk about in counseling someday."

Monday, December 19, 2011

AH, NEWLYWEDS!
DANCIN' IN THE KITCHEN!

A friend's daughter certainly picked a winner for her new husband. The other night, he was standing at the stove cooking hash browns for their dinner. Beyonce was on the stereo. The young wife said that she would make them some coffee. He said, "No, your job is to DANCE!" He then dropped his spoon and twirled her around the kitchen in an impromptu dance to the music.

How romantic!

After 30-some years, I'm afraid my husband would have said, "No, your job is to TOTE THAT BARGE and LIFT THAT BALE!!!" Actually, I can't dance anyway. So no great loss. :>) But it's fun to know that young love and whimsical romance still rule the day in SOME people's households!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

COCK-A-DOODLE-HUNHHH???
NEVER HEARD OF THAT TREATMENT

At last night's office Christmas party, there was a really fun line dance going on. So I pulled John, my favorite retiree, out onto the dance floor. We did all the cool moves, including a couple of low squats.

Afterwards, in front of his whole table, including wife Joyce, John said that he had had some special shots into his arthritic knees. He could squat two feet lower now than he could before, without pain.

He said the shots were made of the material that is in rooster combs. He said they work great.

I retorted, "Except that you're waking Joyce up every morning at 5 o'clock, going 'Cock-a-doodle-dooooooo'!!!!"

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

WHEN THE NEIGHBOR MAN
CAN PULL YOUR LEG, BIGTIME

Years ago, I invested in some truly gorgeous and ridiculously expensive Christmas garlands to decorate our front porch. There's a matching pot topper for our front entry, a large wreath, and a few other pieces. The set has a stylish mix of greenery, wide plaid ribbon, big outdoor red and gold ball ornaments, and lots of special little touches tucked in here and there. There are classy little white lights on everything. It "goes" with our house. I love it. Life is complete.

That is, except for the first two weeks of December every year. That's when I have to "encourage" my Beloved several times to put up all of these ridiculously expensive but truly lovely decorations on our tall front columns. I'd do it myself, but it's too heavy and a little scary. It takes a ladder, some tools, some wiring, and a lot of patience. He is willing to risk life and limb after enough "encouragement." But there usually are a few new non-Christmasy vocabulary words emanating from the front porch during the put-up process. (When he puts up, then, finally, I shut up.)

Well . . . everything would be fine, except he has been bothered for years by the fact that we have about 10 trees in the front yard, and they don't have lights on them at Christmastime.

So this year, WITHOUT ASKING ME (key phrase), he went to Wally World and got a string of ridiculously cheap Christmas lights in all colors. They are strung on a white cord, which is even more garish. And his plan was to put these up in the Japanese snow crabapple tree RIGHT next to the existing ridiculously expensive, traditional, plaid ribboned, WHITE-lighted decorations. Clash, clash, clash.

His ugly lights were no doubt made by enslaved child labor in China. MINE were made right here in town by the finest craftsmen at a local nursery, ensuring American jobs, etc. etc.

By the time I saw what he was doing, though, the colored lights were already half up. We had a vigorous "discussion," and I tried to explain how badly these two decorating styles were going to CLASH, but to no avail. There was no stopping him. The garish, ugly, all-colored, white-stringed lights went up RIGHT next to my beautiful, classy decorations. It looked awful. I was a defeated woman.

I went inside to pout. A few minutes later, I returned outside to find our neighbor man, visiting with my Beloved, beholding the schizophrenic light display.

"Hi, Susan!" he said, in his jolly manner. I was wary, but clueless.

Then he frowned: "WHITE lights?" he intoned, with a high degree of disgust, pointing to my beautiful, ridiculously expensive, white-lighted garlands on the front columns, and then toward the crabapple tree's garish, all-colored display. "You're going to have those ugly old WHITE lights, right next to these beautiful, new COLORED lights?!?!?"

My heart beat once. Then twice.

