DID YOU EVER THINK
WE'D BE TALKING LIKE THIS?

Was at an electronics place today discussing DVD's and such, and the guy informed me that some people are concerned that the disks that we're putting information on these days are all subject to "DISK ROT."

Doesn't that sound like a serious back problem?

Guess it has to do with the passage of time, and files just sort of disappear from a DVD . . . or, you could say, it digitally "rots."

Who knew, just a few years ago, that we'd have terms like that in our vocabulary. Ahhh, technology . . . :>)

BOY, IS MY FACE RED:
SHOES IN THE 'HOOD A SAD SIGN OF THE TIMES
Ventured into the inner city yesterday for a meeting. I saw something unusual that you never see out in the matchy-poo suburbs, probably because the electric lines are underground out there:

I've seen wacky store mannequins and toilets in front yards in downtown areas. But can't say I've ever seen shoes up in the air before! I took this photo, "Hightops on a High Wire," and thought it was funny.

But ohhhhh, brother, was I dumb. A friend explained that when you see shoes up high, tangled on a wire, it's a sign that a DRUG DEALER is nearby!!!!!

The Urban Dictionary has a bunch of slang and symbols about the drug trade, sad to say:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=drug%20dealer%20competition

Never would have dawned on me that the shoes were anything but serendipity. How sad to know that a significant percentage of our population will sell their . . . SOLES . . . for drugs.

NOT SO MUCH A JOKE
AS A SIGN OF THE TIMES

A journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a damn wall."

BET IF THEY TRY TO DO THAT OTHER THING,
THEY'LL BE KNOCKED OUT OF ORBIT

Here's a bit of scientific truth that you were yearning to know:

Astronauts can't belch -- there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

NCAA B-BALL CHAMPIONSHIP:
GENTLEMEN OF THE COURT

I was reading a pre-game story about the national championship college basketball game tonight between Butler and the University of Connecticut. My, was I impressed by the names of some of the players. A lot of them seemed to have first initial letters, usually the mark of the aristocratic upper crust.

G Kemba Walker!

F Matt Howard!

C Andrew Smith!

They must have some very ambitious mothers there, 20 or 22 years ago, naming them in that hoity-toity way. Good for them!

But then, my pea brain focused my foggy eyes more closely. Waaaaaaaait a minute. Could the "G" for Kemba Walker actually designate his position, which is "Guard"?

Could the "F" mean that Matt Howard is a "Forward"?

And C Andrew Smith is a "Center"?!?!?

Either that, or their mothers were VERY psychic, to have given them first initial letters that "happened" to coincide with their eventual college basketball positions.

Hunhhhh? OK, OK, I was wrong. I'll shut up . . . 'til tip off, and then I'm going to yell and scream and enjoy the game, and the tall, athletic gentlemen who play it so well.

SWIMSUIT SEASON'S COMING; WHERE'S MY SHOCK COLLAR?

Our black Lab puppy, Mazie, has a special shock collar for her hunting training. It's amazing to see how quickly she learns what NOT to do in the sport of retrieving when a small shock is delivered via remote control.

Also, we have invisible fencing on our corner lot. So if she runs up too close to the street, she gets another small shock. Works like a charm to keep her on our property.

But when people walk by with other, interesting dogs, she runs right up to the invisible fence line, and barks and barks. She won't go over the line, but she still barks at them and acts like she wants to eat them alive. It's annoying.

So yesterday, I put her hunting shock collar on, too, and peered out the kitchen window with the walkie talkie. Sure enough, a dog-walker strolled by, and Mazie came off our porch and made a beeline for them, barking her head off.

I pressed the button briefly on the walkie talkie. She halted in mid-bark and mid-air . . . went silent . . . and stopping running AND barking. She didn't look hurt or scared, just puzzled. The dog-walker sauntered on, unassailed.

Hmm: swimsuit season is just a few weeks ahead. MAYBE I SHOULD PUT THAT SHOCK COLLAR ON MYSELF . . . and every time I veer too close to the snack drawer or the refrigerator . . . BZZZZT!!!!!

Yeah! It'll be the next big thing in dieting. It'll be as big as Atkins, as popular as Weight Watchers, easier and cheaper than any of the rest. Call it the ZAP FLAB DIET!!!

SAD COMMENTARY ON WORLD AFFAIRS,
AND SOFT, PUDGY, SUBURBAN PARENTS

We were visiting at the annual "Pastries With Parents" event at school this morning. Several of the parents were complaining about the fact that, at the new middle school, there is only one road leading up to the building. One way in, one way out. Traffic Jam City.

"Who can we complain to?" I asked.

"The school board," someone said.

There was a pause. Then Maddy blurted out:

"YOU COULD HOLD A RIOT!!!"

I don't think that's what they have in mind when they call out for parents to get more "involved" at school. :>)

BACK IN THE SADDLE AFTER A SHORT VACA . . .

WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO SMELL
IN THE PEAK MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE

At an old friend's funeral, several hilarious stories were shared. This was my favorite:

'Way back in the Truman Administration, the friend was just starting out after college. He landed a great job in PR for a Congressman in the nation's capital.

The Congressman had arranged to bring in four Native American chiefs from his home state to meet the President and the Secretary of the Interior. They would sign a few papers, plant a tree, and of course, have the obligatory photo op.

But there was one problem: the chiefs showed up in elegant business suits.

What's wrong with that? The Congressman wanted them in traditional Indian chief garb . . . for the photo op.

So the young cub staffer's assignment was to take the four men all over town sight-seeing (and, yes, the Congressman urged him, in a typical 1950s Politically Incorrect way, to keep them out of the bars!!!), and then get them into the right kind of clothing for the photo op.

He didn't know what else to do, so he took them to a costume shop. 'Way back in the bowels of the shop, they had Indian garb. Hadn't been used for years, but looked great. All set!

So they got to the White House. All shook hands, and posed for the picture, which ran in newspapers around the country.

The thing was, President Truman's face looked kind of funny in the picture. Why? My friend overheard him muttering to the Secretary of the Interior:

"I SMELL MOTHBALLS!!!!"

ONLY A GUY WOULD WANT TO DO THIS
TO CELEBRATE HIS 80th BIRTHDAY

We know someone who will turn 80 next week. He is very, very special and has done a lot of great things in his life.

BUT . . .

To mark his octogenarian birthday, he wants to SKYDIVE!!!!!

His wife of nearly 60 years is none too pleased. Even his sons, both daredevils in their own right, are against it.

Here's the quote that might put a stop to this, once and for all, though it has been a lot of fun contemplating and kidding back and forth about the idea:

YOU DO NOT NEED A PARACHUTE TO SKYDIVE.

YOU ONLY NEED A PARACHUTE TO SKYDIVE TWICE.

WHAT ROVING EYES CAN SEE
ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN AT WORK

The beautiful young wife mentioned a childhood toy that she had loved playing with: "My Little Ponies."

An only child, the handsome young husband hadn't paid a bit of attention to "girl toys." He wanted to know what his beloved was talking about.

So, in a slack moment at work, where he was an up-and-coming business executive, he surfed to the My Little Ponies website. He looked, amazed, at the pink and purple plastic prancing ponies and the mountain of accessories you can buy for them.

Suddenly, a coworker was standing behind him with a bird's-eye view of that computer screen. HE GASPED!!!

The entire office assumed it was something dastardly and shocking that he saw -- you know, pornography or the like. But when the snooper TOLD them it was "only" My Little Ponies, it was even WORSE for the poor curious young husband.

Too bad he didn't have a real one, to ride away on.

EARLY SPRING:
IT SMELLS LIKE WHAT?!?

Picked up Maddy at school on a cool, misty day, and she delighted me by saying, "It smells like spring."

Ooh! There's nothing so wonderful as to have a child who notices nature . . . who waxes poetic about the change in seasons . . . who imagines colorful tulips and perky daffodils on their way.

Oh, joy, oh rapture!

But then she completed her observation. "DEAD WORMS!!!"

