When Golfers Get Too Frisky: FORE!

Hubby was in a men's stag golf tournament over the weekend that featured one crazy golfer in a Scottish outfit, complete with kilt.

Apparently, he bragged of "going commando" in the underwear department, though mercifully, he didn't try to prove it.

However, it was unwise of the organizers to place the beer coolers in a prominent part of the ballroom for the party afterwards. The kilt wearer manfully strode up to the cooler to get a beer, bent over . . .

. . . and removed alllllllll doubt.

It gave new meaning to the term "highland fling."

Wacky Photo Apps for Kids

A Not-So-Wacky OIympic Torch

Perfect Dish Towel for a Divorcee or Widow

Future Flirting Pro

Grandma, Mom and Dad, and Brian, age 9, were at a restaurant. The waitress was a gorgeous blonde young woman.

When Brian ordered, he asked all kinds of questions about the fish tacos on the menu. She answered kindly. When the food came, he asked for extra salsa, which she brought, and later a go-box, which she provided.

When she came with the bill, Brian brought down the house. He looked at her and said:

"CALL ME!!!"

What We Need to Ban to Stay Safe

The horrible terrorism incident on Bastille Day in Nice, France, has created a worldwide push to ban ASSAULT TRUCKS.

That reminds me -- since the murder "weapon" in the case of Steven Roy Harper in Omaha many years ago was actually a pitcher of lemonade in which he placed poison, I feel we also need to ban ASSAULT LEMONADE.

Then one of the murderers on Death Row in Nebraska drowned a little boy in the bathtub. Naturally, this calls for a worldwide ban on ASSAULT BATHTUBS.

Sheesh. The only BAN I want to hear about is the added DEODORANT under the arms of ISIS terrorists when they hear American bombers overhead. :>)

Arm & Hammer, or Maybe Arm & Pudding

Have been doing a lot of gardening and yard work. My new hobby is feeling my arm muscles with pride and satisfaction.

However, maternal buffness is in the eye of the beholder. One time, years ago, I offered my bicep to Maddy, age 10. "Go ahead. Squeeze!" I expected a proclamation that I was muscle-bound.

Instead, she said, "That feels like pudding in a Target sack."

Back to the drawing board, or perhaps the weight room.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BEANS OF ISIS?

Oh, those TV closed caption transcribers. They are weirdoes.

Today I saw a man being interviewed on national TV. The caption strip quoted him as warning us of "the rice of ISIS."

So next are they going to throw rice at us, like we're the bride and groom?!?

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR LOVE LIFE?

Some friends went to a party with several other families. Many of them have young-adult kids who grew up together and stayed friends.

Because it had been a while since everyone had gotten together, the hosts arranged to have different colored armbands out on the welcome table, as an ice-breaker.

If you were in a red-hot relationship, you would wear a red armband.

If you were kind of, sort of, on the lookout for someone to date, you would wear purple.

If you were enjoying many friendships, you would wear yellow.

If you had been married for a long, long time, you would wear black.

My friend's son, a college senior, told his mom that if there would have been brown armbands, that's the color he would have chosen.

She asked why.

"Because my love life is in the crapper!" he retorted.

(He is a hunk, and very sweet, but he says he always "gets stuck" in the friendship phase of relationships, and he would like to move into that red armband brigade! So hey, girls -- go get 'im!)

LIVE LONG, AND PROSPER

Who's sad about Leonard Nimoy passing away? I am. I adored him.

Learned this fun fact about the unique hand signal that came to be known as the Vulcan greeting on "Star Trek." Turns out Nimoy, who was Jewish, saw some rabbis use that signal as they blessed the congregation. The wording sounds just like the end-of-worship blessing you can hear in countless Protestant churches. No doubt the Protestants copied the Jews in that lovely tribute.

Here's a glance at Mr. Nimoy's neat personality:

http://tabletmag.com/scroll/189323/leonard-nimoy-on-spock-yiddish-theater-and-the-vulcan-symbols-jewish-inspiration

Shalom, and RIP, good man.

HAS ME CHANNELING MY INNER SHARI LEWIS

DANGEROUS CONTENTS

Took a box with the CD's of the first two seasons of the hit TV series, "Downton Abbey," to the post office. A dear friend and neighbor has moved to Montana and is getting a tiny bit stir crazy in the long winter months.

This engaging show about the British aristocracy should hit the spot. In fact, it is so good that the resident teenager and I have binge-watched it, several hours at a time, on several occasions. It's addictive!

So when the post office clerk asked if the box contained anything fragile, liquid, perishable, etc., I had to answer "yes" to the last one:

Is there anything "hazardous" inside?

Yes! If you get hooked on "Downton Abbey," it can be "hazardous" to your dusting, cooking, laundry, vacuuming, dog-walking, shoveling, grocery-shopping . . . you get the idea.

And do any of us fans care?

As the Brits say: not a bit of it!

SWINE DINING: BET THEY WERE BACON A CAKE THERE, TOO

The huzzbun felt very safe at lunch today. He and his little friends went to a hole-in-the-wall reputed to have fantastic pork barbecue. It did not disappoint. Neither did the name of the joint: "Swine Dining."

What made it even better was that, after they got seated, in burst about 20 law enforcement officers, in black from head to toe, with their firearms and holsters in plain sight.

At first, my Beloved thought maybe there had been a heist and they were there to investigate. But no. There's a firing range not far from there, and apparently they were dropping in for lunch after target practice.

Shortly thereafter, here came a bunch of Air Force guys, in uniform, from the nearby base.

The two groups practically filled up the small restaurant. And as the "civilians" finished their lunch, they speculated that, if some bad guys really did come in at that moment and stick up the place . . . they would be shot 450 times by the well-armed customers. Hence, a feeling of peace and safety in which to eat barbecue.

Our daughter put the cherry on top. "You said the place was called 'Swine Dining,' Dad?" she asked. "And these were . . . cops?!?"

MAKE THEM LOOK AT A PHOTO OF YOUR WHAT?!?

A Jewish friend of mine wrote this funny post on Facebook:

An open plea to the Kardashian-Jenner clan. Enough is enough. I do not need another picture of Kim's FAT Tush. I don't care who the other sisters are having babies with. If Bruce wants to transgender, bless his/her heart, but I have no interest. If the little Jenner wants to model topless, fine, but I don't need to see it. If the Kardashian-Jenner family does not cease and desist immediately I will be forced to start sending them photos of my life starting with my "bris" (circumcision for the non-Jewish readers).

WHOA! But it could work.

PERFECT VIDEO FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

http://safeshare.tv/w/sLtCVDmZnm

THE SENIOR BREAKFAST FLAKE

My mom's Lut'eran church was having a food drive to help the local pantries and homeless shelters. They wanted people to bring in cereal to donate.

To make it fun, they devised a competition. They divided the congregation alphabetically into two teams. Last names that started with A-L were called "The Flakes." Last names with M-Z were "The Puffs."

On the designated Sunday, you were supposed to bring in your cereal boxes in sacks, to be weighed. Then the team with the most pounds would be the winners.

Well, my mom came in with two big sacks with the tops of cereal boxes peeking out. She declared that, since she had been a flake all her life, she was joining the Puffs team that day. That got a laugh.

