Tuesday, December 08, 2009

AH, THE SWEET SENTIMENTS
OF SUNDAY SCHOOL AT CHRISTMASTIME

Maddy, 9, walked out of Sunday School with a great, big smile on her face. At this time of year, I figured her class had just spent the hour singing Christmas carols or making ornaments or something. I thought she was filled with the Christmas spirit.

But nooooo. Here's what she said:

"I CAN'T WAIT TO BURN ANTS AGAIN NEXT SUMMER!!!"

Our church is not into weird doctrine. Believe me, we are NOT for burning ants. All that happened was that she noticed it was no longer summer, and she couldn't wait for summer to come back, and one reason was so that she could get out her magnifying glass and see what mayhem she could create in the garden.

What made her think of it? She didn't know.

Not very Christmasy! But there you go. These kids have ants in their pants, mentally, don't they?

Friday, December 04, 2009

T-SHIRTS WE LIKE

I'm Not Quitting;
I'm Just Going Away and Never Coming Back.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

BUMPER SNICKERS
WE LIKE

It was actually on a file cabinet, not on a car bumper, but has a gentle humor:

Have You Prayed For a Liberal Today?

Friday, November 20, 2009

QUOTES WE LIKE:
BUT WHAT'S FOUR?

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

-- John Adams (1735-1826),
Second President of the United States
and Revolutionary War leader

Thursday, November 19, 2009

THE CARDIOLOGIST'S DIET:
NO KIDDING

Thanksgiving is a-comin'. Is it your favorite holiday, too? My tastebuds start firing up in mid-July, just thinking about all those favorite foods at the beloved annual feast.

But . . . I'm not as slim and trim as I should be, to be taking in all those extra calories. I should diet, this next week.

Now, we've had the Atkins Diet. And Weight Watchers. And South Beach. And so many more.

None of them worked for me in the long run. Guess it's time to follow the Cardiologist's Diet:

IF IT TASTES GOOD, SPIT IT OUT.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

FROM THE 'WHAT A WOILD' DEPARTMENT:
BE CAREFUL WITH THOSE DEGREES!

Have you winced when you see all these tactless ads for a certain medical condition in men which is abbreviated as "E.D."? Think of the poor educators who've worked so hard to get a doctoral degree in education. Maybe they should put the small "d" in Ed.D. in a different color so that people will be sure to notice what it DOESN'T signify.

What's worse, our college-age daughter was standing behind me at my desk and started to snicker. I looked where she was looking: it was my Strong's concordance, a very useful Bible reference book that's well over 1,300 pages. She was laughing at the designation behind the very scholarly author's name:

James Strong, S.T.D.

It stands for "Sacrae Theologiae Doctor," a very high-falutin' academic degree.

Somehow, I think the "S" that he was trying to transmit has more to do with SPIRITUALITY than that other "S" word.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

WHOOPS! CORRECTION

Some readers got a bigger kick out of the mistake than the anecdote: in the last posting, that was Nancy SINATRA, not Nancy Fonda. Sorry about mixing celebrity metaphors but hope the flashback to white-lipstick days made you smile. These Boots Are Made For Walkin'. . . .
GIRLISH 'SPIN' ON FOOTBALL:
TAKE TWO

Not to be outdone by their little sister's description of football tackling as "mean hugging," our three older daughters developed these football concepts in their early (and often!) indoctrination in all things Husker:

1. Football players are "go-go's." This must date to the days when we would cheer on our team on TV, shouting, "Go! Go!" to a particular player making a long run, and our girls thought that was the name of the team. With visions of Nancy Fonda in tall, white boots, we always call them "go-go's" now and think it's a much more apt description than "football players."

2. Football players wear uniforms that snug under their knees, but one of our daughters misunderstood and thought they were stylin'. "Ooh!" she exclaimed. "They wear CAPRIS!"