DISTRESSED BY HIS
NEVER-FAILING THRIFT

Rotten luck, having a practical-minded husband. I've made a big show of keeping a certain coffee table in storage while our new puppy, and specifically, our new puppy's TEETH, were around.

But now that she's six months old, and slightly more calmed down, for a Labrador, I mentioned that maybe it was time to put the table back in place so that the hearthroom doesn't look so much like a kennel, with dog toys everywhere and this big, empty space.

"But I'm worried," I strategically began. "If the puppy gnaws on that table, it'll be wrecked, and we've only had it for 20 years, so it's practically brand new, and I really wasn't planning on getting anoth. . . ."

He interrupted me. "Oh, no, then it would be in style: the DISTRESSED look is big."

Sighhhhhh.

SUDOKU IN THE W.C.:
FROM THE 'WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?' FILE

I'm still laughing over a photo I saw during an online search for something entirely different:

They now make toilet paper marked with sudoku puzzles!

You know, those Japanese math grid games with nine squares and you try to use the numbers from 1-9 in a certain way.

They are too hard for those with math anxiety, such as moi, to begin with. Then, to put them on t.p. -- and it is IMPOSSIBLE to leave a sudoku unfinished -- no one would ever leave and get back to their regular lives!

Think of all the lost productivity time in the workplace! Think of the broken marriages and dysfunctional families as we all stay in the W.C. trying to complete those confounded things!

This could be worse for America than Pearl Harbor!!!

AIRLINE MECHANICS HUMOR:
THESE QANTAS GUYS ARE A BIT O' ALL RIGHT!

These are reportedly true messages collected from the Repair Division at Qantas Airlines.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

4 NUDES IN A PICKUP IN LINCOLN, NEBRASKA:
AND THIS ISN'T THE START OF A BAD JOKE?

Got some inside information on the two young men and two young women who were stopped for a traffic infraction by a police officer in Lincoln, Nebraska, recently . . . all four of them buck naked.

Turns out it is not against the law in the Cornhusker State to drive or ride around in a vehicle without your clothes on, even in the dead of winter. The driver was ticketed for Driving While Intoxicated, and failure to wear a seatbelt -- but the citation did NOT mention that the driver was not wearing anything ELSE, either.

Someone I know knows one of them. The story behind the story is this: one of the young women didn't know how to drive a manual transmission (under the circumstances, I can't bring myself to use the term "stick shift") . . . so! . . . it was determined that a proper course of action would be to give her a quick lesson, and then drive around town, and every time she dropped the clutch, everybody in the car would have to shed an article of clothing. Sort of like Strip Poker On Wheels.

I'm just going to let that one sit in cyberspace for a while, while we all contemplate the implications and the visual imagery . . .

. . . but I must say this: HEY! IT'S EMBARRASSING ENOUGH AS IT IS WHEN YOU'RE FIRST LEARNING HOW TO DRIVE A STICK!!!!!!!

BREAKING NEWS:
WHERE SNOW SPARKLES COME FROM

Spend a little time with a little child, and you'll learn something. And how. This past weekend, we were walking outside after dark, and in the glare of the streetlights, the newly-fallen snow at our feet was sparkling like crazy.

Maddy informed me, "The Tooth Fairy and her helpers put the sparkles there."

HUNH? Upon further questioning, she reported that they take the sparkles OFF the children's teeth that they collect, and then they put them in the snow for all to enjoy.

All my stress, worries and pain fell away. There's something very precious and special about the imagination of a child. . . .

GRANDMA WEARS HER HEART ON HER SLEEVE
AND ON HER T-SHIRT? YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT

Daughter Neely is going to run a half-marathon in Lincoln again. Last spring, the fam went there to be her cheering section at the midway point. Then we scurried to Memorial Stadium for the big finish. It was a thrill!

I made matching bright yellow T-shirts with red letters out of duct tape for us, so that she'd be sure to see us on the route. Her dad wore the "N," her 80-something grandma wore "EE," I wore the "L" and Maddy wore the "Y."

We were like the Keystone Kops, flying around to make sure we were standing in order when she ran by. Big smile. We did it!

But Grandma has gotten even more "spin" off the experience. We found out she has been going around telling her bluehair friends that she wore the "EE" T-shirt but felt uneasy . . . BECAUSE A LADY REALLY SHOULDN'T BROADCAST HER BRA SIZE LIKE THAT.

Life with her really is a marathon of humor . . . and always a thrill!

GREAT WOLF LODGE:
IT FIGURES

Last weekend, we spent the night at the Great Wolf Lodge in another city. It's a truly great hotel with an indoor waterpark and several other nice features.

We got the best table at the waterpark, which allowed us to watch people come barreling down the last few feet of the waterslides and flop into the splash pool.

I was intently watching, when something caught my eye. I turned . . . and practically buried my nose into THE FURRIEST BACK I HAVE EVER SEEN! It was the man at the next table, who had his fur . . . I mean . . . his back to me. That guy's back had more hair than an entire ballroom full of middle-aged men at a class reunion.

The rather chubby older man with the furry back luckily did not see the expression on my face.

Then I remembered the name of the place -- Great WOLF Lodge -- ahhhh, yes. It figures!

SITTING NEXT TO A DRAGON BREATH PERSON
CAN ACTUALLY BE A PERFORMANCE ENHANCER

Someone we know who is very, very ladylike was sitting in a college classroom to take her first major test in Statistics class. She was nervous enough as it was . . . but the guy sitting next to her had THE WORST BREATH IN THE UNIVERSE!!!

She couldn't fumble in her purse for gum or spray perfume; that's counted as cheating.

She couldn't plug her nose; she had to keep one hand on her calculator and one holding her pencil.

She couldn't move to another seat, and she couldn't "not breathe" for 45 minutes. She just had to sit there and take it.

She was so distracted and upset about it, that she figured she probably bombed the test.

Results came back: SHE GOT THE HIGHEST SCORE IN THE CLASS!

That's the secret, students. Make sure your neighbor has loaded up on garlic bread and sauerkraut before each test . . . so that you can smell the sweet smell of an A+.

A VALENTINE'S DAY
SCAVENGER HUNT

Here's a sweet, romantic idea: an older couple were going to be apart on Valentine's Day for the first time ever. The wife was sad that morning. Then she found a love note from him tucked in the kitchen cereal cupboard. She smiled.

But next, she found another one under her soap dish. And another one under the TV remote. Still another one in her hiking boot -- saying how glad he was that she was taking good care of herself.

In all, she found 15 little notes, that he had hidden around the house before he left. He might not have been there in person, but he sure found a memorable way to let her know that he was thinking of her.

And I loved knowing this story, because I let it slip to my own Beloved . . . who came home with a dozen spicily-scented red-orange roses that I'm not sure I would've gotten otherwise!

HEARD OF A FROG
IN YOUR THROAT, BUT . . .

I don't feel so bad about all the glunk in the bottom of my computer keyboard that I didn't know was there. A little girlfriend of our daughter was telling us about the time the neighborhood children got into a mud-throwing fight. Several little frogs were in the mudhole and got caught up in the melee.

She kept playing a while longer, went back inside, had dinner, hung out with her family, and then, at bedtime, she was standing before the mirror running a brush through her hair . . .

. . . and no one will ever "FROG-get" her screams when she found something unusual tangled in her long, brown locks.

Nobody ever TOAD you life didn't have surprises!

WEAR A HELMET AND GOGGLES
WHEN YOU CLEAN YOUR KEYBOARD

I was telling a friend how great it felt to open a new can of compressed air and blow out my computer keyboard.

It prompted him to go and do the same, as several of the keys weren't registering on his computer screen when he typed -- apparently some kind of glunk was lurking underneath and obstructing his keystrokes.

Here's his description of what his cleaning job revealed:

"Birds' nests, pencils, a spoon, two paper cups, and a dog bone came out. No wonder I couldn't spell. :>)"

T-SHIRTS WE LIKE

Now all I need
are some minions.

