DailySusan Humor Blog

PUMPKINHEAD FOR PRESIDENT

When the righteous are in authority, the people rejoice: but when the wicked beareth rule, the people mourn.
-- Proverbs 29:2

It was Halloween. We were patronizing an establishment enjoying festive beverages. Partygoers were sticking pins in balloons, breathing the helium, and talking like cartoon characters. High humor at the expense of a few brain cells.

Then we put upside-down jack o’lanterns on our heads (sans candles, at least).

Then we drove to our friend the med student’s house to trick or treat.

I watched from the car as my three pumpkinheaded comrades rang the doorbell, making a racket, and calling for ‘’Chief.’’

Yes, ‘’Chief.’’ There’s a doctor out there nicknamed ‘’Chief’’ . . . with friends who are pumpkinheads.

Be aware, and be scared.

My beloved, now my husband, was repeating a line from the movie about the guy with the monstrous head, ‘’The Elephant Man.’’ To wit:

‘’I am not an animal! I’m a HU-man BE-ingggggg!’’

The door flew open, revealing “Chief’’ in his BVDs. Robbers! Weirdos! Maybe both! Better slug ‘em!

He struck my beloved right in the pumpkinhead, which broke apart. He fell backward over the banister. ‘’Chief’’ exclaimed casually:

‘’Oh! It’s YOU!’’

Laughs all around. No one was hurt, except, of course, the pumpkin. Today, they’re a doctor, a lawyer and a captain of industry – wonderful people.

But if any of them ever ran for office, the way it’s going today, the opposition would root this story out, spin it, and destroy that campaign.

You know: ingesting a controlled substance! (‘Course, once a balloon is pierced, the helium is no longer ‘’controlled.’’)

Stealing and desecrating a national cultural symbol! (But at midnight, the pumpkins would turn back into carriages.)

Criminal, violent assault! (A drive-by . . . QUASHING?)

The thing is, plenty of people would BUY that trash talk.

Far too many voters don’t ask good questions any more: Is he honest? Is he productive? Has he been faithful to others? Is he kind? Is he consistent? Does he do the right things? Would he put our interests first?

Nah. That’s too much work to find out. Instead, what’s the DIRT? What clever one-liner can slice and dice his life into a tasty morsel? What ‘’spin’’ can reduce him into an amusing figure in a wax museum?

‘’May the best man win’’? Now it’s: ‘’may the man who spins the best, win.’’

I hope most voters will avoid all that, and wisely pick the one who’ll do the job the right way . . . the closest to God’s way.

For President, that person is George W. Bush.

I like how he names the Name of Jesus Christ, and who he is as a husband, father, and leader tested in the fires of 9/11. I answer “yes’’ to those key questions for him, and mostly ‘’no’’ for his opponent.

But I also deplore something his opponent did: exaggerated his war wounds.

When John Kerry did that, he was done.

Why? Because of my friend, Albert Walsh, a retired Nebraska judge, who was injured more severely in World War II Germany than Kerry ever was to obtain those three Purple Hearts. But Walsh didn’t report his injury and never got a Purple Heart.

Why not? Because a guy in his squad was killed by 88mm artillery fire that day. His corporal lost his arm. The medics had plenty of other wounded men to care for.

So Walsh toughed it out, and has only a scar for a souvenir.

What makes it funny is that the Heinies wounded Walsh in the heinie. Another reason he didn’t pursue a medal: he didn’t want that on his Army records.

That makes him a pumpkinhead.

A hero, too. Someone brave. Someone worthy. The real deal.

W is a pumpkinhead, too. If you don’t vote for him Tuesday, I may show up on YOUR doorstep in MY undies and a pumpkinhead, shouting for YOU to come out.

So be aware. And be scared.

Just kidding. Trick or treat . . . and remember, on Tuesday, ALL our heinies are on the line. So vote accordingly . . . you pumpkinhead.

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Prayer request: On a serious note, Lord, we’ve heard the call for a day of solemn prayer and fasting for our country on Monday. We will heed that call to prepare for Election Day so that our nation will elect Godly leaders, from the highest office on down. Thank You for the privilege of living in a free country, and help us, Lord Jesus, to keep it that way. (Matthew 5:13-16)

Prayer request: Thank You, too, for the neat experience of holding a Bible study in our home these last several weeks. For one couple, it hasn’t been just the Purpose-Driven Life; it’s been the PREGNANCY-Driven Life! And our dear friend Kerry may be going into labor as we speak! We unite in prayer for a wonderful birth experience and a healthy, happy baby, mama and papa, in Jesus’ Name. New life! Your favorite thing, Lord! (2 Corinthians 5:17)