THEN in front of everybody the moderator picked up her sacks of cereal boxes -- but could barely lift them!

She had tucked several BRICKS into the bottom of the sack!!!

If only they had confession and penance in the Lut'eran church!

Bigtime Busted at the Dairy Queen

This morning, my friend and I joined a challenging spinning class at our workout place. She has done triathlons, but this high-level fitness stationary bicycling was new to me. I was a little nervous about whether I would fall off, get my foot stuck, have a heart attack, etc. I was feeling particularly weak because I've been strictly dieting, too. Carrot and celery sticks do not a muscle powerhouse make.

Before it began, I ran into an old friend outside the class. She was headed over to the weight machines. She said that she was working out intensively in preparation for a big treat coming up for her 60th birthday. She and her husband were going to join a group that was going to bike ride across Europe!

Wow! Talk about fitness! What a superstar! I was very proud of her, but secretly chagrined at my own sloth, pudge, and lack of discipline and commitment.

But time heals all wounds. My Beloved came home and said that he ran into her at the Dairy Queen this afternoon, porking out with delicious ice cream and all the fixin's!

BUSTED! HER COVER STORY BROKE AN AXLE! AND IT FEELS SO GOOD!

Cooling? Warming? Cooling? Warming? Make Up Your Mind!

The switch among scientists from Chicken Little warnings about global cooling, to Chicken Little warnings about global warming, and now back again, makes for a lot of confusion and also wry humor.

A friend reports that a time and temperature sign in the heart of the city at 90th and Dodge Streets this morning showed the rush-hour temperature as:

-196 F

With tongue firmly in cheek, he asks, "Is that some kind of a record?"

Another pundit quipped: "See? I knew Obama would conquer global warming."

A HORNBLOWER BLOWS IT

The resident teenage musician has been saddled with a kiddie-quality starter trumpet for more than three years. Substandard! A big competition was coming up.

So Mom caved, and took her to the music store to buy a new one. It's pro quality! It's shiny! The grin that spread over her face after playing the first few notes was all I needed to see.

So, though I winced at the price, I quickly wrote the check. Maddy took hold of the beautiful new trumpet in its beautiful case, and we whirled around to the car to rush home so she could play it to her heart's content.

All the way home, we laughed and talked . . . 'til we got to the garage, and realized we had left Maddy's coat at the music store! Not only that, but her precious PHONE was in the pocket!

At 14, she's all about the Three T's: Trumpet, Tennis and Texting. So, embarrassed, we rushed back.

"Happens all the time," the nice music guy said. "At Christmastime, a dad was so excited about his son's new trombone that he raced out and got all the way home before he realized that he had left the trombone here at the store . . . along with his credit card!"

Hey! Not to . . . blow my own horn. But at least I got THAT part right!

BRIAN WILLIAMS' NIGHTLY NEWS SCRIPT!

Archaeologists have unearthed about 100 stone tablets that document the time the ancient Jews spent in captivity in what is now Iraq under pagan King Nebuchadnezzar.

Amazingly, they found the transcript of a Brian Williams NBC news report among the artifacts!

http://christiannews.net/2015/02/09/ancient-tablets-confirm-biblical-account-of-jewish-exile-in-nebuchadnezzars-babylon/

WEDDING SURPRISES: TO HAVE, TO HOLD, AND TO . . . UH OH

Went to a fun party tonight and was regaled with stories of wedding snafus suffered by other parents of recent brides and grooms. Even the most intense perfectionist can never, ever pull off a wedding and reception without surprises. It's the stuff that goes wrong that makes them so much fun.

One dignified doctor set up a wonderland of drapey fabric from tall cottonwood trees at her daughter's riverside ceremony site. It was 92 degrees out, but wasn't too bad because of the lovely river drifting by. That is, until the climax of the wedding ceremony . . . when about a dozen drunken TUBERS with loud music and many coolers in evidence drifted right by the scene . . . and yelled up at the wedding party and guests . . . and one young woman lifted her blouse. It actually MADE the event for most people, and certainly was a memorable scene.

Another man had just bought a 40-acre wooded spread intended as his retirement home near a major city in Texas. He completed a 100' x 50' building on the land that his daughter declared would make the perfect reception site. The metal walls were draped with white fabric and they even brought in chandeliers. They decorated it so beautifully, one would never guess that there was a tractor, a shredder, farm implements and all kinds of un-gorgeous stuff right on the other side of the drapes. Even though it also was 92 degrees out, with no air conditioning, everything went fine . . . except that, despite being on a huge wooded property, the father of the bride forgot to cut wood for the fire pit. So hundreds of s'mores went uncooked (not a major tragedy; they are still eating Hershey bars at snack time!), and a giant thunderstorm boiled up from the prairie headed their way, threatening to dump one or two inches of rain on the outdoor ceremony. Almost miraculously, the storm split in two when it was a few miles off, and no rain fell on the wedding parade PLUS the temperature dropped by 20 degrees.

And they all lived happily ever after!

Mom Flaunts Her Hanky Panky

My mom, 85, is funny. She is hosting a party to celebrate her kitchen remodeling. She invited friends and neighbors to "come over for wine and hanky panky."

You should note that "hanky panky" is a hot hors d'oeuvre of hamburger, sausage and melted cheese on mini rye bread. Luckily, they know her well enough to figure out it was a joke.

The invitation reads: "The flaunting starts at 6." :>)

The Principal and the "Principle" of Always Proofreading

We love our middle-school principal. He does fun things like dress up as Batman for the last band concert. He "chased" a popular teacher dressed up as the Joker all over the gym while the kids played the Batman theme song. His heart is certainly in the right place, and that's almost all that matters in that job!

Almost:

1) He sent out a congratulatory letter since our daughter has received the President's Education Award. It signifies that she has earned a GPA of 3.5 or higher. However, he wrote that this was "dubious recognition." Ow! Has the President's over-standardization and dumbing down of Common Core gone THAT far, as to make academic excellence "dubious"?!?

2) We are invited to a reception honoring students receiving this "dubious recognition." One place on the letter says it starts at 7 a.m. Another place says 7:15 a.m. We'll shoot for 7:07:30.

3) For breakfast, the invitation proclaims, they will serve "roles" and coffees. Gee: should I play the role of a fairy godmother? A villain? Or a long-suffering parent and taxpayer who is tolerant of boo-boo's over and over again from our public school employees, but feeling more and more "dubious". . . .

OBAMACARE MAY BE MAKING US
MORE DEPENDENT ON OUR EMPLOYERS
FOR HEALTH CARE . . .
BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS

The receptionist at our tennis place was telling us a funny story. It had to do with something that had happened at the workplace. Then he made a bit of a Freudian slip.

He said, "I couldn't wait to tell my owner. . . ."

Our eyebrows raised.

He quickly corrected, "I mean, my BOSS, the owner of this place."

Too late. Couldn't shake the image of him down on all fours, panting obediently and trotting along, connected by a collar and a leash to the nice lady who owns the tennis facility.

We will gleefully . . . dog . . . him about that for a long time to come.

CHRISTMAS WRAPPING BY CANDLELIGHT -- AHH, THE QUAINT DELIGHTS OF THE SEASON -- NOT!

If my loved ones wonder why they are getting a pink ribbon on their package wrapped with green and black wrapping paper, the answer is a major blizzard-related power outage at our house today.