LEAVE ALL THAT MUMBO-JUMBO
TO THE RUMDUM ADULTS

A friend's cute story about a relative who used to "put on" the kids that you had to wiggle your fingers and murmur magic words to get the garage door to lift (all the while hiding the controller in his pocket) reminded me of our daughter's "put-down" of someone with a similar bent:

Maddy was riding in an ATV with our dear neighbor man and his granddaughter. They came to a gate with an electric eye. The grandpa quickly ran his card through the slot, not letting his toddler granddaughter see him do it.

Her eyes got big. "Gwampa, Gwampa, it's goin' up all by itself!"

With a grin, he proclaimed, "It's magic!"

But our Maddy, ever the cynic, retorted, "No, it's not. It's TECHNOLOGY!!!"

OREGON MUSIC:
WHEN YOUR 'THINKING OREGON' IS ON VACATION

We took our 10-year-old to a hockey game over the weekend. We sat on the "50-yard line," or whatever you call it in hockey. After a while, our daughter pointed clear over to the end of the arena, so far away I could barely see, and said:

"There's the guy who's going to play the Oregon music."

Hmm, I thought. Oregon had the national championship football team. Maybe they're going to play their fight song since the pro football championship, the Super Bowl, was this weekend.

I craned my neck, looking for a guy in a trademark green and yellow Oregon Ducks shirt.

"Right there!" Maddy urged. "Right under that sign! There he is! Don't you see him?"

All I could see was a guy standing at a digital keyboard. He started to play, and through the arena microphones, it sounded just like . . . ORGAN music.

Ohhhhhhhhh, well. I can always pretend I got hit in the cerebrum by a flying hockey puck. . . .

HERE'S A T.G.I.F. EXPERIENCE:
BOTTLE BAND IS A REAL CORKER

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k26nt3Y4cmg&feature=related

FOR THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB:
HOW TO GET BIG, STRONG MEN TO YOUR HOME

No, you don't just tell them the Super Bowl is on your theatre-sized TV, or that a golf pro will be giving free swing lessons in your back yard.

If you're in your late 80s and beginning to slip into dementia, you just call 911 when you want some company, and lots of big, strong men (and women!) will show up at your door.

A friend's mother did just that a few times, and it was left to him to explain to the police and fire personnel that she simply got the urge to talk to somebody. She couldn't remember anybody else's phone number, so she just dialed 911.

13 PEOPLE IN A SODHOUSE?
IN A BLIZZARD? EATING BEANS?

The wind was howling; sleet was pelting the windows; about six new inches of snow had fallen and the wind chill was -22.

I started thinking of the prairie pioneers, and wondering how they made it through nights like this, in a blizzard, living in a sodhouse with no microwave oven, Internet or DVD's.

A friend commented that there was a sodhouse on her grandparents' farm in which the whole family -- 13 people -- would gather in one room, and the livestock in the other, during blizzards.

That started us laughing, since we knew that in the latter half of most winters, beans were about the only grub left in those pioneer days.

No WONDER nobody is smiling in any of those old-time pioneer pictures!

AN ELDERLY MOTHER'S REQUEST
SHOULDN'T BE LEFT OUT IN THE COLD

One of my friends from college lives in Missouri. It usually has temperate weather, but hoo boy, not tonight. It's the worst blizzard in probably 100 years. Biting winds, black ice under 20 inches of snow, people getting stranded -- it's a howler.

Well, this friend visits her elderly mother almost every night. The mother lives in a nearby nursing home. Tonight, the friend called her, assuming she wouldn't be expecting her to drag out on a night with such drastic weather: "Hi, Mother. Boy, it's a blizzard out there. . . ."

. . . but Mother interrupted by saying, "When you come tonight, be sure and bring me an EMERY BOARD!!!!!!!"

All she could do was laugh . . . and comply, imagining herself to be a St. Bernard with manicure tools instead of good bourbon.

TEMPORARY INSANITY
OR PERMANENT STATE OF CONFUSION?

I was just telling a friend about my new hairdo with new blonde highlights. She pointed out a philosophical question that I hadn't really considered:

Why do we call them "permanents"?

They aren't.

Why don't we call them "temporaries"?

Yes, questions like these will . . . curl your hair.

NEWS FLASH FROM THE KINGDOM OF RANDOM:
WACKY PAPERWEIGHT

I bow in the presence of greatness. I thought I had some unusual stuff. But today, I had coffee with a writer friend who said that he had a paperweight that was a . . .

. . . SHELLACKED BUFFALO CHIP!!!

Now, that's unusual.

DR. BOWWOW OCTAGONAPUS?
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JOE BLOW?

I was chuckling over the nickname of our uncle's best friend, BowWow. He is in his 70s but still carries the name well. There's nobody like him! After all these years, I finally asked where it came from. Turns out the two of them met a cab driver named BowWow Spitzenberger. How could you NOT adopt a name like that?

Any thought that the older generation had weird names compared to the current crop was quashed when our 10-year-old collapsed in gales of laughter over a video cartoon on her hand-held Nintendo. The bad guy was named "Dr. Octagonapus." Wonder if his first name might be BowWow?!?

IN THIS CULTURE,
GOTTA THINK ON YOUR FEET

A little one asked her mom, "What does 'WTF' mean?"

The mom barely blinked. "Welcome To Facebook."

Kid smiled. Mom sighed. Deviancy stalemated . . . for one more day, anyway.

FALLBACK POSITION:
MYSTERIOUS UNIVERSITY IQ TEST

A young relative was worried and upset because her 2-year-old son fell in love with a pair of pink cupcake Valentine's socks in the dollar bin at Target, and was wearing them with glee.

I told her not to worry about it; I was mad at my husband when he bought our two young daughters Matchbox cars, as if he was trying to turn them into sons. Then I relaxed when I saw how they were playing with them: one little girl would stand her Matchbox car up on two tires and mince over to the other one's little car, lisping, "Hi! What's your name? I like you! Let's play together!"

They were using them like dolls, and it alllllll worked out just fine. No long-term gender confusion.

Anyway, I told my relative, you can always tell the neighbors he's wearing the pink cupcake Valentine's socks as part of a mysterious university IQ test! That always shuts 'em up.

EVEN A MASTER EVANGELIST
HAS THOSE "WHOOPS" DAYS

We had the honor of picking up New York Times best-selling author Lee Strobel yesterday, shuttling him from the airport to our church to speak at the two morning services, and then back again.

We had already bought his books and had them autographed during his last visit in 2009, but it was still a thrill this time to get two more copies of "The Case for a Creator" for two science-minded seekers that we know.

Lee joked that with the current craze toward eBooks and downloading electronic versions of books on Kindles, Nooks, iPads and so forth, he may not get many chances to give autographs any more.

His novel, due out in May, will have an electronic version with some exciting features that will allow you to click on an icon and see a short video with background information on the setting or other aspects of the novel. Very cool!

We discussed how it is sometimes hard to share your faith in this fast-changing world, in which you often get blasted for trying to do that, or thwarted some other way.

Lee put us at ease with this story:

Someone close to him is an atheist, and even though Lee had given him copies of his books in the past, the loved one just wouldn't read them. Then Lee gave him an audiobook, and hoped and prayed that the different approach would be a good hook.

A short while later, he found out that his loved one never got a chance to listen to much of it . . . because it happened to be in the car CD player when he had his car up for sale . . . and a Buddhist family test-drove the car, liked what they were hearing on the CD, and, though they didn't buy the car, they DID ask if they could keep the CD. And the fellow let them.

SIGH! But oh, well. Could be his CD wound up converting the Buddhists, even if it didn't work for the one he meant it for.

And that's par for the course. For an evangelist, tomorrow is always another day!

TECHNO-KLUTZ
STRIKES AGAIN

I wrestled all morning with a confused wireless router that was messing up my email and Internet connection. I was forced to rely on trying to focus my aging eyeballs on the eentsy weentsy type on my BlackBerry. Alternately, I was sliding my formerly nicotine-stained fingers up and down my new iPad to catch up with the many, many world-changing Facebook posts I'd been missing (NOT!).

After all that multitasking, I had to buzz to the mall to get a birthday party present for our daughter. On a tight schedule, I whipped into a parking place, slammed the car door, and hustled for the mall, pushing repeatedly on the automatic doorlock device on my keychain to lock the door behind me.

