AN ODD REFLECTION
ON 'WHAT ARE THE ODDS'?

This weird friend of mine had this observation:

"Wow! Almost lost my wife, my kids, and everything, due to my gambling addiction. Fortunately, I won them back on the next hand."

Sigh. Is that guy sane? Think that's a bad bet.

SWEEEEET ADVICE
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT

Quoting my wise old friend:

"Sometimes you just have to eat a whole pie by yourself in order to show young people what's possible."

Strike that. Wise-GUY old friend. :>)

WAR OF THE WORLDS MOVIE,
BAD COLD COLLIDE

Bad coincidence last night:



The 1953 classic movie, "War of the Worlds," was on TV, and the man of the house had come down with a terrible chest cold.

"I'll get the vaporizer," I said.

Our daughter cringed. On the TV screen, "horrible" aliens were vaporizing defenseless human beings! "I mean, the humidifier," I quickly corrected. It's true that you have to ATTACK a cold . . . but not quite like THAT!

PRESIDENTS DAY SALE
HAS AMAZING OUTCOME

Quoting a friend:

"I took advantage of a great Presidents Day sale at the car lot. I got a new car for my husband. I was surprised they would give me that much for him."

Ba-boom CRASH!

ASKING AN 11-YEAR-OLD
TO JOIN THE AARP? AARP!!!

We're in mourning. Dori, our 6-year-old guinea pig, passed away unexpectedly last week. My Beloved was able to prepare the grave and bury the deceased under the big pine trees in the back yard before the 8" snowstorm. But there were still some tender emotions in the house.

Then Maddy, 11, came in with the mail. She was excited. She had gotten a letter! Well, what do you know: the American Association of Retired Persons was inviting her to join, and apply for a $50,000 group life insurance policy through New York Life.

"Listen!" Maddy exclaimed, reading the form letter aloud. "Life insurance can help your family with living expenses . . . or help pay bills you may leave behind, including medical costs, credit cards, loan balances, AND FUNERAL COSTS."

She looked up. "How did they find out about Dori?!?"

Oh, this junk mail . . . it will be the death of us all.

WHO KNEW? TOM HANKS' DAD
IS FAMOUS, TOO

Love this song. Love it more, now that I know that actor Tom Hanks' father is the lead singer! In the middle of this clip, he stands in profile and you can just SEE the resemblance. It's fun. Enjoy:

http://www.flixxy.com/the-diamonds-little-darlin-1957-2004..htm

KIDS RESIST GOING GREEN
WHEN IT'S VEGETABLES

A friend's 5-year-old son cracks me up. He told his mom that he HATED green beans, but ate them because he wanted her to be impressed.

Reminds me of Maddy at about that age. We tried to introduce her to artichokes. We oohed and ahhed as our teeth stripped the goodness off each artichoke leaf, exaggerating the delicious taste.

She sat there the whole time with a black unibrow, scowling at us ever more, the harder we tried to entice her into trying just one little bite.

Finally, she muttered, "That is NOT happening!"

FLIPPING HIM THE (BIRD) STARE
DOESN'T BRING IT BACK

What? You ate the last Girl Scout cookie?!?

KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS,
PART II

Yesterday's volunteer trip into the wilds of a day-care center by middle-schoolers acting as reading mentors had many moments of comedy. Here's another one:

Maddy, age 11, was reading the profound classic, "Mr. Brown Can Moo," to five 3- and 4-year-olds. Halfway through, one of them interrupted her.

"What's your name?" he inquired.

"Maddy. What's yours?"

"I don't know. But he's Mason!" he replied, pointing to the boy next to him.

They are royalty in the Kingdom of Random.

KIDS ASK
THE DARNDEST QUESTIONS

Our middle school service learning club went into a day-care center this afternoon to read Dr. Seuss to the itty bitties. The "Book Buddies" had a great time. They were practically levitating with joy on the way home for how good it felt to give a little of their time to others, though the hour was loud, boisterous and wild, the room smelled faintly of diapers and the carpet underneath them was . . . damp. Ewww!

One sixth-grade girl reported this strange encounter with a 4-year-old, who asked her:

"What's your name?"

"Cassie."

"WHY?"