It lasted from O Dark Thirty until 8:30 p.m. Yes, it got cold, but compared to what people have gone through lately in Hurricane Sandy and other disasters, it wasn't that big of a deal.

I had dozens of presents to wrap, and this afternoon had to be "it." So I brought downstairs three candles, one lantern, and several flashlights to the faithful pingpong table that has been Wrap Central for 25 years. Like a determined prairie woman improvising out of necessity, I wrapped all afternoon in the semi-darkness. It was kind of fun, and definitely a first. I amused myself by making up silly new lyrics to my favorite Christmas carols: "Yet in thy dark basement shineth the everlasting Light. . . ."

BORED AT THE AIRPORT

DOGMATIC, BUT MEOW-VELOUS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbycvPwr1Wg

DEVIL DOG, DOCUMENTED

She ate a hole in the living room carpet, chewed two chair legs on my favorite Queen Anne, and terrorizes our older dog by running up behind her and thrusting her snout between her legs to hoist her onto her back.

DEVIL DOG!



Her rambunctiousness has even affected her big sister, Sunny Bone-O, otherwise the meekest, mildest dog on the planet.

But we love Maisy, who we call "Mai Mai," and enjoy doing that even more now that we know that means "little sister" in Chinese. Wonder how they say "Devil Dog"? Probably "Mai Mai," also.

THANKS AND PRAISE FOR THE ONE WHO WOULD NEVER 'UNFRIEND' YOU!

Happy Thanksgiving, you adorable turkey!!! :>)

Wishing you a delightful day focused on friends, family, food

and the Giver of all of the above!



SOMETHING NEW TO BE THANKFUL FOR

I was telling my dear friend how much I wanted everything to be really nice this Thanksgiving weekend, with the whole gang home for a rare treat. As busy as our young adults are, we only get one or two weekends a year with our whole family of nine together. I wanted them to make beautiful memories and remember the sights, sounds, tastes and smells of our home at its very best.

But there was one snag in this dream: our two Labradors, Sunny Bone-O and Maisy Mayhem. In the evening, they love to lay at our feet just as their dinners are digesting and . . . well . . . nature takes its aromatic course. Ewwww!!!!! Major buzz kill.

The culprits . . . last weekend, awaiting a hunting trip.

By habit, they leap into the car the minute they see the

camo stuff coming out so they won't be left behind.

But my wise friend to the rescue. "Don't you know about doggie fart pills?" she demanded. "Go get some at PetCo."

How far I've fallen! I used to get excited about the prospect of diamonds and pearls, a trip to Monte Carlo, a new Ferrari . . . but now the brightest star in my constellation of hope and enchantment is to know about doggie fart pills.

Oh, well: takes all kinds of blessings to make a happy and memorable Thanksgiving. And I'm already plotting how to sneak a few pills into my Beloved's milk to make our peace and contentment complete.

LONG LIVE TWINKIES!

In the wake of all the Hostess Ho-Ho hubbub, I was telling my dear friend about a nutrition speech I once attended. The speaker, a physician, listed the 10 biggest food no-no's. Of course, I was a "perp" in all 10 of them. I think he wanted us to eat nothing but seaweed burgers on kelp bread with a side of crunchy, natural crickets' legs, or some such ickiness.

One of his no-no's did strike home with me, though. It was about the preservatives in many snack foods. Do you REALLY want to put that stuff in your body? He told of cleaning out his garage one day and finding a package of Hostess Twinkies 'way back the corner on a long-forgotten shelf. It had to have been purchased before his nutritional epiphany. By his reckoning, the Twinkies must have been there for more than 20 years. But he could feel through the plastic packaging that the Twinkies were STILL SOFT!

My friend replied drolly, "And his point is . . . .? I'd say that's a pretty spectacular shelf life, the mark of a very good product!!!"

Ewwww! Then again, maybe the company could reinvent itself as a WRINKLE CREAM!!!

SUPER PREPPER -- READY TO SURVIVE FOR 100 YEARS

I've started to think about having a few extra food products on hand for long-term storage, just in case things go South in a bad way.

So I've started looking at expiration dates at the stuff in our (badly named) Lazy Susan. This one, on a can of cooking spray, made me smile. I'm all set for almost 100 years!

CAN A CHRISTIAN BE A DEMOCRAT?

A friend snapped this photo of a large sign in south Lincoln on the heavily traveled Saltillo Road at 21st Street:



It's on a shared road between two businesses. A spokesman for one of them said that his company didn't put up the sign and he doubted the other business put it up. He said he believes a farmer who also shares the road, and has put up pro-life signs in the past, put up the sign. The farmer couldn't be reached for comment.

The sign is apparently in response to the Democratic National Committee platform mandating that tax dollars pay for abortion and contraception. In some people's minds, abortion conflicts with the Bible's Sixth Commandment, Thou shalt not kill (Ex. 20:13). So if you're a Democrat, the thinking goes, you are violating the Bible, which Christ instructed people to obey.

In other people's minds, this sign is the height of intolerance, attempting to use a religious threat to influence political views and, most probably, votes.

So . . . what do YOU think?

NEBRASKA MEDICAID RECIPIENTS COULD FILL MEMORIAL STADIUM THREE TIMES OVER

Go Big Red Ink! As we focus on Saturday night's big game, Nebraska vs. Michigan, and also on the upcoming elections, consider the impact of the longtime weak economy on the cost of taxpayer-provided services such as Medicaid.

Joblessness, high prices and high taxes create more need for health care for low-income kids and adults, blind and disabled people, and the aged, when they can no longer care for themselves. The economy's stress shows most of all in statistics like Medicaid.

So get this: there are 235,354 Nebraskans receiving Medicaid benefits, according to the 2011 annual Medicaid report of the Nebraska Department of Health and Human Services.

Think about it: Medicaid recipients would just about fill our gargantuan Memorial Stadium three times over.



For many years, everybody has giggled about the fact that, when the Huskers are playing at home, Memorial Stadium becomes the third-largest "city" in Nebraska, after Omaha and Lincoln.

Well, if the economy continues southward, and Medicaid numbers go up just a few ticks, the Medicaid population will outstrip Lincoln (258,379 in the 2010 Census).

Let's huddle -- taxpayers, politicians, bureaucrats, medical leaders. Let's elect political quarterbacks who can call new plays to turn this situation around. Let's get our economy back on track so we can all go, fight, win.

CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE EWING IS MISSING A GOLDEN OP

Why didn't John Ewing's campaign committee realize that the Omahan looks a lot like Dennis Haysbert, the State Farm ad guy, who played President Palmer in the hit series "24"?

Democrat Ewing, the Douglas County Treasurer, is challenging incumbent Republican Lee Terry for the 2nd Congressional seat.

It would've made a great campaign ad to have Ewing question a few of Terry's policies and then finish up with a dramatic, "Are you in good hands?"

Or push the "24" connection. If a Democrat can't ride the real President's coattails to victory this time, maybe a TV President will do.

Which is which?

A THREE-HOODIE EXPERIENCE

Last time our beloved Nebraska Cornhuskers played football, they did great in the first quarter, and then folded like a cardboard suitcase and lost to Ohio State by a whopping margin.