Didn't hear the click. STILL didn't hear the click.

"Stupid thing's busted," I muttered . . .

. . . only to find that it was my BlackBerry in my hand, and I was hitting a button on it repeatedly that definitely did not connect to my car doorlock . . .

. . . revealing that "IT"wasn't the "stupid" thing after all.

LET'S SHOW KIM
THAT WE LOVE HIM

A popular educator from Elkhorn, Neb., fell off a scaffolding at his house last November and severely injured himself. He is Kim Baumert, husband and father of three beautiful daughters. He's in a rehabilitation hospital getting ready to move home ASAP. He is facing incredible, new, unexpected expenses in the near future.

Won't you please challenge yourself and your friends to give, generously, to the fund-raiser that is being held Feb. 13 to encourage Kim and his family, and enable his homecoming?

Please check out all that is happening, and see how to donate, on:

http://sites.google.com/site/kimbaumertfamily/

CAN YOU LAST 18 SECONDS?
GOOD THING I'M NOT AN AIR FORCE PILOT

A friend sent this game that helps Air Force pilots practice their reactions:

http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html

If you can stay "alive" for 18 seconds, you're doing well. I tried and tried, and made it for 9.7 seconds. Yikes! Here's hoping those in our military defense have a LOT better hand-eye coordination than I do!

DAILYSUSAN BACK FULL STRENGTH!!!

Sorry for the long hiatus. Let's pick up where we left off:

LISTEN TO THE SOUND
OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

Our daughter's church youth group visited a retirement home to sing Christmas carols and have a little party with the residents the other night. I was among the six or seven moms who came along for the ride.

The girls filled the stage, and started singing. The little old lady sitting next to me leaned over and confided, "I'm nearly blind and deaf, but I'm still enjoying this very much."

I leaned over, and said loudly and slowly how much I loved hearing that, and wished her a Merry Christmas.

She replied, "Would you ever guess that I am 98 years old?"

Amazed, I leaned back over, put an arm around her, and said, loudly and slowly, "That is fantastic! You don't look a day over 60."

Just then, the little old man sitting on the other side of her whirled toward us, and snarled:

"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!?!?!?!?!"

Had to hunch over to hide my laughter, but the shaking shoulders gave me away.

How ironic: that comment got me TOTALLY into the Christmas spirit. So I guess it really WAS for Christ's sake!!!

HOW GOD HELPS YOU OUT
WHEN YOU'RE LUNCHING WITH AN ATHEIST

I have this dear old friend who is an avowed atheist. We hadn't seen each other for close to 10 years, but met for lunch to get started on a new project of mutual interest.

We sat by the window at Panera's in a mid-town location, far from where either of us lives.

He brought up the name of a mutual friend who neither of us had seen for close to 10 years, either. He gave me an update: she had moved away but was back and working here in some capacity. We agreed that one of us should look her up "someday."

BOOM! We saw her walking down the sidewalk . . . and then she came right into Panera's!!!

Both our jaws dropped to our chests. My atheist friend was able to speak:

"What is this? DIVINE INTERVENTION?!?!?"

He laughed at the irony. I smiled at him meaningfully, nodded, and gave him my Christian Goo-Goo Eyes . . . thanking God for one more piece of well-timed "coincidental" ammo of how real He is, to woo him out of atheism and into the light of the Savior's love.

And yes, our mutual friend is interested in learning more about our new project and would be a great asset. So it was a fun "coincidence" all the way around.

Panera's is a great place to encounter the Bread of Life!

MAYBE THE KID
DOESN'T NEED COACHING

Maddy, 9, was telling how a girl in her fourth-grade classroom has been snipping at her. The girl is a little bossy and it probably comes from low self-esteem. So we were trying to coach Maddy on how to respond with kindness and understanding, while still being assertive enough to stand up for herself.

We told her that the No. 1 no-no in that situation is to be mean BACK. Leadership requires restraint. When you are unfairly criticized, don't ever retaliate, we told her. That's dragging yourself down to the other person's level.

I showed her that old trick, that when you point the finger at someone, three more point back at you, indicating that you're guilty of the same things, triply as much.

Her face brightened immediately into a huge grin.

She pointed her finger at me and exulted:

"YOU'RE AWESOME!!!"

THE SIMPLE ANSWER
IS ALMOST ALWAYS BEST

The man of the house agreed to answer questions for a telephone poll. Subject: politics. He is a conservative, and a lot of things that have been going on lately in the political world have his ears steaming. He is not afraid to delve into controversy, and speak his mind. So here we go.

Maddy quietly finished her class valentines, and I eavesdropped while preparing to make 4,000 cupcakes for the various Valentine's celebrations coming up.

His answers were terse, rapid-fire, decisive:

"Yes."

"No."

"60%."

"Yes."

"No."

After a long stream of answers, he suddenly paused and said:

"I don't care to answer that."

Both sets of eavesdropping eyebrows shot up.

After he hung up, we asked what the question was that he didn't care to answer.

"They asked me what RACE I am," he said, fuming; the implication was that such a question should be irrelevant.

But Maddy intervened with another dose of that Kid Common Sense:

"Why didn't you just tell him the HUMAN race?!?"

LITTLE BOY SAYS
WHAT MOST OF US SOMETIMES THINK

A friend's 3-year-old son had been in the restroom for quite some time.

Suddenly, the parents heard a little voice declare:

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!"

He sounds like a Republican observing what's going on in D.C.!

THEY WALK AMONG US:
SO FOOTBALL'S NO BIGGIE IN SINGAPORE?

Saw this hilarious TV listing -- albeit from the past -- that appeared in the Sunday Times of Singapore:

10:30
BOWLING:
SUPERBOWL XXXV

If they WANTED the WORLD to KNOW it's about FOOTBALL, they shouldn't have named the championship after another sport. Right? Riiiiiight.

FROM THE
'OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES'
DEPARTMENT

A darling young girl told her dad that she was going to make a Valentine's Day card and send it to Osama bin Laden. She asked for his help in finding a mailing address.

The family happened to be Jewish. The dad was awestruck over his child's thoughtfulness and grace, since bin Laden is a world-famous Islamic terrorist who favors killing all Jews on the planet. A Jewish child sending bin Laden wishes about love would be truly a transcendant act.

"Honey, I am proud of you for thinking of this," said the dad. "If more kids were like you, we could turn around the hearts of all the terrorists in the world and bring peace at last."

"Well," replied the girl, "I was just hoping it would bring him out into the open, and then the U.S. Marines could shoot the ****er."

REFRESHING HONESTY
FROM A . . . POLITICIAN?!?

Here's what Brazilian Finance Minister Rubens Ricupero said during a break in a TV interview, unaware that the satellite feed was still running:

"I have no scruples. What is good, we take advantage of. What is bad, we hide."

Yes, he resigned two days later. With guys like that in public office, we don't even NEED a good journalism corps to root out the baddies. :>)

THIS KID'S SO CUTE,
I THINK HE HUNG THE MOON

A friend's son looked up at the night sky when there was a crescent moon, and called it "a silver smile."

AH, THE SWEET SENTIMENTS
OF SUNDAY SCHOOL AT CHRISTMASTIME

Maddy, 9, walked out of Sunday School with a great, big smile on her face. At this time of year, I figured her class had just spent the hour singing Christmas carols or making ornaments or something. I thought she was filled with the Christmas spirit.

But nooooo. Here's what she said:

"I CAN'T WAIT TO BURN ANTS AGAIN NEXT SUMMER!!!"

Our church is not into weird doctrine. Believe me, we are NOT for burning ants. All that happened was that she noticed it was no longer summer, and she couldn't wait for summer to come back, and one reason was so that she could get out her magnifying glass and see what mayhem she could create in the garden.

What made her think of it? She didn't know.

Not very Christmasy! But there you go. These kids have ants in their pants, mentally, don't they?

T-SHIRTS WE LIKE

I'm Not Quitting;
I'm Just Going Away and Never Coming Back.

