DailySusan Humor Blog

HOG WILD

And to make all men see what is the fellowship of the mystery,
which from the beginning of the world hath been hid in God,
who created all things by Jesus Christ.
-- Ephesians 3:9

We have these friends who seemed totally conventional. And then we heard about their first date.

It's a Valentine’s Day reminder that love really does triumph and God works in mysterious ways, though sometimes He uses mighty unusual kindling to fan the flames of romance.

Mighty unusual.

See, our friend used to be an agricultural entrepreneur. OK, he had a cow / calf operation and raised 150 Yorkshire brood sows with some champion boars on 800 rolling acres in Iowa.

OK, OK. He was a pig farmer.

But he's a hunk. He cleans up nice. He got introduced to a cute new gal. They made a date.

Now, she was a city girl, the type who ''gets nails” and is beautifully dressed, petite and feminine all the way.

He told her he was busy ''farrowing'' and asked her to come over to his place first. They could go out on their date from there.

She had no idea what “farrowing” was. She thought it sounded manly and hands-on. She arrived in her flirty little tube top and white shorts with brand-spankin' new white clogs.

''Miss Prissy,'' he describes her now.

Well, he wasn't at the house. But the door to an outbuilding, which she later learned was the “farrowing house,” was wide open. So she went in.

It's not clear exactly why she shut her eyes. It might have been the blast of methane gas that erupted onto her hair, her clothes and her skin like a tidal wave of stinky.

Or it might have been the sight of her newfound flame . . . down on one knee with his arm all the way up a mama pig's behind.

Whatever made her close her eyes, they snapped back open when he asked her to come over and stick HER arm all the way up the mama pig's behind.

''She’s already had eight, but this one's breech! It has to be turned!” he shouted. “My arm's too big. Will you come over here and do it?”

Standing there in her flirty little tube top and white shorts, she just stared at her date. He was filthy, kneeling near the manure pit up to his armpit in 500 pounds of moanin', squealin' mama pig.

He saw that she was hesitating. So he smiled his manliest, most entrancing, most persuasive smile. “I’ve got a glove you can wear!”

He’s got a GLOVE?!?!?

A moment passed. Then her genteel reply:

“IN A PIG’S EYE, BUSTER!!!”

But she DIDN'T run out of there squealing like . . . well . . . a stuck pig. She stayed. She watched.

He tried one more time to fix the breech. It worked. He finished farrowing, winding up with 14 nice piglets. Then he dashed inside and washed up. They left on their date.

They had a wonderful time. I mean, who needs a conversational ice-breaker after that? Who knew farrowing was so harrowing?

But he didn't need to entertain her or impress her, anyway. She had already fallen head over heels in love with him. The pig stink and ridiculous position she'd seen him in didn't matter.

It was that smile.

That's all it took. That heartwarming smile of his. It made her forget all about where his arm had been, how loud the sow was squealing, and how bad it smelled in there.

That smile: it was all she saw.

They were married shortly thereafter.

OK, you men: forget the red sports car. Forget the diamond bracelet. Forget the hours in the weight room and the tooth-whitening regimen. Forget all the things you think are your best shots at wooing the woman of your dreams.

I’m not saying you should get up to your armpits in pig dip to get her attention. I am saying the Lord works in mysterious ways.

And brother, when it comes to winning the one who's meant for you, relax. He's on your side . . . and He's got moves you’ve never dreamed of. †