HOPE THIS DOESN'T LAND ME
ON YOUR DOPELER RADAR
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational contest, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an a___hole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting lucky.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerative disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate , v.. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
FINALLY, A SENSIBLE SOLUTION
FOR THE ECONOMIC CRISIS
The business section of the St. Petersburg Times asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"
Here's what one reader thought was the best response:
Patriotic retirement: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $3 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.
All that for $120 million, too, vs. the hundreds of billions in Stimulus 1, Stimulus II, Romulus, Remus, TARP, etc. etc. Mama mia!
Don't just smile at the guy's bravado -- elect him President!
FOR THE ECONOMIC CRISIS
The business section of the St. Petersburg Times asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"
Here's what one reader thought was the best response:
Patriotic retirement: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $3 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.
All that for $120 million, too, vs. the hundreds of billions in Stimulus 1, Stimulus II, Romulus, Remus, TARP, etc. etc. Mama mia!
Don't just smile at the guy's bravado -- elect him President!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
THE FLOWER GIRL
DOUBLES AS THE BOUNCER
Maddy, 8, was "camp champ" at tae kwon do last night. Out of 20 kids, she won the tournament. In the finals, she defeated a boy who is three levels, or six months, ahead of her.
Feisty little thing, she is.
She's going to be the flower girl in her eldest sister's wedding in a few weeks. She'll be a vision of girlish charm in yards of white tulle. But if we're smart, we'll have her switch places with one of the ushers. Then if any of those wedding guests becomes unruly. . . .
DOUBLES AS THE BOUNCER
Maddy, 8, was "camp champ" at tae kwon do last night. Out of 20 kids, she won the tournament. In the finals, she defeated a boy who is three levels, or six months, ahead of her.
Feisty little thing, she is.
She's going to be the flower girl in her eldest sister's wedding in a few weeks. She'll be a vision of girlish charm in yards of white tulle. But if we're smart, we'll have her switch places with one of the ushers. Then if any of those wedding guests becomes unruly. . . .
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
WONDER WHAT CHURCHILL
HAD ON HIS 'BUCKET LIST'?
And I don't just mean the cool things he wanted to do before he died. I mean, what would a brilliant statesman like Winston Churchill have been able to cut out of that atrocious, pork-packed, socialistic budget that the Democratic-controlled Congress voted in. He was always against increasing taxes. Smart fellow!
Consider his priceless wisdom:
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity
is like a man standing in a bucket
and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
— Winston Churchill, British statesman (1874-1965)
HAD ON HIS 'BUCKET LIST'?
And I don't just mean the cool things he wanted to do before he died. I mean, what would a brilliant statesman like Winston Churchill have been able to cut out of that atrocious, pork-packed, socialistic budget that the Democratic-controlled Congress voted in. He was always against increasing taxes. Smart fellow!
Consider his priceless wisdom:
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity
is like a man standing in a bucket
and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
— Winston Churchill, British statesman (1874-1965)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
TWO-EYED, NO-HORNED, WARTLESS
PURPLE POTATO EATER?!?
Well, now I've heard everything. I thought I was clever to buy a bunch of bananas at the store. I told the produce clerk I was going to feed them to my daughter, and then cut off a piece of the peel, and make her hold it against a tiny little spot between two of her tiny toes that we think is an emerging wart.
They say the chemicals inside a banana peel will take out a wart and spare you the pain of having one frozen off.
But the produce clerk informed me that a BETTER remedy is to slice a purple potato, and hold THAT against the wartlet.
Her father, in fact, swears by it.
I didn't even KNOW there was such a THING as purple potatoes . . . but I'll try anything once. Actually, I bought a little sack of them in a little purple net, and they're pretty cute and I'm sure very nutritious.
We designated them for wart duty, though, and got started tonight. I'll report back, and if it works, I'll turn in a long, scholarly article about it to the New England Journal of Medicine. Typed up in PURPLE INK, of course.
Just for you purists, here are those lyrics that have been kicking around inside your head this whole time:
Lyrics to Purple People Eater
(By Sheb Wooley; sold 100 million copies; #1 song for 6 weeks in 1958)
Well I saw the thing comin' out of the sky
It had the one long horn, one big eye.
I commenced to shakin' and I said "ooh-eee"
It looks like a purple people eater to me.
It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater.
(One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater)
A one-eyed one-horned, flyin' puple people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (one eye?)
Well he came down to earth and lit in a tree
I said Mr. Purple People Eater don't eat me
I heard him say in a voice so gruff
I wouldn't eat you cuz you're so tough
It was a one-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (one horn?)
I said Mr. Purple People Eater, what's your line?