BUMPER SNICKERS
WE LIKE

It was actually on a file cabinet, not on a car bumper, but has a gentle humor:

Have You Prayed For a Liberal Today?

QUOTES WE LIKE:
BUT WHAT'S FOUR?

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

-- John Adams (1735-1826),

Second President of the United States

and Revolutionary War leader

THE CARDIOLOGIST'S DIET:
NO KIDDING

Thanksgiving is a-comin'. Is it your favorite holiday, too? My tastebuds start firing up in mid-July, just thinking about all those favorite foods at the beloved annual feast.

But . . . I'm not as slim and trim as I should be, to be taking in all those extra calories. I should diet, this next week.

Now, we've had the Atkins Diet. And Weight Watchers. And South Beach. And so many more.

None of them worked for me in the long run. Guess it's time to follow the Cardiologist's Diet:

IF IT TASTES GOOD, SPIT IT OUT.

FROM THE 'WHAT A WOILD' DEPARTMENT:
BE CAREFUL WITH THOSE DEGREES!

Have you winced when you see all these tactless ads for a certain medical condition in men which is abbreviated as "E.D."? Think of the poor educators who've worked so hard to get a doctoral degree in education. Maybe they should put the small "d" in Ed.D. in a different color so that people will be sure to notice what it DOESN'T signify.

What's worse, our college-age daughter was standing behind me at my desk and started to snicker. I looked where she was looking: it was my Strong's concordance, a very useful Bible reference book that's well over 1,300 pages. She was laughing at the designation behind the very scholarly author's name:

James Strong, S.T.D.

It stands for "Sacrae Theologiae Doctor," a very high-falutin' academic degree.

Somehow, I think the "S" that he was trying to transmit has more to do with SPIRITUALITY than that other "S" word.

WHOOPS! CORRECTION

Some readers got a bigger kick out of the mistake than the anecdote: in the last posting, that was Nancy SINATRA, not Nancy Fonda. Sorry about mixing celebrity metaphors but hope the flashback to white-lipstick days made you smile. These Boots Are Made For Walkin'. . . .

GIRLISH 'SPIN' ON FOOTBALL:
TAKE TWO

Not to be outdone by their little sister's description of football tackling as "mean hugging," our three older daughters developed these football concepts in their early (and often!) indoctrination in all things Husker:

1. Football players are "go-go's." This must date to the days when we would cheer on our team on TV, shouting, "Go! Go!" to a particular player making a long run, and our girls thought that was the name of the team. With visions of Nancy Fonda in tall, white boots, we always call them "go-go's" now and think it's a much more apt description than "football players."

2. Football players wear uniforms that snug under their knees, but one of our daughters misunderstood and thought they were stylin'. "Ooh!" she exclaimed. "They wear CAPRIS!"

AND LET'S HOPE THEY DO
A LOT OF IT THIS SATURDAY

Our daughter Maddy has gone to a number of University of Nebraska football games this fall. She puts a 9-year-old girl's perspective on the game with her new definition of tackling:

MEAN HUGGING

A DEEP-THINKNG FRIEND
WITH A DRY SENSE OF HUMOR

John is a childhood friend. Yes, he was always funny, in a deep way. He is in to diving now -- the kind you do in the ocean. So no wonder he came up with this . . . excuse the expression . . . pearl:

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if it weren't for the sponges that live there.

BUMPER STICKER SUGGESTS
A MODICUM OF JOB SECURITY

Plumbers and morticians have the best job security in the country. But writers? Hmm. Not so much.

But here's a funny bumper sticker that gives me hope:

SOME PEOPLE HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS.
SOME NOT HAVE WAY.

A NEW MARKET
FOR PORN?!?

I was sad to learn this week that corn ethanol is 30% LESS efficient than regular gasoline. On top of that, it is very expensive despite being subsidized to the tune of tens of billions of tax dollars in recent years. And, according to the University of Minnesota in a recent study, corn ethanol is actually WORSE for the environment than regular gasoline.

At my house, they used to call this situation "taking the gassssssss."

But there's hope for all those behemoth ethanol plants that we've subsidized and built all over the heartland. I heard a radio report the other day in which the speaker mumbled over the phrase "making ethanol out of corn" . . . and, weirdo that I am, I thought he said "making ethanol out of PORN."

Saaaaay! There's a solution! I realize most porn is online these days, but just imagine the happy smiles on the faces of all the decent people when mountains of dirty magazines are cooked up into fuel for our vehicles.

If my hot, red Mini Cooper ran on PORN ETHANOL fuel, then it would be REALLY sexy to drive!

OOH! NOT SO DAILY LATELY, EH?
I'LL TRY TO GET BACK IN THE SWING
WITH A FUNNY STORY ABOUT AN 80-YEAR-OLD RASCAL

My mom turned 80 last week. She grows in humor as much as loveliness and wisdom. She is now stirring the pot as an octogenarian, and loves the role.

A few evenings ago, her phone rang. It was a 50-something neighbor, out walking his dog. He noticed that she had left her garage door up. As a matter of security, he advised her to close it. She thanked him and did.

Next afternoon, she came out of her condo to go to her mailbox. The same neighbor man was out walking the same dog, standing and chatting with another neighbor man in a car.

Mom got one of her ideas.

She waved and called out coquettishly: "Oh, Ed! Thanks for last night!"

The look on both men's faces was priceless . . . and Mom got a bigger kick out of it than any of her birthday presents.

NEVER SEND A GUY
TO THE GROCERY STORE

Here's a hilarious video from a woman who did the unthinkable. She sent her husband to the grocery store with a crystal-clear list of things to purchase. And all hell broke loose. Can you relate?

I'm remembering the time my Beloved returned home from a rare shopping trip with a container of baking soda the size of a REFRIGERATOR BOX!!! I guess it was the size they use to clean swimming pools, not bake a few batches of chocolate chip cookies. Oy! I'm sure I said something witty and sarcastic, and he replied, supremely hurt, "But it was ON your list, and it was on SALE!!!"

I used that same baking soda for centuries to salve his self-esteem . . . but he never volunteered to shop for me again. Too dangerous!

See how this hubby responded in the same situation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YFRUSTiFUs&feature=related

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU SAY
HUNH?!?!?!?

Our dry cleaner's sends out a handy-dandy e-coupon that often contains the wisdom of the ages. Here is this week's missive, with my elaborations:

-- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

That's a lot of hearing "aids."


-- A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off.

I'd be too chicken to see it.


-- A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.

Next they'll make hats.


A cow produces 200 times more gas a day than a person.

They don't know my Beloved.


A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

Wonder if the newly-minted ones start out with none?


A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

Bet the boys still take forever to come to the dinner table.


A fully loaded supertanker travelling at normal speed takes a least twenty minutes to stop.

Driver's ed teachers should convey that concept to 15-year-old student drivers.


A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.

Not touching that one with a 21-inch pole. :>)

FOR THOSE WHO THINK
CREATIONISM
IS DOO-DOO

Everybody loves dinosaurs, but bet most of us have never thought about this aspect of their time on Earth:

According to the journal Paleontology, researchers in Argentina have discovered that if it wasn't for the South American scarab dung beetles, the whole South American continent would have been buried knee-deep in dinosaur manure.

Those gigantic creatures churned out a lot of you-know-what. But, the researchers found, those busy dung beetles collected it and buried it underground in caches the size of tennis balls to provide (eww!) food for their young.

If they hadn't, then disease-carrying flies would've gone wild, and the dung would have made plant growth nigh on impossible.

It's just another good example of the symbiosis, or mutually-beneficial relationships, with which God designed the world. Yeah, sure, some people say these are just lucky breaks -- happy coincidences -- millions of them. Just "random chance."

Oh, yeah? What a crock. :>)

SO MUCH FOR VOLUNTEERING
IN THE GEEZER COMPLEX

Maddy went with us this evening to visit an elderly relative who is temporarily in what we used to call "an old folks' home," recovering from an injury.

