Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Win a Golf Tournament, Get a Jacket

Mr. Wonderful's recent men's golf stag was a funhouse take on much more famous golf tournaments. For example, you've probably heard of The Masters in Augusta, Ga., one of the worldwide majors. The climax is when the previous year's champion helps the new winner put on a beautiful, classy, green sport jacket.

Well, at this local tournament, the winner of each flight got to come forward and put on a jacket, all right -- but they were all about $3 jobbies from the local thrift shop. My husband's was actually a women's collarless jacket in a jaunty black, white and gray buffalo plaid. He didn't look THIS bad in it, but pretty close:

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

When Golfers Get Too Frisky: FORE!

Hubby was in a men's stag golf tournament over the weekend that featured one crazy golfer in a Scottish outfit, complete with kilt.

Apparently, he bragged of "going commando" in the underwear department, though mercifully, he didn't try to prove it.

However, it was unwise of the organizers to place the beer coolers in a prominent part of the ballroom for the party afterwards. The kilt wearer manfully strode up to the cooler to get a beer, bent over . . .

. . . and removed alllllllll doubt.

It gave new meaning to the term "highland fling."

Friday, July 15, 2016

Future Flirting Pro

Grandma, Mom and Dad, and Brian, age 9, were at a restaurant. The waitress was a gorgeous blonde young woman.

When Brian ordered, he asked all kinds of questions about the fish tacos on the menu. She answered kindly. When the food came, he asked for extra salsa, which she brought, and later a go-box, which she provided.

When she came with the bill, Brian brought down the house. He looked at her and said:

"CALL ME!!!"

Thursday, July 14, 2016

What We Need to Ban to Stay Safe

The horrible terrorism incident on Bastille Day in Nice, France, has created a worldwide push to ban ASSAULT TRUCKS.

That reminds me -- since the murder "weapon" in the case of Steven Roy Harper in Omaha many years ago was actually a pitcher of lemonade in which he placed poison, I feel we also need to ban ASSAULT LEMONADE.

Then one of the murderers on Death Row in Nebraska drowned a little boy in the bathtub. Naturally, this calls for a worldwide ban on ASSAULT BATHTUBS.

Sheesh. The only BAN I want to hear about is the added DEODORANT under the arms of ISIS terrorists when they hear American bombers overhead. :>)

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Arm & Hammer, or Maybe Arm & Pudding

Have been doing a lot of gardening and yard work. My new hobby is feeling my arm muscles with pride and satisfaction.

However, maternal buffness is in the eye of the beholder. One time, years ago, I offered my bicep to Maddy, age 10. "Go ahead. Squeeze!" I expected a proclamation that I was muscle-bound.

Instead, she said, "That feels like pudding in a Target sack."

Back to the drawing board, or perhaps the weight room.