DailySusan Humor Blog

THE BIG BAT

I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door. . . .
-- Revelation 3:8

There’s a 15-foot softball bat in our garage. We made it last week out of PVC pipe, newspapers, poster board, black landscaping plastic, and lots of black duct tape.

We put it up outside school to cheer on our daughter’s softball team for Districts. You know: big sticks, girls. Big sticks!

Lo and behold, they made it to State, thanks in part to our daughter’s spectacular triple. The door’s wide open now to win it all.

‘Course, we’ll have to fix the big bat. A rainstorm morphed it into a droopy shepherd’s crook. Not real inspiring.

The four-foot softball also needs work. The paint never dried. A bunch of grass and stuff stuck to it. It looks like it has a beard. Not real inspiring, either. So it’ll get a papier-mache facelift. And back up it’ll go this week, along with the big bat.

When people ask if we’re crazy, we can reply that no, we don’t have a bat in our belfry. It’s in our garage.

But one night years ago, we had a big bat in our house . . . and Daddy became a superhero.

Our older girls, about 5 and 4, shared a room, and the baby -- today’s hard-hitting centerfielder -- was in another. My husband had returned to work after dinner. I had put the young’uns to bed and was reading downstairs.

All of a sudden, I heard the older girls scream, then fall silent. I thought they were just horsing around, so I ignored them. That’s my usual mothering strategy: avoid effort by feigning deafness.

But then I heard the 1-year-old exclaiming: ‘’Boody! Boody!’’

After a few seconds, the other two screamed again.

‘’Don’t make me come up there!’’ I finally croaked, weakly.

The oldest one responded, ‘’Mommy! Come quick! There’s a big bird in the house!’’

Envisioning a gigantic raven pecking their eyes out, or at least pooping on my nice carpet, I took the stairs two at a time. Jordan and Neely were standing on a bed, hugging each other in the dark. Something was flying around the room at ceiling height. It whizzed over my head, down the hall, and into the baby’s room.

“Boody! Boody!’’ she exclaimed, chuckling.

I ran in and flipped the switch. There was Beamer in her footie jammies, hanging on to her crib rail with one hand, and pointing to the ceiling with the other . . . where a huge, black, ghastly BAT was circling the light fixture.

‘’Boody, Mommy,’’ Beamer said, beaming.

I was envisioning her foaming at the mouth with rabid vampire bat bites down her neck. I wouldn’t need to make her a Halloween costume that year. She would BE a Halloween costume!

Just then, the bat plunged to the floor, folded its huge wings, and looked at me plaintively.

‘’Get me out of here,’’ the message seemed to be.

Well, whaddya know? The bat was as scared as we were.

Because Beamer’s nursery was also my office, there was a computer paper box lid handy. I threw it on top of the bat. And then I performed Mothering Strategy No. 2: I called my husband.

‘’AAAIIIEEE!!!” was the gist of what I said.

He leaped into his black Thunderbird, thereafter designated ‘’The Batmobile,’’ and sped home. He masterfully grasped his hero’s weapon, a racquetball racquet, and slid it under the bat. Lifting the racquet and lid with the bat between, like a macabre hamburger, he strode outside. We tippy-toed behind.

Batman took off the lid. The big bat looked at us with a mixture of thanks and disgust over how hysterical we girls had been, and flew off into the night.

We couldn’t help ourselves. We sang, ‘’Born Free!’’ Then we searched the house to make sure that which was born free would stay free. Aha! We’d left the fireplace damper open. That’s how he got in.

You don’t give big bats an opening, because they’ll take it.

‘Course, this week, we hope that works to our team’s advantage.

The door’s wide open! Go, big bats! Take State!

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Prayer Request: We lift up a Christian missionary for urgent prayer. Dan Lague has a rare brain cancer that has returned. More surgery is not possible, so he is taking oral chemo. Learn more about him on www.lagueministries.com and read his booklet, ‘’Dealing With Physical Affliction.’’ Lord, we thank You for blessing Dan and his wife Carol and three sons, Zach, Blake and Mitchell, with the faith and courage to go through this trial. We join them in praying for a miracle healing, if it be Your will. (Matthew 9:22)