A bright spot was trying out the soft-serve ice cream machine in the community room, and sitting outside and enjoying the lovely July evening. Better still, here came a nice teen-age boy who takes piano lessons right after Maddy. He was straightening chairs and helping out. Turns out he is a volunteer there, out of the goodness of his heart and because he has a desire to work with the elderly some day. Isn't that nice?

But Maddy would have none of that volunteering idea. "I heard a lady say real loud and cheerfully, 'LET'S PUT SOME CREAM ON YOUR BOTTOM!!!'" she exclaimed. "I'm not doing that!"

A BIG, COLD, WET, ICKY SPIDER?

Maddy had this hot-weather joke today that really cooled me off:

Q. What do you call a scorpion at the North Pole?

A. LOST!

CHOLESTEROL VS. CUPCAKE:
TIMING IS EVERYTHING . . . DARN IT

I love cupcakes. My idea of online porn is to visit www.sprinkles.com So it was with a happy grin that I read of the world's largest cupcake on display this past weekend at the Mall of America. It weighed 150 pounds, wtih 60 pounds of icing, and served 1,500 happy people. Prepared by www.cakes.com, it made the Guinness Book of World Records.

That's the good news. The BAD news is, we had our health screening last week, and my cholesterol is 'way up. I got the call minutes after reading about the big cupcake.

So no cupcakes for me. It's back on a serious diet and exercise plan. WAH!

Maybe by the time I get back into shape, they'll have the world's largest HoHo on display, and even if I can't eat it, I can ogle it.

CELEBRITY CRAYFISH
MEETS HIS MAKER
ALONG WITH MICHAEL, FARRAH, ED & NOW KARL

Sheesh. A lot of celebrities have died in recent days. Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Karl Malden . . . and now we learn of the peaceful yet tragic demise of Bob the Crayfish.

He was the classroom superstar for some west Omaha kids this past year. They observed him, they cut worms for him, they wrote stories about him, they learned about habitats and the environment through him, and most of all, they brought hats for him to wear. LOTS OF HATS!!!

My teacher friend, who's more than a little creative and wacky, made this memorial video in tribute before she laid him to eternal rest:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMehTFPPWlE

OUT OF THE MOUTHS
OF HUSBANDS . . .

I've been enjoying an email exchange with an old friend of my mother-in-law. She is a darn good writer and has made me laugh out loud several times.

She writes about a tact-free moment between a husband and a wife to which many of us can relate:

"I celebrated my 75th birthday several years ago. Friends and family showered me with appropriate hugs and high praise. Jim took it all in, and then inquired, "Sheila, aren't you the same age as your mother was when she died?"

FEELING A BIT . . .
SLUGGISH?

Over the weekend, one of the soccer moms on the sidelines was telling me an interesting anecdote from her childhood. It seems her parents were close friends with a couple who were Christian missionaries down in the Amazon River area of South America. They would visit every other year or so, traveling by canoe into the jungle, to spend a few days with their friends.

They told amazing stories, such as the fact that the Americans ate whatever the natives ate, to fit in, and that included SLUGS.

Gulp. (Not literally.)

I was telling our daughter Eden about that, and she beamed. "Of course, the natives were only KIDDING," she razzed me. "They would only PRETEND to eat the slugs. Then they'd wait 'til the missionaries ate them, and then go, 'Ewwwwww!!!!! How could you EAT those?!?!'"

She could be right . . . and the worst part is that a true Christian missionary couldn't even SLUG a native for a trick like that.

DAIRY DISNEYLAND
IS FANT-AG-STIC

There are a lot of controversies in agriculture today. But here's an agribusiness that's doing a great job using entertaining agritourism to bridge the urban-rural divide. This dairy farm is able to teach farming's fans and critics alike what a well-run 21st Century food production operation should be like. Moooooooove over, Hollywood:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJRy82i8e5Q

BUT MOM ALWAYS TOLD YOU
NOT
TO THROW STUFF IN THE TOILET!

I was going through some old news clippings and story ideas when I came across a Wall Street Journal travel article about a historic hotel in Italy. Since one of our daughters is leaving on a trip there in a few days, I looked it over to see if it might be worth recommending as a side trip.

Mama mia! A bit too swank for our taste. Here's the first paragraph:

"The Grand Hotel, a Vila Feltrinelli on Italy's Lake Garda, spares no detail to make hotel guests feel like they're living La Dolce Vita. Waiters uncork a bottle of Champagne with a ceremonial sword, an attendant stands by at the pool should anyone want an outdoor massage, and rose petals are sprinkled in the toilet."

Note the price: $1,700 -- and that's not per year or even per month. Per NIGHT! The lake on which the beautiful hotel stands was in the recent James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace. There are 82 staffers for 21 hotel rooms. Eek, eek, eek.

The only redeeming factor was that there is a hotel cat, Winston. Wonder if they sprinkle rose petals in his litter box?!?

TYPHOON BUFFOON
OR KNOW-IT-ALL MOM?

I asked Eden, our college-aged daughter, if she would please open the boxes of the hurricane glass centerpieces I ordered for her eldest sister's upcoming wedding, and check the glass for cracks and crookedness while there's still time to exchange them.

On my way out the door on errands, I hurriedly told her that we got two sizes, so some boxes will have two, and some will have just one.

Now imagine the pages of the calendar flying off. I completely forgot about the assigned task.

Days later, we were lounging at the kitchen table, and out of the clear blue sky, she asked:

"Mom, how many hurricanes are there?"

Wish I had a photo of my face. I thought she meant great, big ocean storms. I thought she was asking me how many of them there have ever been, throughout the world, for as long as time, which, of course, I hadn't the slightest molecule of an idea how many.

Gee! My daughter thinks I'm THAT smart! That's a switch!

But nooooooo. She didn't mean storms. She meant that she hadn't yet scrutinized those hurricane-glass centerpieces downstairs and was wondering if the task was going to cut into her busy schedule of lounging, snacking and watching T . . . I mean, if she could fit it in around all her intensive studying for finals.

THAT's all.

Come to think of it, I didn't remember how many of the centerpieces we had, either, but at least I think my guess could come a lot closer.

YOU KNOW IT'S MONDAY MORNING
WHEN YOU HEAR AN EXCUSE LIKE THIS

As the school year winds down to a close, the social and sports schedule of our 9-year-old heats up to a fever pitch.

Maddy had a busy weekend with soccer practice, tae kwon do, a birthday party, horseback riding with her fun new babysitter, church, a little neighborhood clean-up participation . . . so she was sleepy at breakfast this morning.

I leaned across the kitchen island, trying to establish eye contact in order to list her scheduled activities after school today: tae kwon do, shagging balls at the high school soccer game, piano practice. . . .

Rubbing her eyes, she interrupted me:

"Slow down, Mom! My FRECKLES aren't even awake yet."

FUN WITH FOGIES:
KEEP 'EM JUMPING WITH A JOKE ABOUT FALLING

I have a very dear elderly buddy who moved recently to a senior citizen center up in North Dakota to be near his family. He can see a lot of northern wildlife cavorting out his window, and he really likes living there.

He reported that he has started a physical therapy class designed to teach balance in order to keep from falling, a major threat to older folks.

In the first session, each "student" told about their own experiences with falling.

The oldest guy went last. At 93, he muttered devilishly:

"They must have had us folks in mind when they named this town 'Fergus FALLS.'"

It brought down the house . . . so to speak.

INTRO TO TAE KWON DO,
OR AS MY BELOVED CALLS IT,
TAE KON DWO

Today I broke a board with my bare hand! It felt awesome. I couldn't believe a pudgy-handed wuss like me could do it.

Our daughter's tae kwon do instructor graciously agreed to come to the inner-city grade school that I volunteer to help on Wednesday afternoons through my new charity, www.AfterSchoolTreats.com He gave a one-hour demonstration and beginning lesson that had the kids beaming, listening spellbound, and thoroughly enjoying themselves.

At the end, he called me up to be the guinea pig for a board-breaking demonstration. I thought I was just going to hold it for him. But noooo -- he coached me with about three tips, and then WHAM! I did it, with the heel of my hand.