She was dumbfounded. He must've been in that phase little kids all go through, in which they incessantly ask "why?"

All she could do was laugh . . . and of course, THEN he asked her why she was LAUGHING . . . and she just said it was because the book she was reading them was funny . . . and THEN he asked her WHY. . . .

T.G.I.F.!
THAT'S MADDY, AT RIGHT, WITH
HER GOOD FRIEND. NEVER A DULL TWEENER MOMENT!

THE BRITS ARE BLOODY FUNNY;
WANT ADS DON'T WANT FOR HUMOR

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!



FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.



FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.



COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.



JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.



WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.



**** And the WINNER is... ****



FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

THOSE MUG MAKERS NEED TO K.I.S.S.:
KEEP IT SIMPLE, SILLY

A buddy of mine got a new coffee mug from somewhere. He finally realized the irony of the printing on this mug.

It reads:

SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY

For some amount of time, he has been drinking his coffee out of that mug, and it never dawned on him 'til yesterday that the mug itself is hypocritical.

If you were REALLY trying to exhort people to simplify, you would only have that word on there ONCE. So what was their point by having it twice -- that when you TRY to simplify your life, you invariably end up COMPLICATING it more?

It's enough to mess with your mind. Gimme that mug. I NEED A DRINK!

MICRO-MINI KANGAROO:
AND YOU THOUGHT KIDS WERE HYPER

Here's a couple of jerboas -- cute little desert rodents. They're moving around faster than my eye can watch. Reminds me of kids getting ready for school in the morning:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7uw5HLMuP0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

CATTY-CAKE, CATTY-CAKE,
MEOW-VELOUS REPARTEE


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3iFhLdWjqc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

HONK IF YOU THINK
THEIR GOOSE IS COOKED

Ah, the weird sights you see out in the community on a sunny day. Guess this driver needed to de-liver a lot of de-coys. Either that, or all these geese went out on the town and were now so stiff and hung over, they piled into the back to sleep it off:

TGIF: BABY ELEPHANT BATH
WITH A MATCHING SONG

This adorable video:

cries out to be watched while listening to this adorable Henry Mancini song, “Baby Elephant Walk”:

http://www.last.fm/music/Henry+Mancini/_/Baby+Elephant+Walk
(note: hit the 30-second preview)

I don't know how to merge them, but sure enjoy them even separately.

Must keep this from Maddy or sure as shootin', she'll start clamoring for a pet baby elephant. We've got enough pooper-scooping around these parts as it is, with two dogs, a cat and a guinea pig.

WHOLE LOT OF GOOD EATS
BUT PUTS A 'WHOLE' IN YOUR WALLET

A very dear friend hosted me for lunch at her house today, and served gorgeous, yummy selections from the Whole Foods market near her home. She loves it and goes there darned near every day.

The salad had super-duper lettuce, kale, pumpkin seeds, and all kinds of organic delights, and there were cold, fat shrimp that I'm sure were raised ethically, multiculturally and cage-free.

The only down side is that, yep, all this excellent, delicious and nutritious stuff costs money.

That's why her husband calls it "Whole Paychecks."

A PROFOUND CASE
OF 'LABRADORICAL DEPRESSION'

Yesterday's weather was beautiful. Aha! A chance to finally, finally plant those fat, quality spring bulbs that I ordered last October. Our daughter had planted some in her fiance's yard, and my favorite preschool planted more, but I still had probably $30 or $40 worth in the garage that I never got around to getting under a soil blanket last fall.

Garden Procrastination Queen that I am, I've done this before, and knew they'd come up if I could get them in the ground before a hard freeze. And one was a'comin'.

So out I went to the garden, with bulbs, bone meal and some quality compost:

Just a couple of hours later, I ventured outside again . . . and found that a mini-mountain of fresh dirt and scattered bulbs were all over the driveway!

That renegade 1-year-old Labrador retriever, Maisy "Mayhem" Williams!!!

I ranted and raved . . . but this is not the first time she has done this. Ah should've knowed better.

Oh, well. Always wanted to try "forcing" bulbs. Now's my chance!

And who could stay mad at this face for long:

GOOD THING
DOGS ARE BONEHEADS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9UQSUHHdtA&feature=youtube_gdata_player