Turns out someone I know and love had her grandkids to a Burger King during that game, babysitting. She set them up with their burgers, fries and drinks right by the playground equipment. They commenced to dine. After a few minutes, she hopped up to go get another little cup of ketchup . . .

. . . and when she came back, the 4-year-old grandson was beet red and breathing hard . . .

. . . and as he began to retch, she hurriedly looked around for something to catch "it," and grabbed the hood of his hoodie . . .

. . . but after the first onslaught, he started to retch again, so she grabbed her granddaughter's hoodie . . .

. . . and then, third time's the charm, he retched once again, and the only thing left was HER hoodie . . . making for a rather unpleasant drive home, straight to the washing machine.

So it was a Three-Hoodie Experience, both for Grandma at the Burger King, and for us Cornhusker football fans, that night.

Here's hoping this weekend is a little better for us!

SPELL-CHECK CUISINE

A friend was trying to look up a recipe for "tostadas" but the spell-check mechanism on her computer kept changing it to "asbestos."

Ay, carumba! But her friends put her at ease, saying things like, "It just takes a lot of dip to make it taste good that way," and "Use a circular saw to cut your tortilla disks, and be sure to wear a mask."

I can relate. If I had a dime for every time someone said my meatloaf slices would make nice brick pavers. . . .

THE PUTT-PUTT ADVANTAGE

My favorite girl golfer hit her drive on a par 4 recently. But it happened to bounce down the cart path a lot farther than it would have rolled on the grass.

It bounced and ran downhill for a while, still on the cart path, picking up steam.

Finally, it struck the curb of the cart path and careened right onto the green. She was putting for eagle!

Ironically, she 3-putted from there. She still bogeyed the hole. But boy, it was fun to see the kind of structure that usually guides your ball toward the hole in mini-golf work to her advantage in the real thing!

I . . . KNOW . . . NOTHINK!

Did you see and hear that whole shelf of little mummies, ghosts, skeletons, witches and creepy crawlies at WalMart, mysteriously jiggling and dancing and making a lot of noise?

Maddy and I don't know a thing about it. :>)

SO MUCH EASIER TO RHYME THAN 'MULLET'

Made a collage today of newspaper photos and headline words all about the University of Nebraska football team. Sent it to a beloved young person who's stationed with the military overseas. He's missing all the action of the games, so hope this poster will cheer him up:

Favorite spot: in all different fonts, sizes and colors, I cut out letters to spell out"THROW TO THE FRO" -- a reference to wide receiver Kenny Bell. His Afro hairdo is cooped up and controlled inside his football helmet. But when he takes off his helmet, that 'fro is so big that it shades the entire South stadium.

Bell is a bell-ringer of a player for his team. That slogan is catchy! Hope it rings the chimes of that faraway football fan. His mission right now is much more serious than a football player's, but he loves that game and that team with all his heart. For his military service on our behalf, to us, he is also a . . . BIGWIG!!!

MAN BABIES

These are odd and disturbing, which is why I like them:

www.manbabies.com

A DIFFERENT KIND OF PODCASTING

The Bible speaks of "the day of the locusts." Well, it's the time of year of the locusts around here -- honey locust trees, that is. They're shedding their big, distinctive pods, bigtime.

We just drove under a shower of the brown pods falling from trees because of high winds. Apparently, one of them got stuck somehow in the undercarriage of my Mini Cooper. It was kind of like a playing card clothespinned onto bike spokes.

It was rattling around and making so much noise that I quipped, "We're PODCASTING!"

At the stop sign, we went five feet in reverse, and it fell out, no worse for wear. Didn't even say "Pod-on me." :>)

AT LAST! SOMEONE IN NEBRASKA WHO CAN TACKLE!

Not to diminish the poor lady's injuries, but . . . did you hear about the woman who sued the University of Nebraska after she had been tackled so hard by one or two other women at a ladies' "Intro to Football" event that her earrings flew off and she bonked her head, hard?

http://www.omaha.com/article/20120905/BIGRED/309059787

Heyyyyy! The Nebraska Cornhuskers could USE some strong tacklers. Our defenders sure didn't even come close to making any UCLA players' earrings fly off last weekend.

Maybe they should be recruiting at ladies' events like this, in the future. Gulp! :>)

IN FOOTBALL, AS IN LIFE, TIMING IS EVERYTHING

Wonder if it was just a coincidence, or a wise media buy:

Did you hear the ad for "suicide prevention" during the brutal post-game show on radio station KFAB, which covers Nebraska football, after the UCLA Bruins unexpectedly won, 36-30, dashing the high hopes of the long-suffering Nebraska fans?

If it was deliberate, then someone's wasting talents in the marketing business and should get involved in Vegas, STAT.

WHEN AN 'F' IS A GOOD GRADE

A man told an inspiring story in church today. He told how his life had come back together again, better than ever, after he went through a series of terrible things: a couple of deaths, job loss, home loss, divorce, and on and on.

He said the turning point was when he was in counseling with a minister, and confessed that he felt like he had a big "F" on his forehead -- "F" for "Failure."

But the minister corrected: "No, it's 'F' for 'Forgiven'!"

I was telling Maddy about it when she quickly interjected:

"Or 'F' for 'Effort'!"

Oh, these kids today . . . though I think a good self-image comes from that, too, and I think her humor made the Master smile a little bit.

AN ODD REFLECTION
ON 'WHAT ARE THE ODDS'?

This weird friend of mine had this observation:

"Wow! Almost lost my wife, my kids, and everything, due to my gambling addiction. Fortunately, I won them back on the next hand."

Sigh. Is that guy sane? Think that's a bad bet.

SWEEEEET ADVICE
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT

Quoting my wise old friend:

"Sometimes you just have to eat a whole pie by yourself in order to show young people what's possible."

Strike that. Wise-GUY old friend. :>)

WAR OF THE WORLDS MOVIE,
BAD COLD COLLIDE

Bad coincidence last night:



The 1953 classic movie, "War of the Worlds," was on TV, and the man of the house had come down with a terrible chest cold.

"I'll get the vaporizer," I said.

Our daughter cringed. On the TV screen, "horrible" aliens were vaporizing defenseless human beings! "I mean, the humidifier," I quickly corrected. It's true that you have to ATTACK a cold . . . but not quite like THAT!

PRESIDENTS DAY SALE
HAS AMAZING OUTCOME

Quoting a friend:

"I took advantage of a great Presidents Day sale at the car lot. I got a new car for my husband. I was surprised they would give me that much for him."

Ba-boom CRASH!

ASKING AN 11-YEAR-OLD
TO JOIN THE AARP? AARP!!!

We're in mourning. Dori, our 6-year-old guinea pig, passed away unexpectedly last week. My Beloved was able to prepare the grave and bury the deceased under the big pine trees in the back yard before the 8" snowstorm. But there were still some tender emotions in the house.

Then Maddy, 11, came in with the mail. She was excited. She had gotten a letter! Well, what do you know: the American Association of Retired Persons was inviting her to join, and apply for a $50,000 group life insurance policy through New York Life.

"Listen!" Maddy exclaimed, reading the form letter aloud. "Life insurance can help your family with living expenses . . . or help pay bills you may leave behind, including medical costs, credit cards, loan balances, AND FUNERAL COSTS."

She looked up. "How did they find out about Dori?!?"