Fun! Now I want to learn more about the martial arts -- and think getting good at it might help me with the MARITAL arts, too. Speak softly and carry a big . . . heel of your hand?!?

NOW I'VE HEARD EVERYTHING:
A FLYING CHIHUAHUA?!?

Tinker Bell, a 6-pound Chihuahua, was swept up by a 70-mph gust of wind at a flea market near Detroit and found nearly a mile away, dirty and hungry but unhurt.

Owners Dorothy and Lavern Utley thought she was . . . excuse the expression . . . gone with the wind. But they employed a pet psychic . . . you read that right . . . to find the little pooch in a wooded area near Waterford Township, Mich.

All together now:

The house began to pitch,
The wind blew the little bitch . . . or something like that.

GO, GRANDPA, GO, GRANDPA,
GO, GRANDPA, GO!

According to a Tacoma, Wash., TV station, an 84-year-old man fended off two would-be carjackers by kicking one in the groin and the other in the stomach.

Ted Mazetier said he stopped one night last week to help two men with a disabled car when one punched him in the face and demanded his keys. He responded with self-defense, and the two men fled as a passer-by stopped to help.

Police arrested two suspects for investigation of assault.

Mazetier, who suffered a black eye in the incident, said he'll think twice before stopping again to help someone on the street.

I bet he still will. Now he's both older AND wiser . . . and unlike his assailants, he still knows right from wrong.

ALSO HAS A SALAD BAR
AND 14 HIDDEN POCKETS

I was whining to a friend about the dress I'm going to wear to our darling daughter's wedding. Actually, it's gorgeous and I'm excited. But around the front of the shoulders, it's kind of cut at an angle, so I can't wear my usual East German Border Guard undergarments.

She told me about a store in town where they'll measure you and help you find just the right kind of strapless, backless, upless and downless foundation garment that will make you look great and not show any straps or anything like that, reposition your tummy flab, take 10 pounds off your overall weight, and feel light and comfortable all night, too.

"It even squashes your upper-arm fat," she said. I expressed delight . . . but, too late, realized she was putting me on.

LIKE AN ACTION MOVIE HERO
TAKING OVER A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE

Maddy, 9, whined and complained about going to church on such a cool, blustery morning. No soap, Lazy Bones. Off we went.

We got to the parking lot, and she sighed. Then, grabbing the door handle, she ordered:

"OK, people. Let's do this!"

ANOTHER KID JOKE:
NO TELL MOTEL FROM HELL

That kids' Comedy Club activity we did last week yielded another crazy joke that got a lot of laughs:

Q. What did the sign say on the front of the crummy motel?

A. Sorry, We're Open

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, KID:
HERE WAS THE COMEDY CLUB WINNER

Last week, we held a "Comedy Club" in the inner-city grade school in which I lead enrichment activities on Wednesday afternoons. Of all the jokes, riddles and stories told by all the kids, this one got the most applause.

(Note to all of you who gave up candy and other treats for Lent, and are finally coming down the home stretch, with just a few days of self-sacrifice to go -- this one's for you):

Teacher: If you had five pieces of candy, and Joey asked you for one, how many pieces would you have left?

Student: Five.

MODERN TECHNOLOGY
SUGGESTS A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT CAUSE
FOR THE ORIGIN OF THE UNIVERSE

Weekend before last, I attended a series of talks by an eminent astrophysicist who is a strong Christian and believes that God created the world. From his vantage point, there's no evidence for evolution among the stars. So it follows that if they didn't evolve, life on Earth didn't evolve, either.

He blew my mind talking about how technology allows astrophysicists to look back through time, to see things that happened countless light years away, using their powerful telescopes. He said it's to the point now where they can actually see The Big Bang!

Now, he didn't SAY this, but I heard it later: they've also developed highly sensitive AUDIO equipment and can go all the way back to a moment BEFORE The Big Bang. And THIS is what they heard:

"Uh oh!!!!!"

HIRE HUMOR:
WHAT WERE THESE
JOB APPLICANTS THINKING?

Received this email with "25 Strange Résumé Blunders":

1. An applicant ghosted a head shot as the background to her resume.

2. Other Interests: Playing with my two dogs. (They actually belong to my wife, but I love the dogs more than my wife).

3. One applicant used colored paper and drew glitter designs around the border.

4. Hobbies: Getting drunk every night down by the water, playing my guitar and smoking pot.

5. Why Interested in position: To keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail.

6. A woman had attached a picture of herself in a mini mouse costume

7. Hobbies: Drugs and girls.

8. Under job-related skills for a web designer: Can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet.

9. My sister-in-law misspelled the word proofreading in her skill set.

10. The objective on one recent resume I received stated that the applicant wished to pursue a challenging account executive position with our rival firm.

11. Objective: Career on the Information Supper Highway.

12. Experience: Stalking, shipping & receiving.

13. I am great with the pubic.

14. A candidate listed her e-mail address as pornstardelight@*****.com.

15. The applicant listed her name as Alice in the resume but wrote Alyce on the onsite application.

16. One candidate's electronic resume included links to her homepage, where there were pictures of her in the nude.

17. Sent out my resume on the back side of a draft of a cover letter to another firm.

18. My duties included cleaning the restrooms and seating the customers.

19. One applicant for a nursing position noted that she didn't like dealing with blood or needles.

20. Achievements: Nominated for prom queen.

21. I once received a resume with a head-and-shoulders picture in the top left of the first page. The picture was of a lion's head, with a coat, shirt, and tie.

22. A resume was printed on the back of the person's current employer's letterhead.

23. One resume that came across my desk stated how the individual had won a contest for building toothpick bridges in middle school.

24. A resume had several grease stains and a smudge of chocolate on it.

25. Hobbies: Having a good time.

LOVE TO SEE HUMOR
IN UNEXPECTED PLACES

I bore a worried frown yesterday while driving on business to 59th and Maple Streets. That's downtown Benson, which is more or less inner city North Omaha nowadays. Hadn't been there for many years. Eww! The tattoo parlors! Eww! The boarded-up businesses! The area was really showing the ravages of our current economic doldrums.

Then my frown transformed into a happy grin, for there, in one of the worn-out glass storefronts, were two hilarious metal robots, one gray, one blue, and if you looked closely, you'd see Barbie dolls here and there.

Of all places, it was a law office. The robots were there just to be eye-catching -- just for fun.

Glad to see that a sense of humor is still legal in this tough economy!

HOPE THIS DOESN'T LAND ME
ON YOUR DOPELER RADAR

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational contest, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an a___hole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting lucky.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerative disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate , v.. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

FINALLY, A SENSIBLE SOLUTION
FOR THE ECONOMIC CRISIS

The business section of the St. Petersburg Times asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

Here's what one reader thought was the best response:

Patriotic retirement: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $3 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

All that for $120 million, too, vs. the hundreds of billions in Stimulus 1, Stimulus II, Romulus, Remus, TARP, etc. etc. Mama mia!

Don't just smile at the guy's bravado -- elect him President!

THE FLOWER GIRL
DOUBLES AS THE BOUNCER

Maddy, 8, was "camp champ" at tae kwon do last night. Out of 20 kids, she won the tournament. In the finals, she defeated a boy who is three levels, or six months, ahead of her.

Feisty little thing, she is.

She's going to be the flower girl in her eldest sister's wedding in a few weeks. She'll be a vision of girlish charm in yards of white tulle. But if we're smart, we'll have her switch places with one of the ushers. Then if any of those wedding guests becomes unruly. . . .

WONDER WHAT CHURCHILL
HAD ON HIS 'BUCKET LIST'?

And I don't just mean the cool things he wanted to do before he died. I mean, what would a brilliant statesman like Winston Churchill have been able to cut out of that atrocious, pork-packed, socialistic budget that the Democratic-controlled Congress voted in. He was always against increasing taxes. Smart fellow!

Consider his priceless wisdom:

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity
is like a man standing in a bucket
and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

— Winston Churchill, British statesman (1874-1965)

TWO-EYED, NO-HORNED, WARTLESS
PURPLE POTATO EATER?!?