He said it's eatin' purple people and it sure is fine
But that's not the reason that I came to land
I wanna get a job in a rock and roll band
Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flying purple people eater.
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater
(we wear short shorts) Flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me.
And then he swung from the tree and lit on the ground.
He started to rock, really rockin' around
It was a crazy little ditty with a swingin' tune
(sing aboop boop aboopa lopa lum bam boom)
Well, bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple people eater.
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater.
Flyin' little people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (purple people?)
And then he went on his way, and then what do you know?
I saw him last night on a TV show.
He was blowing it out, a'really knockin' 'em dead
Playin' rock and roll music through the horn in his head (clarinet solo) (Tequila)
PURPLE POTATO EATER?!?
Well, now I've heard everything. I thought I was clever to buy a bunch of bananas at the store. I told the produce clerk I was going to feed them to my daughter, and then cut off a piece of the peel, and make her hold it against a tiny little spot between two of her tiny toes that we think is an emerging wart.
They say the chemicals inside a banana peel will take out a wart and spare you the pain of having one frozen off.
But the produce clerk informed me that a BETTER remedy is to slice a purple potato, and hold THAT against the wartlet.
Her father, in fact, swears by it.
I didn't even KNOW there was such a THING as purple potatoes . . . but I'll try anything once. Actually, I bought a little sack of them in a little purple net, and they're pretty cute and I'm sure very nutritious.
We designated them for wart duty, though, and got started tonight. I'll report back, and if it works, I'll turn in a long, scholarly article about it to the New England Journal of Medicine. Typed up in PURPLE INK, of course.
Just for you purists, here are those lyrics that have been kicking around inside your head this whole time:
Lyrics to Purple People Eater
(By Sheb Wooley; sold 100 million copies; #1 song for 6 weeks in 1958)
Well I saw the thing comin' out of the sky
It had the one long horn, one big eye.
I commenced to shakin' and I said "ooh-eee"
It looks like a purple people eater to me.
It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater.
(One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater)
A one-eyed one-horned, flyin' puple people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (one eye?)
Well he came down to earth and lit in a tree
I said Mr. Purple People Eater don't eat me
I heard him say in a voice so gruff
I wouldn't eat you cuz you're so tough
It was a one-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (one horn?)
I said Mr. Purple People Eater, what's your line?
He said it's eatin' purple people and it sure is fine
But that's not the reason that I came to land
I wanna get a job in a rock and roll band
Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flying purple people eater.
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater
(we wear short shorts) Flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me.
And then he swung from the tree and lit on the ground.
He started to rock, really rockin' around
It was a crazy little ditty with a swingin' tune
(sing aboop boop aboopa lopa lum bam boom)
Well, bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple people eater.
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater.
Flyin' little people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (purple people?)
And then he went on his way, and then what do you know?
I saw him last night on a TV show.
He was blowing it out, a'really knockin' 'em dead
Playin' rock and roll music through the horn in his head (clarinet solo) (Tequila)
Monday, March 09, 2009
PINNED TO THE GROUND
BY A FULL BIN OF __________;
A NOT-SO-SUBTLE METAPHOR
FOR CURRENT STOCK MARKET WOES
We're taking care of two horses these days, Teddy and Dora. It has been cold and muddy lately, so a lot of time passed between thorough stall muckings. The other day, my Beloved and I each filled a big trash bin full of damp, heavy you-know-what. Hard work, but therapeutic as well as decorative for all concerned.
Then he had the nerve to go out of town. So I had to push the tremendously heavy bins to the curb for trash day.
With the first bin, I flung my entire body weight against it to tip it enough to roll it to the curb without too much trouble.
But the second bin must've been more full of . . . well, heavier. I gamely flung myself against it, trying to tip it, but my feet slipped. I fell to the ground and the bin came crashing down on top of me.
Pinned! By a container full of . . . you-know-what!
What a predicament. This . . . stinks.
If I pushed it back up, it might tip over and the smelly contents would be strewn all over our driveway.
If I tried to wriggle away, it would fall to the pavement and I'd never get it back upright again without digging a lot of the smelly contents out first.
Finally, with a mighty shove, I did get it to stand back upright, and left it there for my Beloved to maneuver out to the curb, with his superior muscle power.
My knee got a little wrenched, and I might have a little bruise on my right hip, but overall, I was fine.
Though it hurt a lot to see a carload of people pull out of the neighbor's driveway, all heads craned my way, and the telltale signs of moving jaws indicating that they were not only talking about my predicament, but laughing about it!