Monday, November 16, 2009

AND LET'S HOPE THEY DO
A LOT OF IT THIS SATURDAY

Our daughter Maddy has gone to a number of University of Nebraska football games this fall. She puts a 9-year-old girl's perspective on the game with her new definition of tackling:

MEAN HUGGING

Saturday, November 14, 2009

A DEEP-THINKNG FRIEND
WITH A DRY SENSE OF HUMOR

John is a childhood friend. Yes, he was always funny, in a deep way. He is in to diving now -- the kind you do in the ocean. So no wonder he came up with this . . . excuse the expression . . . pearl:

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if it weren't for the sponges that live there.

Friday, November 13, 2009

BUMPER STICKER SUGGESTS
A MODICUM OF JOB SECURITY

Plumbers and morticians have the best job security in the country. But writers? Hmm. Not so much.

But here's a funny bumper sticker that gives me hope:

SOME PEOPLE HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS.
SOME NOT HAVE WAY.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

A NEW MARKET
FOR PORN?!?

I was sad to learn this week that corn ethanol is 30% LESS efficient than regular gasoline. On top of that, it is very expensive despite being subsidized to the tune of tens of billions of tax dollars in recent years. And, according to the University of Minnesota in a recent study, corn ethanol is actually WORSE for the environment than regular gasoline.

At my house, they used to call this situation "taking the gassssssss."

But there's hope for all those behemoth ethanol plants that we've subsidized and built all over the heartland. I heard a radio report the other day in which the speaker mumbled over the phrase "making ethanol out of corn" . . . and, weirdo that I am, I thought he said "making ethanol out of PORN."

Saaaaay! There's a solution! I realize most porn is online these days, but just imagine the happy smiles on the faces of all the decent people when mountains of dirty magazines are cooked up into fuel for our vehicles.

If my hot, red Mini Cooper ran on PORN ETHANOL fuel, then it would be REALLY sexy to drive!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

OOH! NOT SO DAILY LATELY, EH?
I'LL TRY TO GET BACK IN THE SWING
WITH A FUNNY STORY ABOUT AN 80-YEAR-OLD RASCAL

My mom turned 80 last week. She grows in humor as much as loveliness and wisdom. She is now stirring the pot as an octogenarian, and loves the role.

A few evenings ago, her phone rang. It was a 50-something neighbor, out walking his dog. He noticed that she had left her garage door up. As a matter of security, he advised her to close it. She thanked him and did.

Next afternoon, she came out of her condo to go to her mailbox. The same neighbor man was out walking the same dog, standing and chatting with another neighbor man in a car.

Mom got one of her ideas.

She waved and called out coquettishly: "Oh, Ed! Thanks for last night!"

The look on both men's faces was priceless . . . and Mom got a bigger kick out of it than any of her birthday presents.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

NEVER SEND A GUY
TO THE GROCERY STORE

Here's a hilarious video from a woman who did the unthinkable. She sent her husband to the grocery store with a crystal-clear list of things to purchase. And all hell broke loose. Can you relate?

I'm remembering the time my Beloved returned home from a rare shopping trip with a container of baking soda the size of a REFRIGERATOR BOX!!! I guess it was the size they use to clean swimming pools, not bake a few batches of chocolate chip cookies. Oy! I'm sure I said something witty and sarcastic, and he replied, supremely hurt, "But it was ON your list, and it was on SALE!!!"

I used that same baking soda for centuries to salve his self-esteem . . . but he never volunteered to shop for me again. Too dangerous!

See how this hubby responded in the same situation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YFRUSTiFUs&feature=related

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU SAY
HUNH?!?!?!?

Our dry cleaner's sends out a handy-dandy e-coupon that often contains the wisdom of the ages. Here is this week's missive, with my elaborations:

-- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

That's a lot of hearing "aids."


-- A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off.

I'd be too chicken to see it.


-- A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.

Next they'll make hats.


A cow produces 200 times more gas a day than a person.

They don't know my Beloved.


A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

Wonder if the newly-minted ones start out with none?


A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

Bet the boys still take forever to come to the dinner table.


A fully loaded supertanker travelling at normal speed takes a least twenty minutes to stop.

Driver's ed teachers should convey that concept to 15-year-old student drivers.


A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.