Well, now I've heard everything. I thought I was clever to buy a bunch of bananas at the store. I told the produce clerk I was going to feed them to my daughter, and then cut off a piece of the peel, and make her hold it against a tiny little spot between two of her tiny toes that we think is an emerging wart.

They say the chemicals inside a banana peel will take out a wart and spare you the pain of having one frozen off.

But the produce clerk informed me that a BETTER remedy is to slice a purple potato, and hold THAT against the wartlet.

Her father, in fact, swears by it.

I didn't even KNOW there was such a THING as purple potatoes . . . but I'll try anything once. Actually, I bought a little sack of them in a little purple net, and they're pretty cute and I'm sure very nutritious.

We designated them for wart duty, though, and got started tonight. I'll report back, and if it works, I'll turn in a long, scholarly article about it to the New England Journal of Medicine. Typed up in PURPLE INK, of course.

Just for you purists, here are those lyrics that have been kicking around inside your head this whole time:


Lyrics to Purple People Eater
(By Sheb Wooley; sold 100 million copies; #1 song for 6 weeks in 1958)

Well I saw the thing comin' out of the sky
It had the one long horn, one big eye.
I commenced to shakin' and I said "ooh-eee"
It looks like a purple people eater to me.

It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater.
(One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater)
A one-eyed one-horned, flyin' puple people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (one eye?)

Well he came down to earth and lit in a tree
I said Mr. Purple People Eater don't eat me
I heard him say in a voice so gruff
I wouldn't eat you cuz you're so tough

It was a one-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (one horn?)

I said Mr. Purple People Eater, what's your line?
He said it's eatin' purple people and it sure is fine
But that's not the reason that I came to land
I wanna get a job in a rock and roll band

Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flying purple people eater.
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater
(we wear short shorts) Flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me.

And then he swung from the tree and lit on the ground.
He started to rock, really rockin' around
It was a crazy little ditty with a swingin' tune
(sing aboop boop aboopa lopa lum bam boom)

Well, bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple people eater.
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater.
Flyin' little people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (purple people?)

And then he went on his way, and then what do you know?
I saw him last night on a TV show.
He was blowing it out, a'really knockin' 'em dead
Playin' rock and roll music through the horn in his head (clarinet solo) (Tequila)

PINNED TO THE GROUND
BY A FULL BIN OF __________;
A NOT-SO-SUBTLE METAPHOR
FOR CURRENT STOCK MARKET WOES

We're taking care of two horses these days, Teddy and Dora. It has been cold and muddy lately, so a lot of time passed between thorough stall muckings. The other day, my Beloved and I each filled a big trash bin full of damp, heavy you-know-what. Hard work, but therapeutic as well as decorative for all concerned.

Then he had the nerve to go out of town. So I had to push the tremendously heavy bins to the curb for trash day.

With the first bin, I flung my entire body weight against it to tip it enough to roll it to the curb without too much trouble.

But the second bin must've been more full of . . . well, heavier. I gamely flung myself against it, trying to tip it, but my feet slipped. I fell to the ground and the bin came crashing down on top of me.

Pinned! By a container full of . . . you-know-what!

What a predicament. This . . . stinks.

If I pushed it back up, it might tip over and the smelly contents would be strewn all over our driveway.

If I tried to wriggle away, it would fall to the pavement and I'd never get it back upright again without digging a lot of the smelly contents out first.

Finally, with a mighty shove, I did get it to stand back upright, and left it there for my Beloved to maneuver out to the curb, with his superior muscle power.

My knee got a little wrenched, and I might have a little bruise on my right hip, but overall, I was fine.

Though it hurt a lot to see a carload of people pull out of the neighbor's driveway, all heads craned my way, and the telltale signs of moving jaws indicating that they were not only talking about my predicament, but laughing about it!

EVOLUTION MYTH-BUSTER:
SPECTACULAR UNDERSEA LIFE

This octopus has more arms than a high-school boy on a hot date in a dark theater!

I mean, really! Who still believes in biological evolution, not God's specific and purposeful creation, design and direction, when we can observe this amazing diversity of life?

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/206

WISH I'D BEEN INVITED
TO THIS FUN COUPLE'S WEDDING!

http://www.parkwayreststop.com:80/archives/2937

MARXISM:
IN LIKE A LION . . .
OUT LIKE A LION!?!

A relative is from Latvia. She tells stories about a fairly nice place to live reduced to a horror by the disastrous consequences of succumbing to Marxism. For instance, she spoke of having to descend 10 flights of stairs from her apartment building to go outside and cook dinner, since there was no electricity and no fuel available under communist rule.

Look on the bright side: all those steps, and paltry dinners, would be good for our diets. BA BUM CRASH!

But enough black humor. Seriously, now, take a look at what Marxism really is, how anti-Christian and anti-Semitic Karl Marx and his ideas really were, and why we need to back away from this monster before it devours us:

http://www.greatcom.org/resources/handbook_of_todays_religions/04chap02/default.htm

BARRY MANILOW,
WEAPON OF MASS DISPERSION

In the central shopping district of Christchurch, New Zealand, they're piping Barry Manilow songs over the intercom. They hope the soothing tunes of the "King of Love" will either stupefy and pacify the mall-rat teens who congregate there and cause trouble, or drive them elsewhere so that the grownups can shop and do business in peace.

Reportedly, several dozen teens regularly spread trash around, spray-paint graffiti, get drunk, use drugs, cuss, and bother patrons at the outdoor mall.

The more than 400 businesses who have resorted to a musical defense policy are attempting to tell the loitering teens that they "Can, Too, Smile Without You."

DON'T THEY TEACH RANDOM HUMOR
IN THOSE DRY CITY PLANNING CLASSES?

Maddy, 8, caught sight of the white pedestrian symbol on the electronic crosswalk sign for "GO" changing over to the orange hand meaning "STOP."

That was not elaborate enough for her.

"They need sound effects to get you to pay attention," she proclaimed. "You know: the sound of a truck stopping really fast -- SCREEEEEECH!!! -- when it's 'STOP' . . . and a coach's voice shouting, 'C'mon! Get a move on! Shake a leg! Get over here! Hurry up!' when it's 'GO.'"

We'll just have to wait 'til she's mayor, I guess.

I love it when her stream of consciousness is on "GO" but when my old brain is fried I wish I knew what button to push sometimes to make it "STOP."

HOT STOCK TIP:
WATCHING THE DOW PLUNGE IS SUCH A GAS

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding the buying or selling of stocks. But I felt this is important enough to share and to warn you, since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Ewwwwwww! Phhhhhhhhht!!!!

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:

American Can

Interstate Water

National Gas Company

Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.

Note that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

WE DON'T NEED A STIMULUS,
WE NEED ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY!!!

An attorney friend was bemoaning what has happened to his 401(k) retirement plan in the past few weeks.

"It's now a 4.01(k)," he lamented.

GROOVIN' ON THIS QUOTE

Our heads are round so that thoughts can change direction.

-- Francis Picabia, painter and poet (1879-1953)

CHRISTMAS CORNBALL

What language does Santa Claus speak?
North Polish.

Where does Santa Claus go swimming?
The North Pool.

What kind of motorcycle would Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson.

What is Santa Claus' favorite cereal?
Frosted Flakes.

What do you call Santa when he goes to the beach?
Sandy Claus.

How do Santa and Mrs. Claus travel?
On an icicle built for two.

Some children call him Santa Caus since there is Noel.

What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a rest from delivering presents?
Santa Pause!

Why will Santa go down your chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.

If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be?
A subordinate Claus.

What would Santa's grandfather be called?
Grandfather Claus.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic!

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho, ho, ho.

IT'S THE FOLLOW-UP QUESTION
THAT GETS YOU, EVERY TIME

Over the weekend, the 8-year-old put me in my place once again. Maddy and I were joking around in front of her older siblings and assorted others. I said something that I thought was fairly humorous, and she retorted:

"Oh, Mom, you're not funny!"

Mock hurt. "I'm not funny?"

Honest reply: "Not when you're TRYING to be."