BY A FULL BIN OF __________;
A NOT-SO-SUBTLE METAPHOR
FOR CURRENT STOCK MARKET WOES
We're taking care of two horses these days, Teddy and Dora. It has been cold and muddy lately, so a lot of time passed between thorough stall muckings. The other day, my Beloved and I each filled a big trash bin full of damp, heavy you-know-what. Hard work, but therapeutic as well as decorative for all concerned.
Then he had the nerve to go out of town. So I had to push the tremendously heavy bins to the curb for trash day.
With the first bin, I flung my entire body weight against it to tip it enough to roll it to the curb without too much trouble.
But the second bin must've been more full of . . . well, heavier. I gamely flung myself against it, trying to tip it, but my feet slipped. I fell to the ground and the bin came crashing down on top of me.
Pinned! By a container full of . . . you-know-what!
What a predicament. This . . . stinks.
If I pushed it back up, it might tip over and the smelly contents would be strewn all over our driveway.
If I tried to wriggle away, it would fall to the pavement and I'd never get it back upright again without digging a lot of the smelly contents out first.
Finally, with a mighty shove, I did get it to stand back upright, and left it there for my Beloved to maneuver out to the curb, with his superior muscle power.
My knee got a little wrenched, and I might have a little bruise on my right hip, but overall, I was fine.
Though it hurt a lot to see a carload of people pull out of the neighbor's driveway, all heads craned my way, and the telltale signs of moving jaws indicating that they were not only talking about my predicament, but laughing about it!
Friday, March 06, 2009
EVOLUTION MYTH-BUSTER:
SPECTACULAR UNDERSEA LIFE
This octopus has more arms than a high-school boy on a hot date in a dark theater!
I mean, really! Who still believes in biological evolution, not God's specific and purposeful creation, design and direction, when we can observe this amazing diversity of life?
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/206
SPECTACULAR UNDERSEA LIFE
This octopus has more arms than a high-school boy on a hot date in a dark theater!
I mean, really! Who still believes in biological evolution, not God's specific and purposeful creation, design and direction, when we can observe this amazing diversity of life?
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/206
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
MARXISM:
IN LIKE A LION . . .
OUT LIKE A LION!?!
A relative is from Latvia. She tells stories about a fairly nice place to live reduced to a horror by the disastrous consequences of succumbing to Marxism. For instance, she spoke of having to descend 10 flights of stairs from her apartment building to go outside and cook dinner, since there was no electricity and no fuel available under communist rule.
Look on the bright side: all those steps, and paltry dinners, would be good for our diets. BA BUM CRASH!
But enough black humor. Seriously, now, take a look at what Marxism really is, how anti-Christian and anti-Semitic Karl Marx and his ideas really were, and why we need to back away from this monster before it devours us:
http://www.greatcom.org/resources/handbook_of_todays_religions/04chap02/default.htm
IN LIKE A LION . . .
OUT LIKE A LION!?!
A relative is from Latvia. She tells stories about a fairly nice place to live reduced to a horror by the disastrous consequences of succumbing to Marxism. For instance, she spoke of having to descend 10 flights of stairs from her apartment building to go outside and cook dinner, since there was no electricity and no fuel available under communist rule.
Look on the bright side: all those steps, and paltry dinners, would be good for our diets. BA BUM CRASH!
But enough black humor. Seriously, now, take a look at what Marxism really is, how anti-Christian and anti-Semitic Karl Marx and his ideas really were, and why we need to back away from this monster before it devours us:
http://www.greatcom.org/resources/handbook_of_todays_religions/04chap02/default.htm
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
BARRY MANILOW,
WEAPON OF MASS DISPERSION
In the central shopping district of Christchurch, New Zealand, they're piping Barry Manilow songs over the intercom. They hope the soothing tunes of the "King of Love" will either stupefy and pacify the mall-rat teens who congregate there and cause trouble, or drive them elsewhere so that the grownups can shop and do business in peace.
Reportedly, several dozen teens regularly spread trash around, spray-paint graffiti, get drunk, use drugs, cuss, and bother patrons at the outdoor mall.
The more than 400 businesses who have resorted to a musical defense policy are attempting to tell the loitering teens that they "Can, Too, Smile Without You."
WEAPON OF MASS DISPERSION
In the central shopping district of Christchurch, New Zealand, they're piping Barry Manilow songs over the intercom. They hope the soothing tunes of the "King of Love" will either stupefy and pacify the mall-rat teens who congregate there and cause trouble, or drive them elsewhere so that the grownups can shop and do business in peace.
Reportedly, several dozen teens regularly spread trash around, spray-paint graffiti, get drunk, use drugs, cuss, and bother patrons at the outdoor mall.
The more than 400 businesses who have resorted to a musical defense policy are attempting to tell the loitering teens that they "Can, Too, Smile Without You."