Not touching that one with a 21-inch pole. :>)

Monday, August 17, 2009

FOR THOSE WHO THINK
CREATIONISM
IS DOO-DOO

Everybody loves dinosaurs, but bet most of us have never thought about this aspect of their time on Earth:

According to the journal Paleontology, researchers in Argentina have discovered that if it wasn't for the South American scarab dung beetles, the whole South American continent would have been buried knee-deep in dinosaur manure.

Those gigantic creatures churned out a lot of you-know-what. But, the researchers found, those busy dung beetles collected it and buried it underground in caches the size of tennis balls to provide (eww!) food for their young.

If they hadn't, then disease-carrying flies would've gone wild, and the dung would have made plant growth nigh on impossible.

It's just another good example of the symbiosis, or mutually-beneficial relationships, with which God designed the world. Yeah, sure, some people say these are just lucky breaks -- happy coincidences -- millions of them. Just "random chance."

Oh, yeah? What a crock. :>)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

SO MUCH FOR VOLUNTEERING
IN THE GEEZER COMPLEX

Maddy went with us this evening to visit an elderly relative who is temporarily in what we used to call "an old folks' home," recovering from an injury.

A bright spot was trying out the soft-serve ice cream machine in the community room, and sitting outside and enjoying the lovely July evening. Better still, here came a nice teen-age boy who takes piano lessons right after Maddy. He was straightening chairs and helping out. Turns out he is a volunteer there, out of the goodness of his heart and because he has a desire to work with the elderly some day. Isn't that nice?

But Maddy would have none of that volunteering idea. "I heard a lady say real loud and cheerfully, 'LET'S PUT SOME CREAM ON YOUR BOTTOM!!!'" she exclaimed. "I'm not doing that!"

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A BIG, COLD, WET, ICKY SPIDER?

Maddy had this hot-weather joke today that really cooled me off:

Q. What do you call a scorpion at the North Pole?

A. LOST!

Monday, July 20, 2009

CHOLESTEROL VS. CUPCAKE:
TIMING IS EVERYTHING . . . DARN IT

I love cupcakes. My idea of online porn is to visit www.sprinkles.com So it was with a happy grin that I read of the world's largest cupcake on display this past weekend at the Mall of America. It weighed 150 pounds, wtih 60 pounds of icing, and served 1,500 happy people. Prepared by www.cakes.com, it made the Guinness Book of World Records.

That's the good news. The BAD news is, we had our health screening last week, and my cholesterol is 'way up. I got the call minutes after reading about the big cupcake.

So no cupcakes for me. It's back on a serious diet and exercise plan. WAH!

Maybe by the time I get back into shape, they'll have the world's largest HoHo on display, and even if I can't eat it, I can ogle it.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

CELEBRITY CRAYFISH
MEETS HIS MAKER
ALONG WITH MICHAEL, FARRAH, ED & NOW KARL

Sheesh. A lot of celebrities have died in recent days. Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Karl Malden . . . and now we learn of the peaceful yet tragic demise of Bob the Crayfish.

He was the classroom superstar for some west Omaha kids this past year. They observed him, they cut worms for him, they wrote stories about him, they learned about habitats and the environment through him, and most of all, they brought hats for him to wear. LOTS OF HATS!!!

My teacher friend, who's more than a little creative and wacky, made this memorial video in tribute before she laid him to eternal rest:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMehTFPPWlE

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

OUT OF THE MOUTHS
OF HUSBANDS . . .

I've been enjoying an email exchange with an old friend of my mother-in-law. She is a darn good writer and has made me laugh out loud several times.

She writes about a tact-free moment between a husband and a wife to which many of us can relate:

"I celebrated my 75th birthday several years ago. Friends and family showered me with appropriate hugs and high praise. Jim took it all in, and then inquired, "Sheila, aren't you the same age as your mother was when she died?"

Monday, June 29, 2009

FEELING A BIT . . .
SLUGGISH?

Over the weekend, one of the soccer moms on the sidelines was telling me an interesting anecdote from her childhood. It seems her parents were close friends with a couple who were Christian missionaries down in the Amazon River area of South America. They would visit every other year or so, traveling by canoe into the jungle, to spend a few days with their friends.

They told amazing stories, such as the fact that the Americans ate whatever the natives ate, to fit in, and that included SLUGS.

Gulp. (Not literally.)

