DailySusan Humor Blog

THE MAMMARY DIALOGUES

Nebraska Gov. Mike Johanns has been named U.S. Secretary of Agriculture, and Nebraskans are proud. But I’m sad he won’t be around in case ‘’The Vagina Monologues’’ comes around again.

You remember that controversial play: it stars a female body part in what many people consider an offensive and indecent way. It has a lot of content on lesbianism, masturbation, sex and other themes that you just don’t associate with wholesome femininity, much less fine and uplifting art.

Now, Gov. Johanns grew up on a dairy farm. A few years ago, he distinguished himself in responding to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, who wanted him to dump milk as our official state beverage, presumably because milking cows hurts them. (Believe me, I’ve been a nursing mother, and milking is what you do so you DON’T hurt.)

Anyway, Johanns wrote back saying that dairy farming is a $168 million annual industry in Nebraska, providing lots of jobs, and that he had about as much use for PETA’s idea as teats on a boar. Or something more politely gubernatorial than that.

That next week, ‘’Vagina Monologues’’ came to Omaha, and I wanted Gov. Johanns to preside over a fun little protest outside the theater. It would celebrate another female body part, or several of them: the mammaries, the oft-overlooked but nutritionally key spigot in the great circle of life.

Nobody thinks mammary glands are controversial. At least, not in proper context. Everybody is for milk. It’s a natural!

I thought we should get a permit to herd several dozen big, beautiful dairy cows outside the theatre where ‘’Vagina’’ was playing.

They could . . . you know . . . moo, and do whatever . . . to boldly register the feelings of down-to-earth, G-rated Nebraskans about the play, and maybe steal its thunder and so forth.

And Gov. Johanns could give kids milking demonstrations, so that they’ll see how cool mammary glands really are. And we could all hold hands and sing, “Thanks for the Mammaries” . . . and have the annual meeting of the Nebraska chapter of La Leche League, with a whole bunch of nursing mothers with their babies in those handy-dandy slings.

Best of all, Gov. Johanns could sport a milk moustache. Now, THAT would be ‘’art.’’

Oh, well. Maybe next time . . . in his new town, Washington, D.C.

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Prayer request: As I put out our beloved Christmas decorations this weekend, I pray that our family will keep Jesus as the center of attention now more than ever. I read about a family with a tradition on Christmas morning of everybody kneeling, praying, and singing ‘’Happy Birthday’’ in front of their miniature nativity before they rush in and start opening presents. Lord, help us create a few actions like that to keep our focus right. (Luke 2)