DailySusan Humor Blog

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE OVERDUE

My adorable nephew and his adorable wife have been expecting a baby for nearly nine and a half months now. Everything’s fine; the baby is just not quiiiiiiiiite ready to come. The mom and dad sure are ready, though. She needs a CRUTCH to hold up her abdomen and he’s worried that the cigars he ordered are going stale.

They have been aware of this pregnancy since minutes after the first cells started dividing, in stark contrast to their ditzy aunt. I literally found out I was pregnant this last time when my belly moved and I hadn’t coughed!

Anyway, so we’re collecting surefire ways to get that baby to pop:

-- Call a painter. It’s a 100 percent certainty that, when he finally, FINALLY arrives and puts dropcloths down and so forth, you will go into labor.

-- Shovel out the ashes in your fireplace. Bend, stretch and make that baby yearn for a less vigorous environment.

-- Go for a long ride on a bumpy road; a motorcycle is not recommended unless you are three weeks overdue. If four weeks overdue, use a pogo stick.

-- Dismantle the nursery that you put together so diligently and beautifully. This baby will only come when you’re so unprepared, you have to use a drawer for the crib and tear up your T-shirts for diapers.

-- The No. 1, top secret, super sophisticated, failsafe method: CLEAN YOUR DRIP PANS. Works every time.

Stay tuned. One way or another, this baby is going to be here soon.

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Prayer request: Lord, we are delighted to watch this dear young couple go through this beautiful time in their life. Thank You for making Chris such a strong, sweet and loveable husband and thank You for Jana’s good cheer and calm demeanor. Give them lots of sleep before the main event, and protect them all, especially the baby. They love You completely, and so will their child. (Psalm 115:14)