I was telling our daughter Eden about that, and she beamed. "Of course, the natives were only KIDDING," she razzed me. "They would only PRETEND to eat the slugs. Then they'd wait 'til the missionaries ate them, and then go, 'Ewwwwww!!!!! How could you EAT those?!?!'"

She could be right . . . and the worst part is that a true Christian missionary couldn't even SLUG a native for a trick like that.

Friday, June 26, 2009

DAIRY DISNEYLAND
IS FANT-AG-STIC

There are a lot of controversies in agriculture today. But here's an agribusiness that's doing a great job using entertaining agritourism to bridge the urban-rural divide. This dairy farm is able to teach farming's fans and critics alike what a well-run 21st Century food production operation should be like. Moooooooove over, Hollywood:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJRy82i8e5Q

Thursday, June 25, 2009

BUT MOM ALWAYS TOLD YOU
NOT
TO THROW STUFF IN THE TOILET!

I was going through some old news clippings and story ideas when I came across a Wall Street Journal travel article about a historic hotel in Italy. Since one of our daughters is leaving on a trip there in a few days, I looked it over to see if it might be worth recommending as a side trip.

Mama mia! A bit too swank for our taste. Here's the first paragraph:

"The Grand Hotel, a Vila Feltrinelli on Italy's Lake Garda, spares no detail to make hotel guests feel like they're living La Dolce Vita. Waiters uncork a bottle of Champagne with a ceremonial sword, an attendant stands by at the pool should anyone want an outdoor massage, and rose petals are sprinkled in the toilet."

Note the price: $1,700 -- and that's not per year or even per month. Per NIGHT! The lake on which the beautiful hotel stands was in the recent James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace. There are 82 staffers for 21 hotel rooms. Eek, eek, eek.

The only redeeming factor was that there is a hotel cat, Winston. Wonder if they sprinkle rose petals in his litter box?!?

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

TYPHOON BUFFOON
OR KNOW-IT-ALL MOM?

I asked Eden, our college-aged daughter, if she would please open the boxes of the hurricane glass centerpieces I ordered for her eldest sister's upcoming wedding, and check the glass for cracks and crookedness while there's still time to exchange them.

On my way out the door on errands, I hurriedly told her that we got two sizes, so some boxes will have two, and some will have just one.

Now imagine the pages of the calendar flying off. I completely forgot about the assigned task.

Days later, we were lounging at the kitchen table, and out of the clear blue sky, she asked:

"Mom, how many hurricanes are there?"

Wish I had a photo of my face. I thought she meant great, big ocean storms. I thought she was asking me how many of them there have ever been, throughout the world, for as long as time, which, of course, I hadn't the slightest molecule of an idea how many.

Gee! My daughter thinks I'm THAT smart! That's a switch!

But nooooooo. She didn't mean storms. She meant that she hadn't yet scrutinized those hurricane-glass centerpieces downstairs and was wondering if the task was going to cut into her busy schedule of lounging, snacking and watching T . . . I mean, if she could fit it in around all her intensive studying for finals.

THAT's all.

Come to think of it, I didn't remember how many of the centerpieces we had, either, but at least I think my guess could come a lot closer.

Monday, May 04, 2009

YOU KNOW IT'S MONDAY MORNING
WHEN YOU HEAR AN EXCUSE LIKE THIS

As the school year winds down to a close, the social and sports schedule of our 9-year-old heats up to a fever pitch.

Maddy had a busy weekend with soccer practice, tae kwon do, a birthday party, horseback riding with her fun new babysitter, church, a little neighborhood clean-up participation . . . so she was sleepy at breakfast this morning.

I leaned across the kitchen island, trying to establish eye contact in order to list her scheduled activities after school today: tae kwon do, shagging balls at the high school soccer game, piano practice. . . .

Rubbing her eyes, she interrupted me:

"Slow down, Mom! My FRECKLES aren't even awake yet."

Friday, May 01, 2009

FUN WITH FOGIES:
KEEP 'EM JUMPING WITH A JOKE ABOUT FALLING

I have a very dear elderly buddy who moved recently to a senior citizen center up in North Dakota to be near his family. He can see a lot of northern wildlife cavorting out his window, and he really likes living there.

