DailySusan Humor Blog

CHUTES, LADDERS AND VODKA MARTINIS

The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness . . . teachers of good things.
-- Titus 2:3

Maddy wanted to wear her cowgirl shirt, but it was in the laundry. I told her that while I washed it, she could wear her new pink robe.

''Noooooo!'' she protested, totally in the buff.

''But it's cold out!''

The piercing brown eyes looked left. The piercing brown eyes looked right. Finally, she relented.

I double-knotted the robe's belt, but got the dreaded unibrow. One of the belt ends was a MICRON longer than the other. Untie. Redo. The unibrow relaxed. Off we went to breakfast.

''Mommy!'' she exclaimed. ''Can we go to the museum and see Dinosaur Is Rex?''

''Mommy!'' she exclaimed. ''Why doesn't it snow in rainbow colors?''

''Mommy!'' she exclaimed, taking my face into her 3 1/2-year-old hands. ''YOU’RE GETTING OLD!''

It was only 9 a.m. I was stressed. Lord, have mercy.

I had put off taking a shower while the washer was running. Once I put her shirt in the dryer, I set Maddy in front of the 'toons and told her I'd be right back.

Lah de dahhh! Hum de dummm! Oh, the pleasures of a nice, long shower out of the clutches of the world's shortest terrorist!

Suddenly, a very short NUDIST was pounding on the shower door.

''MADDY! Where's your ROBE?''

''I took it off. Mommy!'' she exclaimed. ''There are two guys at the front door. They want to talk to you.''

Oh, no! You can see right into our foyer. My mind raced over the possibilities: our minister and a police officer? Our Congressman and a Child Protective Service agent? Maybe Jehovah's Witnesses – witnessing an eyeful, all right.

''What do they look like?''

''Well,'' Maddy said, ''one had a beard and one didn't. They were both smiling.''

I could imagine their reaction if not one, but TWO nudists came to the door. So I did the sensible thing: hoped they went away.

By the time we got downstairs with one of us fully dressed, at least, they were gone.

Never did figure out who they were. It gave me stress. As the day went on and Maddy continued her challenging ways, I caught myself humming ''Take This Job And Shove It.'' Nervous tics and twitches emerged. But at least there was something to look forward to: we were going to pick up Maddy's little friend and go see my mom later in the afternoon.

Ahhh! A visit to Grandma's. It soothes the savage beast.

She had laid out her childhood tea party set. I asked her if she had a teapot with vodka martinis – shaken AND stirred, like me that day. No, just punch and cookies. We laughed.

She served us like an English butler. We crooked our pinkies and talked about fox hunting. We each tucked a quarter under the placemat. Grandma spelled, ''For the C-A-S-I-N-O?'' She and I laughed some more.

The girls made sock puppets, a piggy and a kitty, and put on a show. The plot thickened, and stayed thick. We applauded like mad.

We had a long walk with Grandma and her dog, ''Money,'' so named so that her grandchildren would say, ''We’re going to visit our grandmother who has Money.''

Finally, we played ''Chutes and Ladders.'' Grandma modeled good sportsmanship by smiling even when she hit a chute. She also spotted Maddy moving her gamepiece up a ladder after an ''inadvertent miscount.''

Grandma spelled, ''Did I just see Maddy C – H – E – A – T?''

Hmm. SHE's the one who used to get busted at Bridge Club for humming ''Heart of My Heart'' before her partner bid.

''I think it SKIPS a generation,'' I said.

We laughed again.

Then the girls wanted to play ''Hungry, Hungry Hippos.'' But Grandma said we couldn't. Why not?

''I don’t have the marbles,'' she said, immediately knowing what was coming.

''Yes, girls, Grandma's lost her marbles, so I guess it's time to go,'' I said gently.

My spirits were lifted. I felt sooooooooo much better. A visit to Grandma's will do that.

With or without the V–O–D–K–A M–A–R–T–I–N–I–S.

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Prayer request: A friend who was laid off through no fault of her own is struggling, Lord. She is questioning her very value as a person. Oh, Father, bring her an even better job ASAP in a way that makes it clear that Your hand is on her and that she is a priceless child of Yours indeed. (Matthew 10:31).