DailySusan Humor Blog

'MR. DEMILLE, I'M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP"

I watched an old movie on TV last night, “Sunset Boulevard.” It stars William Holden and Gloria Swanson. You know, the down-on-his-luck Hollywood writer turns into a driveway seeking help for his sputtering car. He becomes a gigolo in a creepy household that’s a mausoleum for an old silent-movies star intent on making a comeback, and her creepy bald butler.

I’d forgotten how much personality and over-the-top stuff there was in this movie: the leopard-skin car seats . . . the bed shaped like a boat . . . the pipe organ that played by itself in the wind . . . the fan letters mailed in secret by the butler to keep her thinking she had fans . . . the dozens of pictures of herself, 30 years ago, that the lady of the house kept around everywhere.

In the last scene, everyone is saddened and shocked when she comes down the stairs, a murder suspect surrounded by cops and press. She pretends to be the temptress Salome and fawns into the news cameras in a hideous parody of glamour, imagining herself back in the silent movies on the set again, and drips narcissistically, “Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.”

It’s soooo sad when people don’t realize they’re weird and out of date.

Then I remembered that my 17-year-old daughter advised me recently that my hairdo was “dated” – basically the same style I’ve worn since my wedding day, pretty much -- and when I went to the upscale beauty salon and repeated the story, expecting a laugh, the hairdresser didn’t blink an eye, but started suggesting changes I could make. Indeed, should.

Gulp! But I love my new ‘do. So . . . “Mr. DeMille . . . NOW I’m ready for my close-up.”