He reported that he has started a physical therapy class designed to teach balance in order to keep from falling, a major threat to older folks.

In the first session, each "student" told about their own experiences with falling.

The oldest guy went last. At 93, he muttered devilishly:

"They must have had us folks in mind when they named this town 'Fergus FALLS.'"

It brought down the house . . . so to speak.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

INTRO TO TAE KWON DO,
OR AS MY BELOVED CALLS IT,
TAE KON DWO

Today I broke a board with my bare hand! It felt awesome. I couldn't believe a pudgy-handed wuss like me could do it.

Our daughter's tae kwon do instructor graciously agreed to come to the inner-city grade school that I volunteer to help on Wednesday afternoons through my new charity, www.AfterSchoolTreats.com He gave a one-hour demonstration and beginning lesson that had the kids beaming, listening spellbound, and thoroughly enjoying themselves.

At the end, he called me up to be the guinea pig for a board-breaking demonstration. I thought I was just going to hold it for him. But noooo -- he coached me with about three tips, and then WHAM! I did it, with the heel of my hand.

Fun! Now I want to learn more about the martial arts -- and think getting good at it might help me with the MARITAL arts, too. Speak softly and carry a big . . . heel of your hand?!?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

NOW I'VE HEARD EVERYTHING:
A FLYING CHIHUAHUA?!?

Tinker Bell, a 6-pound Chihuahua, was swept up by a 70-mph gust of wind at a flea market near Detroit and found nearly a mile away, dirty and hungry but unhurt.

Owners Dorothy and Lavern Utley thought she was . . . excuse the expression . . . gone with the wind. But they employed a pet psychic . . . you read that right . . . to find the little pooch in a wooded area near Waterford Township, Mich.

All together now:

The house began to pitch,
The wind blew the little bitch . . . or something like that.

Monday, April 27, 2009

GO, GRANDPA, GO, GRANDPA,
GO, GRANDPA, GO!

According to a Tacoma, Wash., TV station, an 84-year-old man fended off two would-be carjackers by kicking one in the groin and the other in the stomach.

Ted Mazetier said he stopped one night last week to help two men with a disabled car when one punched him in the face and demanded his keys. He responded with self-defense, and the two men fled as a passer-by stopped to help.

Police arrested two suspects for investigation of assault.

Mazetier, who suffered a black eye in the incident, said he'll think twice before stopping again to help someone on the street.

I bet he still will. Now he's both older AND wiser . . . and unlike his assailants, he still knows right from wrong.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

ALSO HAS A SALAD BAR
AND 14 HIDDEN POCKETS

I was whining to a friend about the dress I'm going to wear to our darling daughter's wedding. Actually, it's gorgeous and I'm excited. But around the front of the shoulders, it's kind of cut at an angle, so I can't wear my usual East German Border Guard undergarments.

She told me about a store in town where they'll measure you and help you find just the right kind of strapless, backless, upless and downless foundation garment that will make you look great and not show any straps or anything like that, reposition your tummy flab, take 10 pounds off your overall weight, and feel light and comfortable all night, too.

"It even squashes your upper-arm fat," she said. I expressed delight . . . but, too late, realized she was putting me on.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

LIKE AN ACTION MOVIE HERO
TAKING OVER A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE

Maddy, 9, whined and complained about going to church on such a cool, blustery morning. No soap, Lazy Bones. Off we went.

We got to the parking lot, and she sighed. Then, grabbing the door handle, she ordered:

"OK, people. Let's do this!"

Thursday, April 09, 2009

ANOTHER KID JOKE:
NO TELL MOTEL FROM HELL

That kids' Comedy Club activity we did last week yielded another crazy joke that got a lot of laughs:

Q. What did the sign say on the front of the crummy motel?

A. Sorry, We're Open

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, KID:
HERE WAS THE COMEDY CLUB WINNER

Last week, we held a "Comedy Club" in the inner-city grade school in which I lead enrichment activities on Wednesday afternoons. Of all the jokes, riddles and stories told by all the kids, this one got the most applause.