Oh, this junk mail . . . it will be the death of us all.

WHO KNEW? TOM HANKS' DAD
IS FAMOUS, TOO

Love this song. Love it more, now that I know that actor Tom Hanks' father is the lead singer! In the middle of this clip, he stands in profile and you can just SEE the resemblance. It's fun. Enjoy:

http://www.flixxy.com/the-diamonds-little-darlin-1957-2004..htm

KIDS RESIST GOING GREEN
WHEN IT'S VEGETABLES

A friend's 5-year-old son cracks me up. He told his mom that he HATED green beans, but ate them because he wanted her to be impressed.

Reminds me of Maddy at about that age. We tried to introduce her to artichokes. We oohed and ahhed as our teeth stripped the goodness off each artichoke leaf, exaggerating the delicious taste.

She sat there the whole time with a black unibrow, scowling at us ever more, the harder we tried to entice her into trying just one little bite.

Finally, she muttered, "That is NOT happening!"

FLIPPING HIM THE (BIRD) STARE
DOESN'T BRING IT BACK

What? You ate the last Girl Scout cookie?!?

KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS,
PART II

Yesterday's volunteer trip into the wilds of a day-care center by middle-schoolers acting as reading mentors had many moments of comedy. Here's another one:

Maddy, age 11, was reading the profound classic, "Mr. Brown Can Moo," to five 3- and 4-year-olds. Halfway through, one of them interrupted her.

"What's your name?" he inquired.

"Maddy. What's yours?"

"I don't know. But he's Mason!" he replied, pointing to the boy next to him.

They are royalty in the Kingdom of Random.

KIDS ASK
THE DARNDEST QUESTIONS

Our middle school service learning club went into a day-care center this afternoon to read Dr. Seuss to the itty bitties. The "Book Buddies" had a great time. They were practically levitating with joy on the way home for how good it felt to give a little of their time to others, though the hour was loud, boisterous and wild, the room smelled faintly of diapers and the carpet underneath them was . . . damp. Ewww!

One sixth-grade girl reported this strange encounter with a 4-year-old, who asked her:

"What's your name?"

"Cassie."

"WHY?"

She was dumbfounded. He must've been in that phase little kids all go through, in which they incessantly ask "why?"

All she could do was laugh . . . and of course, THEN he asked her why she was LAUGHING . . . and she just said it was because the book she was reading them was funny . . . and THEN he asked her WHY. . . .

T.G.I.F.!
THAT'S MADDY, AT RIGHT, WITH
HER GOOD FRIEND. NEVER A DULL TWEENER MOMENT!

THE BRITS ARE BLOODY FUNNY;
WANT ADS DON'T WANT FOR HUMOR

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!



FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.



FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.



COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.



JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.



WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.



**** And the WINNER is... ****



FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

THOSE MUG MAKERS NEED TO K.I.S.S.:
KEEP IT SIMPLE, SILLY

A buddy of mine got a new coffee mug from somewhere. He finally realized the irony of the printing on this mug.

It reads:

SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY

For some amount of time, he has been drinking his coffee out of that mug, and it never dawned on him 'til yesterday that the mug itself is hypocritical.

If you were REALLY trying to exhort people to simplify, you would only have that word on there ONCE. So what was their point by having it twice -- that when you TRY to simplify your life, you invariably end up COMPLICATING it more?

It's enough to mess with your mind. Gimme that mug. I NEED A DRINK!

MICRO-MINI KANGAROO:
AND YOU THOUGHT KIDS WERE HYPER

Here's a couple of jerboas -- cute little desert rodents. They're moving around faster than my eye can watch. Reminds me of kids getting ready for school in the morning:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7uw5HLMuP0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

CATTY-CAKE, CATTY-CAKE,
MEOW-VELOUS REPARTEE


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3iFhLdWjqc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

HONK IF YOU THINK
THEIR GOOSE IS COOKED

Ah, the weird sights you see out in the community on a sunny day. Guess this driver needed to de-liver a lot of de-coys. Either that, or all these geese went out on the town and were now so stiff and hung over, they piled into the back to sleep it off:

TGIF: BABY ELEPHANT BATH
WITH A MATCHING SONG

This adorable video:

cries out to be watched while listening to this adorable Henry Mancini song, “Baby Elephant Walk”:

http://www.last.fm/music/Henry+Mancini/_/Baby+Elephant+Walk
(note: hit the 30-second preview)

I don't know how to merge them, but sure enjoy them even separately.

Must keep this from Maddy or sure as shootin', she'll start clamoring for a pet baby elephant. We've got enough pooper-scooping around these parts as it is, with two dogs, a cat and a guinea pig.

WHOLE LOT OF GOOD EATS
BUT PUTS A 'WHOLE' IN YOUR WALLET

A very dear friend hosted me for lunch at her house today, and served gorgeous, yummy selections from the Whole Foods market near her home. She loves it and goes there darned near every day.

The salad had super-duper lettuce, kale, pumpkin seeds, and all kinds of organic delights, and there were cold, fat shrimp that I'm sure were raised ethically, multiculturally and cage-free.

The only down side is that, yep, all this excellent, delicious and nutritious stuff costs money.

That's why her husband calls it "Whole Paychecks."

A PROFOUND CASE
OF 'LABRADORICAL DEPRESSION'

Yesterday's weather was beautiful. Aha! A chance to finally, finally plant those fat, quality spring bulbs that I ordered last October. Our daughter had planted some in her fiance's yard, and my favorite preschool planted more, but I still had probably $30 or $40 worth in the garage that I never got around to getting under a soil blanket last fall.

Garden Procrastination Queen that I am, I've done this before, and knew they'd come up if I could get them in the ground before a hard freeze. And one was a'comin'.

So out I went to the garden, with bulbs, bone meal and some quality compost:

Just a couple of hours later, I ventured outside again . . . and found that a mini-mountain of fresh dirt and scattered bulbs were all over the driveway!

That renegade 1-year-old Labrador retriever, Maisy "Mayhem" Williams!!!

I ranted and raved . . . but this is not the first time she has done this. Ah should've knowed better.

Oh, well. Always wanted to try "forcing" bulbs. Now's my chance!

And who could stay mad at this face for long:

GOOD THING
DOGS ARE BONEHEADS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9UQSUHHdtA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

MYSTERIOUS TV SCREEN
PROMPTS CHEESY RETORT

We got a snazzy new TV and accessories for Christmas. My Beloved and daughter worked with the delivery people to set it all up. Because I am Madame Untechie, I had never so much as turned it on over the holidays. Guess what? Today's TV's are more complicated than a nuclear power station's operational protocol. Finally, yesterday, I tried to turn it on, with our daughter's help.

The opening screen looked something like this:

"Hmm. That looks like the inside of a piano," I ventured.

"What did you THINK it was, a HAMBURGER?" our 11-year-old retorted.

Yes, eventually, I stopped laughing and got the thing turned on. That kid's cheekiness is . . . a whopper.

GOOD THING THEY DIDN'T CONFISCATE
HIS BREADSTICK NUN-CHUCKS, TOO

A 10-year-old boy got in big trouble at school for nibbling his piece of pizza at lunchtime into the shape of a gun, and then pointing it at his classmates:

http://www.infowars.com/boy-disciplined-for-waving-pizza-gun/

My Beloved, on the way out the door to go shoot sporting clays, was philosophical about this latest nonsensical use of "zero tolerance" policies in schools.