FINALLY, I got it. He was pulling my leg. He and my Beloved bent over laughing at my confused facial expression. BOK CHOY! UFF DAH!!!

MEN!!! They have no taste . . . and they love to flaunt it.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

SANTA'S WORKSHOP
FOR PHYSICS FANS

This fantastic Rube Goldberg-style physics demonstration is actually a Honda ad, and comes from the parts of two hand-assembled Honda Accords.

There's not a bit of computer animation or "fix" -- but it didn't work perfectly 'til the 606th "take" and cost $6 million.

However, from the windpower to the windshield wipers (they are designed to start working as soon as they get wet), you'd have to say it's worth every penny. Santa would approve!

Monday, December 12, 2011

CHRISTMAS PHOTO SHOOTS WITH KIDS:
EVERYBODY NEEDS A SHOT OF SANITY SPRAY

I bow at the feet of a master of comedy. Listen to this grandmother describe her Christmas photo shoot with a daughter-in-law's side of the family:

Because cousin Lillian, 2, was vomiting last Sunday when the (family) was scheduled to have their annual family Christmas photos taken, everything was cancelled. SO, yesterday they gathered at Trev's after church and assigned me to take photos with Jeff's good camera.

For one shot, Jeff and Becky sat on the stairs, with all 6 grandkids (4 boys, 2 girls) on the steps above and below them, while Becky held the littlest, 9 mo old Keelynn Grace.......

As I snapped photos, hoping at least one would be good, the three moms, (Leah, Elisha, Josalynn) were all standing around me, simultaneously coaching their kids, trying to be heard over each others' commands.....it was like a Mideast market place.

"Carson! Look at Mommy! Lillian, sit down!"

"Asher! Get your head out of the railing & look here at Mommy! Mom, Keelynn's head needs to be higher! Asher! Stop that!"

"Landon! Stand up! We can't see you behind Gramma and Grampa! Eli! Look at Mommy! Eli, look here! Landon, stand up, please!"

I just snapped photos......finally, at one oddly quiet moment, when the mommies all took a breath at the same time, 3-yr-old Landon spoke up:


"Wow, this is a lot of WORK!"

Saturday, December 10, 2011

FAVE G, GOGS, BOOMPA, TICTAC . . .
AND THE WINNER IS. . . .

Collected quite a few adorable grandparent nicknames over the last couple of days. Here's a website with a lot of great ones:

http://www.grandparents.com/gp/content/activitiesandevents/everyday-activities/article/grandparent-names.html

Have to say that our own family's grandparent names are right up there -- Fave G (short for Favorite Grandma) and Funny Grandpa (born of a hilarious few moments with a jack-in-the-box and a grandchild on his lap), and Gammie and NoNo (our eldest, Jordan, at about age 1 was trying to fiddle with his cigarettes in his shirt pocket -- this was back in the day when "everybody" smoked -- and he gently chided her, "No! No!" -- and of course, it stuck).

But the one I most hope my future grandkids will choose for me is "Honey." That would be . . . sweeeeet.

Also like my world's-youngest-grandma neighbor Sheryl's story. Sheryl's adorable grandson Hunter emulates his grandpa. Grandpa calls her "Sheryl." So Hunter calls her "Sheryl," too. The tiny toddler worships the ground she walks on. He's also slightly confused, but in a darling way.

The other day, Hunter asked, "Sheryl? When I get to be my daddy's age, can you and I go out on a date?"

Friday, December 09, 2011

GREATEST GRANDPARENT NICKNAMES
IN MODERN-DAY HISTORY

Love "Grammie." Love "Oma." Love "Nonee." Love "Nana."

But today, I heard the best grandparent "love names" of all:

Cash and Sugar.

Everything you need in life! I don't care how many years I have to wait. Those, I hope, will be our nicknames. Because you know, with inflation, our future grandchildren are going to definitely need a lot of cash . . . and nobody can ever get enough sugar.