DailySusan Humor Blog

THE HUNTING TEACHER’S FOOT

Thou therefore which teachest another, teachest thou not thyself?
-- Romans 2:2:21a

The man of the house went hunting last weekend. He liked it so much, he came home with a brand-new gun.

I immediately worried about safety. So did Maddy, 4. Her freckled face contorted:

‘’He’d better not shoot that in the HOUSE!’’

Guns? Hunting? What do you expect, for a man who lives with five females in a house with appliances powered by estrogen gas? He has to do SOMETHING macho.

Anyway, our daughters are getting to be of marriageable age. It’s time to display a shotgun over the fireplace, for the benefit of those young gentlemen callers.

I think he’s looking forward to some male-bonding experiences with his future sons-in-law. It’s about time there were males around to do stuff with. His boxes of ammo have long languished high on a storeroom shelf, while the Barbies, Lite Brites and My Little Ponies took center stage.

His weekends have been spent at the zoo, looking at animals, instead of shooting them. He’s been a polite spectator at the girls’ recitals and games, instead of actively out in the hinterlands, burping and scratching and doing all those other constructive guy things.

But now the girls are older, and he has time. At last, he can be a teacher of men in the manly arts of manhood. But first, he’ll have to teach himself. Unlike his new gun, he’s pretty rusty.

The best thing about being away from hunting all these years is that, in the meantime, everybody ELSE has made all the mistakes imaginable. He can use OTHER people’s blunders to teach his future sons-in-law what NOT to do:

1. The Tender Heart.

A man we know couldn’t bring himself to shoot any timid woodland creatures. So for years, he just walked around with his gun on his shoulder, Everyone ribbed him. Finally, one day, a pheasant flew up right in front of him. He fired. Wouldn’t you know: he ‘’stuffed’’ that turkey up the proverbial whazoo, making it inedible, and relegating him to the Grossout Hall of Fame.

2. Bad Aim.

A workaholic business owner, this occasional hunter wasn’t used to being out in the fresh November air for 12 hours, followed by fresh brewski’s around the poker table. So he awoke in the middle of the night with an urgent need out both ends. He staggered to the necessary room, took aim, felt faint . . . and fell and conked his head, bad. He had to be driven a long way to the nearest medical facility and bandaged profusely. Then someone else had to drive his car home. It was hard to explain his ‘’hunting accident’’ to his family, especially since, in the confusion, he forgot to bring home his pheasants.

3. The Hunting Safety Teacher.

Another man we know has taught a lot of gun safety classes. He’s quite a preacher on it. Well, a while ago, he was hunting with his teenage son. He was using a borrowed gun, which he KNOWS you’re not supposed to do, but he had the safety on. How was HE to know that it didn’t work? And then the son drove over to another location in the ATV and left him alone, which you’re ALSO not supposed to do . . . and . . . you KNEW this was coming . . . while he was just sitting there, the safety slipped, the gun went off, and a bullet took away some of his pinkie toe and the surrounding hide, and most of his pride. Oh, it hurt, and not just the owie. You can just imagine the jokes from his longtime hunting buddies, because he literally shot himself in the foot. Teacher, teach thyself!

Armed with these lessons, a-hunting my Elmer Fudd will go. I hope he has fun. I hope he knows how much he is loved and appreciated, whether he comes home with dinner and pretty feathers or not. Most of all, I hope Elmer will be ‘’vehhhhwy, vehhhhwy carefuww’’ out there . . . and like everything else he does in life, give it his best shot.

------------------------------------------------

Praise report: My beloved marks his 50th birthday this Wednesday. Yes, his gift is going to have something to do with hunting. No, I’m not worried he will have a midlife crisis and turn that gun on ME. He’s in a very good place, at midlife. I praise You, Father, for my match made in heaven – my keeper, my servant, my leader, my love. I pray for the rest of his life to be filled with fun, friends, and an even closer walk with You, ‘til the day You ‘’bag’’ him for his heavenly reward. (1 Corinthians 13:13)

Prayer request: Here is a wonderful idea that I tried, and it worked, so I’m passing it on. Rebekah Tauber is a 15-year-old from Houston who is presently undergoing cancer treatment. She is a fierce Christian who attends Memorial High School. She is wearing a ‘’prayer pager’’ sponsored by Second Baptist Church in Houston. Please take a minute to say a quick prayer for Rebekah, her family and her doctors -- asking that God's guiding hand be with them through this ordeal. Then please call the toll free pager number (1-800-250-6939). You do not need to put in your name or phone number -- just your zip code. The pager will vibrate, letting Rebekah know that someone has just prayed for her. (Romans 10:17)

-------------------------------------------------

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE!!!