He asked, "What ammo was he using? Hamburger, or pepperoni?"

OHHH! SO YOU MEAN
BLIND HAWAIIAN LION PEOPLE!?!

It was nearly dinnertime. Chicken balsamic was sizzling on the grill skillet, and a pot of bowtie pasta was noisily gurgling on the next burner. Maddy called in from the living room with one of those astounding factoids that sixth-graders often toss their parents' way.

"Mom! Did you know Hawaiian people can see their dreams?"

I couldn't quite hear her. "What? Hawaiians? Can't everybody see their dreams?"

"No! Lion people! Lion people can see their dreams!"

Lion people? Like, from some obscure tribe in Africa? "Hunhhh?"

In disgust, she stomped halfway toward me. "B-l-i-n-d people, Mom! BLIND people can see their dreams! They can't see otherwise, but when they dream, they can visualize it."

Ohhhh! She was soooo frustrated . . . but I gave that one reply from the Moms Club that works every time: "That's nice, Dear."

NO FRILLS AIRLINE BIT:
RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU MISS
CAROL BURNETT, HARVEY KORMAN AND TIM CONWAY

It's coming to this, and they knew, decades ago:

http://www.youtube.com/v/QCz8he36hsk%26hl%3den%22

QUITCHER BEEFIN'
'BOUT FOOD PRICES

Rancher friend of a friend reminisced about the days in 1973 when President Nixon put a freeze on beef prices because a corn shortage had led to a beef shortage, and prices were going sky-high.

The market price for an Angus calf at the time of the freeze: 18 cents per pound. That's not a very high sky, compared to today's prices.

Today's market price: $2.06 per pound, which, for a 629-pound heifer calf, comes to $1,295.74.

Zowie! Tend to think that the beef prices we're seeing now aren't ANYTHING like what they're going to be. Yikes! Put things in perspective, all right.

WHAT'S A HOKIE?
WELL . . . IT'S HOKIE

Have been enjoying the Virginia Tech Hokies playing the Michigan Wolverines in the Sugar Bowl tonight. Got to wondering: what is a "Hokie," anyway?

It's a bird, but not a real bird. The word "hokie" was made up by a college student over 110 years ago, when the school changed names from its previous "Virginia Polytechnic Institute," or VPI -- and officials sponsored a cheer contest to build up some school spirit.

But yumpin' yiminy -- the state legislature had named the school the "Virginia Agricultural and Mechanical College and Polytechnic Institute." Imagine cheering for THAT! You'd faint before you could get all the words out.

But a college student named Stull won the $5 top prize for his cheer:


Hoki, Hoki, Hoki, Hy.


Techs, Techs, V.P.I.


Sola-Rex, Sola-Rah.


Polytechs - Vir-gin-ia.


Rae, Ri, V.P.I.


(Later, the phrase "Team! Team! Team!" was added at the end, and an "e" was added to "Hoki," according to the Virginia Tech website.)

SELECT ONE, EITHER/OR:
1. CUTE BABY SLOTHS GETTING A BATH
2. NEBRASKA FOOTBALL TEAM'S BOWL GAME EFFECTIVENESS

http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/bath-time-for-baby-sloths/peqanu5?from=sharepermalink-facebook&cpkey=0e280872-16c5-46dd-b144-86df32a17848%7c%7c%7c%7c

A NEW YEAR'S MESSAGE
TO START OFF 2012 WITH A SMILE

Happy New Year, mate! Fix yourself a spot o' tea and enjoy this delight:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x91rBzNKvlc&NR=1

A BOOMIN' GOOD TIME
TO RING IN THE NEW YEAR

"How real men shoot skeet." I like it!

IN IOWA, THE BODY POLITIC
HAS TAKEN A BEATING

Considering the staffers who've quit the Bachmann campaign in the 11th hour, the roller-coaster polls, and the nasty ads by several of the candidates, our daughter's mispronunciation of the upcoming Presidential primary in Nebraska's neighboring state is probably closer to the truth:

She calls them "the Iowa Carcasses."

CANDIDATE FOR THE
ODDEST CHRISTMAS GIFT?

Our family has a Yankee Swap after Christmas dinner. It features cutthroat competition for some nice, but mostly weird and strange, white elephant gifts. This year's items included a little tweener girl's pink diary that a distinguished 50-something relative could not for the life of him get anybody to swap with him for, a champagne-chocolate-mistletoe combo, and also this objet d'art:

Yes, the snow globe is pictured sideways . . .

to make it easier to see our studly coach with his feline companion.



Who knew that Nebraska football coach Bo Pelini was a cat lover? And that his engaging photo would look so lovely in a dimestore snow globe?

Everyone schemed and swapped valiantly for the obviously Photoshopped prize. Eventually it went to the youngest among us, Husker fan Maddy, age 11.

GRANDMA CAN'T WAIT
TO TRICK BRIDGE CLUB

As usual, everybody's favorite gift under the tree this Christmas was a silly toy. Our youngest got a "Sound Machine," which is a little hand-held box that can play funny sound effects:

Plays 16 humorous sounds, mostly appropriate in all social settings.



http://www.paper-source.com/cgi-bin/paper/item/Sound-Machine/3307.010/439469.html

You know: wild applause, a cannonball, funny laughter, a "boing" sound . . . totally goofy.

Well, Grandma, who is 82, loved it. She wanted one, so we ordered her one. What on earth for? To hold in her lap, under the table, at Bridge Club . . . to "comment" on good and bad bridge plays.

You're never too old for wacky fun!

GET A LUBE JOB FOR YOUR HEART:
MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y'OIL!!!

Best Christmas letter of the season goes to my pal from Dulut', who saw a big yellow sign for "Lube Pro's" with the endearing message:

NOTHING SAYS
MERRY CHRISTMAS
LIKE AN OIL CHANGE

True, that!

See you Monday. Have a wonderful time with those you love best this Christmas weekend.

ADORABLE VIDEO CHRISTMAS CARD
IS CHARMING, MUSICAL AND SWEEEEEEEET

What's more fun than a cup full of singing marshmallows? Nothing I can think of. Our daughter works for a very creative bunch in Kansas City, and naturally, their Christmas card is great fun. She's on the upper left-hand side, sort of at 10 o'clock.

Click on this daily to meet all your Christmas season stress reduction needs . . . and think of Prizm Productions for all your present and future video needs!

http://www.prizmproductions.com/

THE ELVES ARE GETTING STRESSED OUT;
PROCEED WITH CAUTION 'TIL CHRISTMAS DAY

Our daughter had just paid for a car wash and was maneuvering her car into line when another motorist screeched and swerved wildly just to cut in front of her in line.

O . . . K. Luckily, since our daughter was done with finals, she was in a cheery mood, and let it go -- except that the harried driver had meant to cut in front of the OIL CHANGE line instead of the car wash line. So everybody had to stop and back up to let her out, soon after she'd gotten in.

I guess her facial expressions were hilarious.

Then comes my darling little brother, who navigates Boston's crazy traffic every day and had an "incident" today that he can only describe as "different."

Some lady driver got mad at him in traffic . . . and flipped him the bird.

