DailySusan Humor Blog

DI’N’T AH TELL YEW THAT?

The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.
-- Proverbs 15:2

As a teenager, I once swan-dived off a cliff into a lake in the Missouri Ozarks. Highly inadvisable. But what a rush! What a feeling! What a miracle, to still HAVE feeling, and not to have broken my neck! Later, I was telling somebody about it, and my mom overheard.

“You did WHAT?!?!?!’’ she exclaimed.

‘’Ohhhhhh,’’ I replied in my fake Southern accent. ‘’Di’n’t ah tell yew that?’’

Some things, it’s just best they not know.

Another time, we got pinched by a Mississippi state trooper. There’d been complaints about a car from Nebraska returning from the Sugar Bowl with the occupants MOONING everyone they passed at a high rate of speed. We talked our way out of the ticket. Whew! Later, though, word of our exploit spread:

‘You were almost ARRESTED?!?!?!?!’’ Mom exclaimed.

“Ohhhhhh,’’ I replied, eyes wide. ‘’Di’n’t ah tell yew that?’’

Don’t get me wrong. We got along great. I could tell her anything. Sometimes, though, for strategic reasons, I kind of saved stuff for later.

And so the dead-battery-in-the-heart-of-the-big-city story never got told. And the unexplained markings on the car . . . the wacky ways I lost my contacts . . . the ‘’F’’ on the Econ final . . . all these extraneous facts somehow got left by the wayside of the Information Superhighway between Mom and me.

Years went by. I thought ‘’forgetting’’ was just something daughters did, to spare their dear mothers the pain, the sorrow, the unnecessary worry.

But now that my friends and I have daughters of our own, we’ve learned something:

MOMS do it, TOO!

What would the world be like if we didn’t? One thing’s for sure: NOBODY would have babies, if we blabbed everything we knew about childbirth.

Our dear friend Jeannie Runty’s daughter Jessie had one this past week. Jaci Jean may never know that the real reason her birth was calm and peaceful was that her grandmother was wise enough NOT to tell the expectant mother her childbirth horror stories beforehand.

You know: how they LIE and tell you that what you are feeling are ‘’contractions’’ and not ‘’MIND-BENDING, LIP-CURLING PAIN!!!’’ . . .

. . . how the gorp that comes out after the baby is so gross . . .

. . . how a friend who’s a dairy farmer and first-time expectant father had birthed 50-some babies, to that point all bovine, and he hoped he didn’t have to take a hold of THIS young’un by the legs and YANK . . .

. . . how immediately after giving birth you want your husband to sign a paper that he will NEVER come near you ‘’that way’’ again, the pain was sooooooo bad. . . .

You don’t TELL them this stuff.

You don’t TELL them about the lady whose labor was so intense, every blood vessel in her face and eyeballs BURST, and her hair stuck out in all directions like Medusa. AAAIIIEEE!!! No WONDER her baby is crying so hard in those first pictures.

You don’t TELL them about another friend who delivered her baby this past Halloween night, with the wind and rain howling outside, and an inexperienced med student who had never seen a natural childbirth before white-knuckling it, and her elbow kept hitting the light button at her side during her contractions, so that the lights would inexplicably go:

BRIGHT . . . DIM . . . OUT! (SCREAM!!!)

BRIGHT . . . DIM . . . OUT! (SCREAM!!!)

THESE are things that women in childbirth just shouldn’t KNOW.

Afterwards, when Jessie said what new mothers have said from the dawn of time – ‘’I had no IDEA it would get so INTENSE!!!’’ -- her mother could reply in all honesty, well-coached by her adoring and somewhat devious friend:

“Ohhhhhh! Di’n’t ah tell yew that?’’

Sometimes, it’s just better if you don’t . . . especially if you want grandchildren.

She can tell little Jaci Jean allllll about it . . . someday, later, strategically, when the time is jussssssst right.

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Prayer request: Father, we are so grateful for the well-timed, healthy arrival of Jaci Jean Sievers this past Wednesday. Thank You for granting our prayer that the delivery wouldn’t interfere with her father Chad’s play in the Oklahoma game. Your timing, as always, was perfect, and so is the love that’s surrounding this young family. All glory, honor and praise are Yours, and we will make sure little Jaci Jean comes to know You and tells YOU everything! (1 John 5:4)