DailySusan Humor Blog

DOUBLE IMPERSONATION

O God, thou knowest my foolishness; and my sins are not hid from thee.
-- Psalm 69:5

Ah, romantic attraction! Ah, thrilling infatuation! Around Valentine’s Day, it’s fun to mimic the timid woodland creatures in Bambi getting “twitterpated.”

Just don’t let it get out of hand. A powerful crush can cause you and your friends to do things you wouldn’t normally do. Things that could get you arrested and thrown in the clink for the rest of your life. Not a bad way to get out of housework, but still. . . .

Here’s my embarrassing story: my young friend had taken a shine to a police officer in our town. He looked good in his uniform, I guess.

Her hints at wanting a date were too subtle. She wanted a way to get his attention, short of speeding through town at 110 mph or robbing a store.

It was almost Christmas. So she hatched this scheme:

She talked a friend of hers, a macho man with a barrel chest and lots of muscles, into posing for a picture in a Santa Claus teddy. That’s right, ladies’ lingerie.

Red velvet, white fur and all.

Not only that, but he was in cowboy boots, holding a horse whip. She took the picture in his back yard. It was the fastest photo session in recorded history.

She drove far away to get the film developed anonymously.

Then she came to me, which is a worry. What? Me diabolical? She wanted a picture of the police officer’s face. No problem! I went to work. Presto! It was right there on the police department’s website. That’s a small town for you. We printed it out.

Then we carefully cut off the other guy’s head – from the picture, with an X-acto knife, of course – and replaced it with her crush’s. Perfect! Counterfeiters couldn’t match that patch job.

Beads of remorseful sweat suddenly formed on my brow. What were we doing? This could scar him for life! This could destroy his career! AND HE’S GOT A GUN!

I tried to talk her out of it. But she was on a twitterpated toot.

She got some jolly Christmas paper and had the image photocopied with the message, “Ho Ho Ho!”

Then she talked the weekend police dispatcher into putting copies in everybody’s briefing book for Monday morning.

Legal concepts from my days as a courthouse reporter jammed my mind and kept me sleepless:

Intentional infliction of emotional distress!

Accessory to the felony of ridiculing law enforcement!

Harassment!

Impersonating an officer!

Impersonating an officer as a female impersonator!

The next thing I knew, he was driving by my house regularly, reaaaal slow. I couldn’t tell if he was smiling or frowning. I knew I’d really be in for it if I went to get the binoculars and got caught looking back. Looking . . . guilty!

Meanwhile, my friend wouldn’t return my increasingly-desperate phone calls.

I kept expecting a SWAT team in hooded sweatshirts to break down my door, screaming, “Freeze! Up against the wall!” I would mistake them for our teenagers and their friends, who all wear hooded sweatshirts 24 / 7. I would bark orders for NO ONE to go up against ANY wall because it’s SOOOOO hard to clean those pesky fingerprints. And then they would machine-gun me for resisting arrest. And THEN how would the wall look?!?

Finally, two of our kids were stopped outside a neighborhood t-p job. Habitual lawbreaker that I am, I knew about it. I even lent the getaway car. They’d found out a neighbor girl who’d been sick all her life had never gone t-p’ing. That couldn’t stand. Naturally, they all got caught. By you-know-who.

But you know what? He let them go, with a warning, and a wink.

Shortly thereafter, my friend fell deeply in love and got married . . . to someone else. Someone ELSE?!? After all THAT?!?

No hijinks involved. The cop just wasn’t “the one.” Sigh.

But he still drives around my house sometimes, reaaaal slow. I may have gotten away with some criminal mischief on the romance beat . . . but as far as he’s concerned, I’ll be on probation for life.

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Praise report: It is with unbounded joy that I can pass along the good news of reconciliation between two women. It’s a goal that several of us have been praying for, for months. The mother-in-law, Bonnie, is one of the sweetest, kindest, most open and welcoming people I’ve ever met. Her face just glows with the love of the Spirit. It has been perplexing to us to learn that she and her daughter-in-law have clashed, but we know it takes two to tango. Thank You, Lord Jesus, for working in both of their hearts to break the dam of icy misunderstanding so that love can flow, now and always. (2 Corinthians 5:18)