(Note to all of you who gave up candy and other treats for Lent, and are finally coming down the home stretch, with just a few days of self-sacrifice to go -- this one's for you):

Teacher: If you had five pieces of candy, and Joey asked you for one, how many pieces would you have left?

Student: Five.

Monday, April 06, 2009

MODERN TECHNOLOGY
SUGGESTS A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT CAUSE
FOR THE ORIGIN OF THE UNIVERSE

Weekend before last, I attended a series of talks by an eminent astrophysicist who is a strong Christian and believes that God created the world. From his vantage point, there's no evidence for evolution among the stars. So it follows that if they didn't evolve, life on Earth didn't evolve, either.

He blew my mind talking about how technology allows astrophysicists to look back through time, to see things that happened countless light years away, using their powerful telescopes. He said it's to the point now where they can actually see The Big Bang!

Now, he didn't SAY this, but I heard it later: they've also developed highly sensitive AUDIO equipment and can go all the way back to a moment BEFORE The Big Bang. And THIS is what they heard:

"Uh oh!!!!!"

Friday, March 27, 2009

HIRE HUMOR:
WHAT WERE THESE
JOB APPLICANTS THINKING?

Received this email with "25 Strange Résumé Blunders":

1. An applicant ghosted a head shot as the background to her resume.

2. Other Interests: Playing with my two dogs. (They actually belong to my wife, but I love the dogs more than my wife).

3. One applicant used colored paper and drew glitter designs around the border.

4. Hobbies: Getting drunk every night down by the water, playing my guitar and smoking pot.

5. Why Interested in position: To keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail.

6. A woman had attached a picture of herself in a mini mouse costume

7. Hobbies: Drugs and girls.

8. Under job-related skills for a web designer: Can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet.

9. My sister-in-law misspelled the word proofreading in her skill set.

10. The objective on one recent resume I received stated that the applicant wished to pursue a challenging account executive position with our rival firm.

11. Objective: Career on the Information Supper Highway.

12. Experience: Stalking, shipping & receiving.

13. I am great with the pubic.

14. A candidate listed her e-mail address as pornstardelight@*****.com.

15. The applicant listed her name as Alice in the resume but wrote Alyce on the onsite application.

16. One candidate's electronic resume included links to her homepage, where there were pictures of her in the nude.

17. Sent out my resume on the back side of a draft of a cover letter to another firm.

18. My duties included cleaning the restrooms and seating the customers.

19. One applicant for a nursing position noted that she didn't like dealing with blood or needles.

20. Achievements: Nominated for prom queen.

21. I once received a resume with a head-and-shoulders picture in the top left of the first page. The picture was of a lion's head, with a coat, shirt, and tie.

22. A resume was printed on the back of the person's current employer's letterhead.

23. One resume that came across my desk stated how the individual had won a contest for building toothpick bridges in middle school.

24. A resume had several grease stains and a smudge of chocolate on it.

25. Hobbies: Having a good time.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

LOVE TO SEE HUMOR
IN UNEXPECTED PLACES

I bore a worried frown yesterday while driving on business to 59th and Maple Streets. That's downtown Benson, which is more or less inner city North Omaha nowadays. Hadn't been there for many years. Eww! The tattoo parlors! Eww! The boarded-up businesses! The area was really showing the ravages of our current economic doldrums.

Then my frown transformed into a happy grin, for there, in one of the worn-out glass storefronts, were two hilarious metal robots, one gray, one blue, and if you looked closely, you'd see Barbie dolls here and there.

Of all places, it was a law office. The robots were there just to be eye-catching -- just for fun.

Glad to see that a sense of humor is still legal in this tough economy!

Friday, March 20, 2009

HOPE THIS DOESN'T LAND ME
ON YOUR DOPELER RADAR

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational contest, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an a___hole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting lucky.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerative disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate , v.. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

FINALLY, A SENSIBLE SOLUTION
FOR THE ECONOMIC CRISIS

The business section of the St. Petersburg Times asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

Here's what one reader thought was the best response:

Patriotic retirement: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $3 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

All that for $120 million, too, vs. the hundreds of billions in Stimulus 1, Stimulus II, Romulus, Remus, TARP, etc. etc. Mama mia!

