DailySusan Humor Blog

ACCESSORIES

I would seek unto God, and unto God would I commit my cause: Which doeth great things and unsearchable; marvelous things without number. . . .
-- Job 5:8,9

I thought he was into Internet pornography and carrying on a torrid affair. He’d be online for hours. But when I’d come near, he’d shield his computer screen and divert my attention by saying something like: “Your hair’s on fire!”

Then I’d overhear him on the phone, urgently asking, “Where can we go?” and “How long can you be out?”

Sniff, sniff. And all these years, I thought I was married to a straight-shooting, G-rated guy.

Then I learned the truth: he’s straight-shooting, all right. But he’s H-rated . . . for “Hunting.”

That’s right: the midlife crisis of my beloved has taken shape as an obsession with guns, ammo, fishing poles, the out-of-doors . . . and all the gear, boy toys and accessories that go with.

I guess I started it. This past fall, he’d gone hunting with his best friend since kindergarten. They’d had such a great time that he bought a shotgun on the way home. He was cleaning it on the porch when Maddy, 4, happened by, and frowned: “You’d better not shoot that in the HOUSE!”

So for his 50th birthday, to encourage him to get back into hunting as a hobby, I gave him a Rhino. Not the horned animal . . . the Yamaha all-terrain vehicle. It looks like a little camouflage Jeep with a cute little cargo hold and snazzy-looking roll bars.

The Rhino goes fast. Too fast. Therefore, he loved it. He immediately went out and got a camo hunting cap to match. Then an orange one. A friend gave him camo gloves, toe warmers, and some hunting-blind hors d’oeuvres. He got duck calls and ammo.

He went online and got a gun rack for the Rhino, a storage box and who knows what all else. He had an old plastic windshield for a golf cart, and rigged that up, too.

Then he started going crazy. He got a 72-part hunting outfit, with layers, zippers and secret compartments enabling him to tough out the weather on six different planets. He got longjohns, liners and socks, mysterious clip-on dealies, and a hunting-dog kennel liner even though we don’t have a hunting dog. But I assure you, that’s next.

The girls got him hunting and fishing gear for Christmas with tantalizing titles like “Walleye Patterns” and “Crappie Wisdom.” I got him a couple of hunting and fishing magazine subscriptions and even found myself wrapping his gifts in hunting-theme giftwrap.

He’s just like a little girl with a Barbie doll. Accessories: it’s alllllll in the accessories.

It’s ruining our lives. We have one decent family picture: everybody’s dressed up with no visible stains or rips. But now it’s wrecked. We don’t recognize Daddy without his camo hunting cap on anymore.

The accessorizing obsession deepens: now it’s a duck boat, Global Positioning Satellite technology, trap and skeet ranges, and endless phone calls arranging weekend jaunts with his old mutt friends.

He’s addicted. They say the wife is the last one to know. But believe me, I know. And so do the timid woodland creatures. He clanks and rattles so much with all that gear, they know he’s comin’ miles before he gets there.

Recently, he went to his friend’s acreage outside Kansas City to duck-hunt and goose-hunt with all his new glunk. They ATV’ed to a primeau spot, laid out all their decoys, and hunkered down in their super-secret blind. Now, how many shots do you think they got off, in two days?

Not one.

All that equipment, and the critters still won. Why? Because God gave THEM accessories, too. Nanny, nanny boo-boo.

So he was loading his gear back up to come home, when one of his friend’s pet geese waddled right up to him . . . and bit him high on the back of the thigh. Right where he sits down.

Oh, the irony! The poetic justice! The mighty hunter gets a . . . goose!

At least he looked cool. It’s alllllll in the accessories, you know.

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Prayer request: Robbie, a sweet and caring relative from North Carolina, sent along this resource for those who wish to help with the disaster relief of the horrible tsunami last week. The Red Cross is a great resource, too, but please visit http://www.CARE.org, make donations online at http://www.CAREusa .org or mail to CARE, Earthquake and Tsunami Relief Fund, 650 First Avenue, New York, NY 10016. Father, stir our hearts to dispatch an enormous tidal wave of love and compassion to shine the floodlight of Your love on that part of the world. Let them see that You are the one true God, the One who provides. (Genesis 22:14)

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Copyright 2005 • Susan Darst Williams, www.DailySusan.blogspot.com, is a writer, wife and mother of four who lives at the base of Mount Laundry, Neb.