That wouldn't be so unusual, except her finger was wearing A TINY LITTLE SANTA HAT!!!!!

SHE WAS SO HUNGRY,
SHE COULD EAT A HOUSE

My friend's little boy came home with a gingerbread house he made at school today. She put it on the kitchen table, and locked her beautiful Shetland sheepdog on the other side of the gate, thinking she would hang with her new puppies. The mom then dashed to the store.

You guessed it: when she came back, the dog was standing in the middle of the kitchen table, and the plate that *had* the house on it was on the floor licked CLEAN!

Another one of her friends quipped, "That will just give your son something to talk about in counseling someday."

AH, NEWLYWEDS!
DANCIN' IN THE KITCHEN!

A friend's daughter certainly picked a winner for her new husband. The other night, he was standing at the stove cooking hash browns for their dinner. Beyonce was on the stereo. The young wife said that she would make them some coffee. He said, "No, your job is to DANCE!" He then dropped his spoon and twirled her around the kitchen in an impromptu dance to the music.

How romantic!

After 30-some years, I'm afraid my husband would have said, "No, your job is to TOTE THAT BARGE and LIFT THAT BALE!!!" Actually, I can't dance anyway. So no great loss. :>) But it's fun to know that young love and whimsical romance still rule the day in SOME people's households!

COCK-A-DOODLE-HUNHHH???
NEVER HEARD OF THAT TREATMENT

At last night's office Christmas party, there was a really fun line dance going on. So I pulled John, my favorite retiree, out onto the dance floor. We did all the cool moves, including a couple of low squats.

Afterwards, in front of his whole table, including wife Joyce, John said that he had had some special shots into his arthritic knees. He could squat two feet lower now than he could before, without pain.

He said the shots were made of the material that is in rooster combs. He said they work great.

I retorted, "Except that you're waking Joyce up every morning at 5 o'clock, going 'Cock-a-doodle-dooooooo'!!!!"

WHEN WILL YOU EVER SEE A CUTER CARTOON?
WHEN PIGS FLY

Mama said there'd be days like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=FrTbnczYAd4&feature=player_embedded

WHEN THE NEIGHBOR MAN
CAN PULL YOUR LEG, BIGTIME

Years ago, I invested in some truly gorgeous and ridiculously expensive Christmas garlands to decorate our front porch. There's a matching pot topper for our front entry, a large wreath, and a few other pieces. The set has a stylish mix of greenery, wide plaid ribbon, big outdoor red and gold ball ornaments, and lots of special little touches tucked in here and there. There are classy little white lights on everything. It "goes" with our house. I love it. Life is complete.

That is, except for the first two weeks of December every year. That's when I have to "encourage" my Beloved several times to put up all of these ridiculously expensive but truly lovely decorations on our tall front columns. I'd do it myself, but it's too heavy and a little scary. It takes a ladder, some tools, some wiring, and a lot of patience. He is willing to risk life and limb after enough "encouragement." But there usually are a few new non-Christmasy vocabulary words emanating from the front porch during the put-up process. (When he puts up, then, finally, I shut up.)

Well . . . everything would be fine, except he has been bothered for years by the fact that we have about 10 trees in the front yard, and they don't have lights on them at Christmastime.

So this year, WITHOUT ASKING ME (key phrase), he went to Wally World and got a string of ridiculously cheap Christmas lights in all colors. They are strung on a white cord, which is even more garish. And his plan was to put these up in the Japanese snow crabapple tree RIGHT next to the existing ridiculously expensive, traditional, plaid ribboned, WHITE-lighted decorations. Clash, clash, clash.

His ugly lights were no doubt made by enslaved child labor in China. MINE were made right here in town by the finest craftsmen at a local nursery, ensuring American jobs, etc. etc.

By the time I saw what he was doing, though, the colored lights were already half up. We had a vigorous "discussion," and I tried to explain how badly these two decorating styles were going to CLASH, but to no avail. There was no stopping him. The garish, ugly, all-colored, white-stringed lights went up RIGHT next to my beautiful, classy decorations. It looked awful. I was a defeated woman.

I went inside to pout. A few minutes later, I returned outside to find our neighbor man, visiting with my Beloved, beholding the schizophrenic light display.

"Hi, Susan!" he said, in his jolly manner. I was wary, but clueless.

Then he frowned: "WHITE lights?" he intoned, with a high degree of disgust, pointing to my beautiful, ridiculously expensive, white-lighted garlands on the front columns, and then toward the crabapple tree's garish, all-colored display. "You're going to have those ugly old WHITE lights, right next to these beautiful, new COLORED lights?!?!?"

My heart beat once. Then twice.

FINALLY, I got it. He was pulling my leg. He and my Beloved bent over laughing at my confused facial expression. BOK CHOY! UFF DAH!!!

MEN!!! They have no taste . . . and they love to flaunt it.

SANTA'S WORKSHOP
FOR PHYSICS FANS

This fantastic Rube Goldberg-style physics demonstration is actually a Honda ad, and comes from the parts of two hand-assembled Honda Accords.

There's not a bit of computer animation or "fix" -- but it didn't work perfectly 'til the 606th "take" and cost $6 million.

However, from the windpower to the windshield wipers (they are designed to start working as soon as they get wet), you'd have to say it's worth every penny. Santa would approve!

CHRISTMAS PHOTO SHOOTS WITH KIDS:
EVERYBODY NEEDS A SHOT OF SANITY SPRAY

I bow at the feet of a master of comedy. Listen to this grandmother describe her Christmas photo shoot with a daughter-in-law's side of the family:

Because cousin Lillian, 2, was vomiting last Sunday when the (family) was scheduled to have their annual family Christmas photos taken, everything was cancelled. SO, yesterday they gathered at Trev's after church and assigned me to take photos with Jeff's good camera.

For one shot, Jeff and Becky sat on the stairs, with all 6 grandkids (4 boys, 2 girls) on the steps above and below them, while Becky held the littlest, 9 mo old Keelynn Grace.......

As I snapped photos, hoping at least one would be good, the three moms, (Leah, Elisha, Josalynn) were all standing around me, simultaneously coaching their kids, trying to be heard over each others' commands.....it was like a Mideast market place.

"Carson! Look at Mommy! Lillian, sit down!"

"Asher! Get your head out of the railing & look here at Mommy! Mom, Keelynn's head needs to be higher! Asher! Stop that!"

"Landon! Stand up! We can't see you behind Gramma and Grampa! Eli! Look at Mommy! Eli, look here! Landon, stand up, please!"

I just snapped photos......finally, at one oddly quiet moment, when the mommies all took a breath at the same time, 3-yr-old Landon spoke up:


"Wow, this is a lot of WORK!"

FAVE G, GOGS, BOOMPA, TICTAC . . .
AND THE WINNER IS. . . .

Collected quite a few adorable grandparent nicknames over the last couple of days. Here's a website with a lot of great ones:

http://www.grandparents.com/gp/content/activitiesandevents/everyday-activities/article/grandparent-names.html

Have to say that our own family's grandparent names are right up there -- Fave G (short for Favorite Grandma) and Funny Grandpa (born of a hilarious few moments with a jack-in-the-box and a grandchild on his lap), and Gammie and NoNo (our eldest, Jordan, at about age 1 was trying to fiddle with his cigarettes in his shirt pocket -- this was back in the day when "everybody" smoked -- and he gently chided her, "No! No!" -- and of course, it stuck).

