DailySusan Humor Blog

EDWINA WAS A GNAW-TY GIRL

Why is it that no one ever tells you these horror stories about certain types of pets until after you’ve bought one? By then, getting rid of your new pet before these things can happen to you would cause lifelong emotional scars in your child. Now that we have a new guinea pig, Fluffy, the horror stories are coming out of the woodwork . . . literally.

Take the saga of Edwina, the hamster. A friend’s daughter was rushing off to a weekend away, and got Edwina all ready to “batch” it in her cage except for one minor detail: she forgot to put the lid on. She slammed the door to her room and left.

The mother only had to do one thing all weekend: go in on Sunday morning, add a little food, and check on Edwina. Naturally, this adult woman was terrified of rodents. But anything for the cause, and it would be over in two minutes.

EXCEPT . . . the cage was empty! AAIIEE!!!

That awful little rodent could jump out at any moment and give this poor woman a heart attack! Did it escape through the vent and was it going to plop down on the woman’s FACE that night as she SLEPT? You know that skin on the back of your neck? Well, it was CRAWLING with imaginary Edwinas!!!

Worst of all, that busy little Edwina had gnawed all across the bottoms of two solid-oak closet doors, in just that little bit of time that she was free. They were going to have to be taken off, sanded, restained and refinished. It was going to be expensive.

But if the mother did what she was thinking of doing – putting on her 1970s waffle stompers and making a FLAT Edwina – her little girl would be permanently scarred. That would happen, too, if the little girl came home and Edwina was MIA.

So the mother did the best she could: she got the big sack of hamster food, and tossed little handfuls along the perimeter of the room: “Here, Edwina! Come here, Girl! Nice hamster! Where are you, Edwina?”

Fearing the onset of a nervous breakdown, she finally set the container of hamster food in the center of the room, ran out, slammed the door, and went somewhere to cry.

When she came back in, she still didn’t see Edwina. So she went to pick up the container of food . . . AND WAS STARTLED TO SEE THAT INSIDE WAS EDWINA, UP TO HER SNOOT IN SEEDS AND NUTS!!!

The mother screamed and screamed, but got Edwina back in her habitat and got the lid on securely. Like, with 17 big rocks on top.

Her face still twitches as she retells the tale. I just hope Fluffy doesn’t get any big ideas.