Don't just smile at the guy's bravado -- elect him President!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

THE FLOWER GIRL
DOUBLES AS THE BOUNCER

Maddy, 8, was "camp champ" at tae kwon do last night. Out of 20 kids, she won the tournament. In the finals, she defeated a boy who is three levels, or six months, ahead of her.

Feisty little thing, she is.

She's going to be the flower girl in her eldest sister's wedding in a few weeks. She'll be a vision of girlish charm in yards of white tulle. But if we're smart, we'll have her switch places with one of the ushers. Then if any of those wedding guests becomes unruly. . . .

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

WONDER WHAT CHURCHILL
HAD ON HIS 'BUCKET LIST'?

And I don't just mean the cool things he wanted to do before he died. I mean, what would a brilliant statesman like Winston Churchill have been able to cut out of that atrocious, pork-packed, socialistic budget that the Democratic-controlled Congress voted in. He was always against increasing taxes. Smart fellow!

Consider his priceless wisdom:

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity
is like a man standing in a bucket
and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

— Winston Churchill, British statesman (1874-1965)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

TWO-EYED, NO-HORNED, WARTLESS
PURPLE POTATO EATER?!?

Well, now I've heard everything. I thought I was clever to buy a bunch of bananas at the store. I told the produce clerk I was going to feed them to my daughter, and then cut off a piece of the peel, and make her hold it against a tiny little spot between two of her tiny toes that we think is an emerging wart.

They say the chemicals inside a banana peel will take out a wart and spare you the pain of having one frozen off.

But the produce clerk informed me that a BETTER remedy is to slice a purple potato, and hold THAT against the wartlet.

Her father, in fact, swears by it.

I didn't even KNOW there was such a THING as purple potatoes . . . but I'll try anything once. Actually, I bought a little sack of them in a little purple net, and they're pretty cute and I'm sure very nutritious.

We designated them for wart duty, though, and got started tonight. I'll report back, and if it works, I'll turn in a long, scholarly article about it to the New England Journal of Medicine. Typed up in PURPLE INK, of course.

Just for you purists, here are those lyrics that have been kicking around inside your head this whole time:


Lyrics to Purple People Eater
(By Sheb Wooley; sold 100 million copies; #1 song for 6 weeks in 1958)

Well I saw the thing comin' out of the sky
It had the one long horn, one big eye.
I commenced to shakin' and I said "ooh-eee"
It looks like a purple people eater to me.

It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater.
(One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater)
A one-eyed one-horned, flyin' puple people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (one eye?)

Well he came down to earth and lit in a tree
I said Mr. Purple People Eater don't eat me
I heard him say in a voice so gruff
I wouldn't eat you cuz you're so tough

It was a one-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (one horn?)

I said Mr. Purple People Eater, what's your line?

He said it's eatin' purple people and it sure is fine
But that's not the reason that I came to land
I wanna get a job in a rock and roll band

Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flying purple people eater.
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater
(we wear short shorts) Flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me.

And then he swung from the tree and lit on the ground.
He started to rock, really rockin' around
It was a crazy little ditty with a swingin' tune
(sing aboop boop aboopa lopa lum bam boom)

Well, bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple people eater.
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater.
Flyin' little people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (purple people?)

And then he went on his way, and then what do you know?
I saw him last night on a TV show.
He was blowing it out, a'really knockin' 'em dead
Playin' rock and roll music through the horn in his head (clarinet solo) (Tequila)

Monday, March 09, 2009

PINNED TO THE GROUND
BY A FULL BIN OF __________;
A NOT-SO-SUBTLE METAPHOR
FOR CURRENT STOCK MARKET WOES

We're taking care of two horses these days, Teddy and Dora. It has been cold and muddy lately, so a lot of time passed between thorough stall muckings. The other day, my Beloved and I each filled a big trash bin full of damp, heavy you-know-what. Hard work, but therapeutic as well as decorative for all concerned.

Then he had the nerve to go out of town. So I had to push the tremendously heavy bins to the curb for trash day.

With the first bin, I flung my entire body weight against it to tip it enough to roll it to the curb without too much trouble.