But the one I most hope my future grandkids will choose for me is "Honey." That would be . . . sweeeeet.

Also like my world's-youngest-grandma neighbor Sheryl's story. Sheryl's adorable grandson Hunter emulates his grandpa. Grandpa calls her "Sheryl." So Hunter calls her "Sheryl," too. The tiny toddler worships the ground she walks on. He's also slightly confused, but in a darling way.

The other day, Hunter asked, "Sheryl? When I get to be my daddy's age, can you and I go out on a date?"

GREATEST GRANDPARENT NICKNAMES
IN MODERN-DAY HISTORY

Love "Grammie." Love "Oma." Love "Nonee." Love "Nana."

But today, I heard the best grandparent "love names" of all:

Cash and Sugar.

Everything you need in life! I don't care how many years I have to wait. Those, I hope, will be our nicknames. Because you know, with inflation, our future grandchildren are going to definitely need a lot of cash . . . and nobody can ever get enough sugar.

EYE CANDY FOR GEEKS:
WATCH THE GROWTH OF WALMART

Here's my new favorite website, and one of its most popular infographics:

http://projects.flowingdata.com/walmart/

BUT YOU CAN'T SHOUT 'HALLELUJAH!'
IN PUBLIC SCHOOL!

Yesterday, they handed out mid-quarter grades. Maddy saw some fat numbers on hers. When you are trying to be a top student, fat numbers are bad numbers. AAAIIIEEE!!!!

Then the teacher realized that she had switched two envelopes and given two students the wrong reports. Maddy and the kid next to her switched reports to the correct ones. Now Maddy was seeing THIN numbers -- meaning, all 1's and 1+'s.

Out of concern for her neighboring classmate's feelings, she did not leap on her desk, shoot her arms skyward, and shout, "Hallelujah!"

But she felt like it. :>)

ALL THESE YEARS, I'VE CALLED IT
A PLAIN OLD 'FLY SWATTER'

A mini Munchkin on our family tree, age 4, recently lisped that his "gwamma" is really good with the BUG SLAPPER.

Come to think of it, that's a much more descriptive name for it. I have now adopted it as my own.

Thanks, "Bwi-an."

THE CRACK OF THE BAT . . .
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM ABOVE

Maddy's softball game got called off in the middle of the first inning because of lightning, thunderboomers and a sudden shower.

She had just been up, and swung at the first pitch. CRACK! It was a great hit -- hard and low -- and the shortstop couldn't handle it, so Maddy made it to first base easily.

She was sad that the game was called before it really got going, but happy to have a hit.

She said she wishes that RIGHT when she swung at the ball, one of those big thundercracks would have sounded. "Everybody would have thought that was the sound of my bat hitting the ball!" she grinned. "They would have run out onto the field, lifted me up in the air, and carried me around, going 'Woo hoo!!!!!'"

If you could score runs for having a good imagination, she'd be a Hall of Famer for sure.

DOUBLE, DOUBLE
TROUBLE, TROUBLE IN THE BURGER KING LINE

Maddy and her little fifth-grade friends have a new game at recess. It's called "Double, Double."

You square off with a partner, and bump fists (every time you say "double") and either slap the palms of your hands (when you say "this") or the backs of your hands (when you say "that"), in this fast-paced rhythm:

Double, double this, this
Double, double that, that
Double this
Double that
Double double this that

Well, we were waiting in line at the Burger King order window last night, and Maddy was trying to teach it to me. My aging pea brain was not able to get it right until about the fifth try. We were cracking up over my clumsiness, and the car windows were down. Just then, I caught the eye of the mom in the car in the other order lane. She was cracking up, too, and nodded her approval at us.

They call them "teachable moments" -- anytime you can interact with your child and learn something new together. That other mom in the Burger King line was totally on board with what we were doing. It was pretty nice mom-to-mom radar. And no, I still can't QUITE get that game right, but will have fun and keep trying!

HEYYY! WHAT IS THAT PLANT DOING
IN A REPUBLICAN BACK YARD?!?

I was a one-woman S.W.A.T. team in gardening today. I worked from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m., even though it reached 97 degrees, a record for this day in May.

We've had to cut several lower limbs off each tree in a long row of beautiful big pine trees. As a result, the sun gets down to the ground a lot better now, and millions of pesky weeds have sprung up.

As a certified, card-carrying cheapo, I refuse to buy new plants to crowd out the weeds. Instead, I am dividing my already overcrowded existing perennials to take up the new garden space.

So today, I broke apart and moved several huge clumps of day lilies, mums, lamb's ear, columbine and a few other varieties-- hundreds of plants -- into new digs -- literally. Whew! It was work, and I started getting really tired.

I was bending over pulling weeds when suddenly, a GIGANTIC bumblebee buzzed by and lighted on the nearest plant -- a huge bleeding heart shrub.

My dazed mind instantly decided that that plant, identified with "bleeding-heart liberals," has no business in the back yard garden of a proudly conservative member of the GOP.

At that point, I realized that I had had a LITTLE too much sun . . . so I went inside and regained my sanity with a giant glass of iced tea. Actually, bleeding hearts are just about my favorite flower, so I'm glad I realized that I was just a little sun-crazy at that point.

BUCK! BUCK! BUCK! BUCK-KAW!!!!!
STILL CLUCKING OVER THIS MOTHER'S DAY THOUGHT

Had a most lovely Mother's Day, with tender talks, cards and gifts from all my chicks.

Speaking of chicks . . . my "quote a day" book had an outstanding message for Mother's Day. It was unattributed, so don't know who to thank for this:

THE ROOSTER MAY CROW . . . BUT IT'S THE HEN WHO DELIVERS THE GOODS.

Love it! I love men, too -- but this little piece of wisdom is Grade A.

SOMETIMES IT'S YOUR BELOVED,
BUT SOMETIMES IT'S YOU

We were taking a lovely spring walk when my husband looked over at a house, pondered for a second, and then said:

"Pods! What a good idea!"

I looked in that direction. There was a tree there with brown seed pods hanging down. Uhhh . . . was my husband complimenting God for the ingenious way that He designed seed pods?!?!?! Gulp. I smiled a bemused smile (translation: "You dork!") and said nothing.

A split-second later, I saw the brightly-colored portable STORAGE SHED that was right next to the tree with the pods. Apparently, they were doing some remodeling and were storing furniture and stuff on site. The brand name on the storage shed: PODS. As in . . .

Ohhhhh! THOSE were the PODS that he thought were such a good idea! THAT'S what he meant!

I was the dork this time. All I can say is . . . POD'n ME!!!!! :>)

KIDS ARE TECHNICALLY MORE ACCURATE
THAN THE MOST HIGH-FALUTIN' ADULT

Got this joke via email and loved it:

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, a minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.


The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

(Do you want that line used at your funeral? Might give your mourners a smile!)

GO, GRANNY, GO, GRANNY,
GO, GRANNY, GO!

When asked by a young patrol officer, "Did you know you were speeding?"  . . .

. . . the 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating:

"Yes, Officer. I was trying to get there before I forgot where I was going!"