DailySusan Humor Blog

WHEN THE NEIGHBOR MAN
CAN PULL YOUR LEG, BIGTIME

Years ago, I invested in some truly gorgeous and ridiculously expensive Christmas garlands to decorate our front porch. There's a matching pot topper for our front entry, a large wreath, and a few other pieces. The set has a stylish mix of greenery, wide plaid ribbon, big outdoor red and gold ball ornaments, and lots of special little touches tucked in here and there. There are classy little white lights on everything. It "goes" with our house. I love it. Life is complete.

That is, except for the first two weeks of December every year. That's when I have to "encourage" my Beloved several times to put up all of these ridiculously expensive but truly lovely decorations on our tall front columns. I'd do it myself, but it's too heavy and a little scary. It takes a ladder, some tools, some wiring, and a lot of patience. He is willing to risk life and limb after enough "encouragement." But there usually are a few new non-Christmasy vocabulary words emanating from the front porch during the put-up process. (When he puts up, then, finally, I shut up.)

Well . . . everything would be fine, except he has been bothered for years by the fact that we have about 10 trees in the front yard, and they don't have lights on them at Christmastime.

So this year, WITHOUT ASKING ME (key phrase), he went to Wally World and got a string of ridiculously cheap Christmas lights in all colors. They are strung on a white cord, which is even more garish. And his plan was to put these up in the Japanese snow crabapple tree RIGHT next to the existing ridiculously expensive, traditional, plaid ribboned, WHITE-lighted decorations. Clash, clash, clash.

His ugly lights were no doubt made by enslaved child labor in China. MINE were made right here in town by the finest craftsmen at a local nursery, ensuring American jobs, etc. etc.

By the time I saw what he was doing, though, the colored lights were already half up. We had a vigorous "discussion," and I tried to explain how badly these two decorating styles were going to CLASH, but to no avail. There was no stopping him. The garish, ugly, all-colored, white-stringed lights went up RIGHT next to my beautiful, classy decorations. It looked awful. I was a defeated woman.

I went inside to pout. A few minutes later, I returned outside to find our neighbor man, visiting with my Beloved, beholding the schizophrenic light display.

"Hi, Susan!" he said, in his jolly manner. I was wary, but clueless.

Then he frowned: "WHITE lights?" he intoned, with a high degree of disgust, pointing to my beautiful, ridiculously expensive, white-lighted garlands on the front columns, and then toward the crabapple tree's garish, all-colored display. "You're going to have those ugly old WHITE lights, right next to these beautiful, new COLORED lights?!?!?"

My heart beat once. Then twice.

FINALLY, I got it. He was pulling my leg. He and my Beloved bent over laughing at my confused facial expression. BOK CHOY! UFF DAH!!!

MEN!!! They have no taste . . . and they love to flaunt it.