But the second bin must've been more full of . . . well, heavier. I gamely flung myself against it, trying to tip it, but my feet slipped. I fell to the ground and the bin came crashing down on top of me.

Pinned! By a container full of . . . you-know-what!

What a predicament. This . . . stinks.

If I pushed it back up, it might tip over and the smelly contents would be strewn all over our driveway.

If I tried to wriggle away, it would fall to the pavement and I'd never get it back upright again without digging a lot of the smelly contents out first.

Finally, with a mighty shove, I did get it to stand back upright, and left it there for my Beloved to maneuver out to the curb, with his superior muscle power.

My knee got a little wrenched, and I might have a little bruise on my right hip, but overall, I was fine.

Though it hurt a lot to see a carload of people pull out of the neighbor's driveway, all heads craned my way, and the telltale signs of moving jaws indicating that they were not only talking about my predicament, but laughing about it!

Friday, March 06, 2009

EVOLUTION MYTH-BUSTER:
SPECTACULAR UNDERSEA LIFE

This octopus has more arms than a high-school boy on a hot date in a dark theater!

I mean, really! Who still believes in biological evolution, not God's specific and purposeful creation, design and direction, when we can observe this amazing diversity of life?

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/206

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

MARXISM:
IN LIKE A LION . . .
OUT LIKE A LION!?!

A relative is from Latvia. She tells stories about a fairly nice place to live reduced to a horror by the disastrous consequences of succumbing to Marxism. For instance, she spoke of having to descend 10 flights of stairs from her apartment building to go outside and cook dinner, since there was no electricity and no fuel available under communist rule.

Look on the bright side: all those steps, and paltry dinners, would be good for our diets. BA BUM CRASH!

But enough black humor. Seriously, now, take a look at what Marxism really is, how anti-Christian and anti-Semitic Karl Marx and his ideas really were, and why we need to back away from this monster before it devours us:

http://www.greatcom.org/resources/handbook_of_todays_religions/04chap02/default.htm

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

BARRY MANILOW,
WEAPON OF MASS DISPERSION

In the central shopping district of Christchurch, New Zealand, they're piping Barry Manilow songs over the intercom. They hope the soothing tunes of the "King of Love" will either stupefy and pacify the mall-rat teens who congregate there and cause trouble, or drive them elsewhere so that the grownups can shop and do business in peace.

Reportedly, several dozen teens regularly spread trash around, spray-paint graffiti, get drunk, use drugs, cuss, and bother patrons at the outdoor mall.

The more than 400 businesses who have resorted to a musical defense policy are attempting to tell the loitering teens that they "Can, Too, Smile Without You."

Saturday, February 28, 2009

DON'T THEY TEACH RANDOM HUMOR
IN THOSE DRY CITY PLANNING CLASSES?

Maddy, 8, caught sight of the white pedestrian symbol on the electronic crosswalk sign for "GO" changing over to the orange hand meaning "STOP."

That was not elaborate enough for her.

"They need sound effects to get you to pay attention," she proclaimed. "You know: the sound of a truck stopping really fast -- SCREEEEEECH!!! -- when it's 'STOP' . . . and a coach's voice shouting, 'C'mon! Get a move on! Shake a leg! Get over here! Hurry up!' when it's 'GO.'"

We'll just have to wait 'til she's mayor, I guess.

I love it when her stream of consciousness is on "GO" but when my old brain is fried I wish I knew what button to push sometimes to make it "STOP."

Friday, February 27, 2009

HOT STOCK TIP:
WATCHING THE DOW PLUNGE IS SUCH A GAS

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding the buying or selling of stocks. But I felt this is important enough to share and to warn you, since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Ewwwwwww! Phhhhhhhhht!!!!

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:

American Can

Interstate Water

National Gas Company

Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.

Note that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

WE DON'T NEED A STIMULUS,
WE NEED ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY!!!

An attorney friend was bemoaning what has happened to his 401(k) retirement plan in the past few weeks.

"It's now a 4.01(k)," he lamented.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

GROOVIN' ON THIS QUOTE

Our heads are round so that thoughts can change direction.

-- Francis Picabia, painter and poet (1879-1953)