Saturday, February 28, 2009
DON'T THEY TEACH RANDOM HUMOR
IN THOSE DRY CITY PLANNING CLASSES?
Maddy, 8, caught sight of the white pedestrian symbol on the electronic crosswalk sign for "GO" changing over to the orange hand meaning "STOP."
That was not elaborate enough for her.
"They need sound effects to get you to pay attention," she proclaimed. "You know: the sound of a truck stopping really fast -- SCREEEEEECH!!! -- when it's 'STOP' . . . and a coach's voice shouting, 'C'mon! Get a move on! Shake a leg! Get over here! Hurry up!' when it's 'GO.'"
We'll just have to wait 'til she's mayor, I guess.
I love it when her stream of consciousness is on "GO" but when my old brain is fried I wish I knew what button to push sometimes to make it "STOP."
IN THOSE DRY CITY PLANNING CLASSES?
Maddy, 8, caught sight of the white pedestrian symbol on the electronic crosswalk sign for "GO" changing over to the orange hand meaning "STOP."
That was not elaborate enough for her.
"They need sound effects to get you to pay attention," she proclaimed. "You know: the sound of a truck stopping really fast -- SCREEEEEECH!!! -- when it's 'STOP' . . . and a coach's voice shouting, 'C'mon! Get a move on! Shake a leg! Get over here! Hurry up!' when it's 'GO.'"
We'll just have to wait 'til she's mayor, I guess.
I love it when her stream of consciousness is on "GO" but when my old brain is fried I wish I knew what button to push sometimes to make it "STOP."
Friday, February 27, 2009
HOT STOCK TIP:
WATCHING THE DOW PLUNGE IS SUCH A GAS
Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding the buying or selling of stocks. But I felt this is important enough to share and to warn you, since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Ewwwwwww! Phhhhhhhhht!!!!
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
American Can
Interstate Water
National Gas Company
Northern Tissue Company.
Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.
Note that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
WATCHING THE DOW PLUNGE IS SUCH A GAS
Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding the buying or selling of stocks. But I felt this is important enough to share and to warn you, since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Ewwwwwww! Phhhhhhhhht!!!!
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
American Can
Interstate Water
National Gas Company
Northern Tissue Company.
Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.
Note that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
CHRISTMAS CORNBALL
What language does Santa Claus speak?
North Polish.
Where does Santa Claus go swimming?
The North Pool.
What kind of motorcycle would Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson.
What is Santa Claus' favorite cereal?
Frosted Flakes.
What do you call Santa when he goes to the beach?
Sandy Claus.
How do Santa and Mrs. Claus travel?
On an icicle built for two.
Some children call him Santa Caus since there is Noel.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a rest from delivering presents?
Santa Pause!
Why will Santa go down your chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.
If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be?
A subordinate Claus.
What would Santa's grandfather be called?
Grandfather Claus.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic!
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho, ho, ho.
What language does Santa Claus speak?
North Polish.
Where does Santa Claus go swimming?
The North Pool.
What kind of motorcycle would Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson.
What is Santa Claus' favorite cereal?
Frosted Flakes.
What do you call Santa when he goes to the beach?
Sandy Claus.
How do Santa and Mrs. Claus travel?
On an icicle built for two.
Some children call him Santa Caus since there is Noel.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a rest from delivering presents?
Santa Pause!
Why will Santa go down your chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.
If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be?
A subordinate Claus.
What would Santa's grandfather be called?
Grandfather Claus.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic!
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho, ho, ho.
Monday, December 01, 2008
IT'S THE FOLLOW-UP QUESTION
THAT GETS YOU, EVERY TIME
Over the weekend, the 8-year-old put me in my place once again. Maddy and I were joking around in front of her older siblings and assorted others. I said something that I thought was fairly humorous, and she retorted:
"Oh, Mom, you're not funny!"
Mock hurt. "I'm not funny?"
Honest reply: "Not when you're TRYING to be."
THAT GETS YOU, EVERY TIME
Over the weekend, the 8-year-old put me in my place once again. Maddy and I were joking around in front of her older siblings and assorted others. I said something that I thought was fairly humorous, and she retorted:
"Oh, Mom, you're not funny!"
Mock hurt. "I'm not funny?"
Honest reply: "Not when you're TRYING to be."
Thursday, November 20, 2008
MARTIAL ARTS
VS. MARITAL ARTS
Dyslexics probably think the martial arts include kissing, negotiating who will do which household chores, and arguing effectively without mentioning those good-for-nuttin' in-laws. But of course, the martial arts are actually about self-defense and fitness, and they're a part of our world now, with Maddy taking classes for the past two months.
The highlight of the interminable tae kwon do awards ceremony tonight, besides seeing Maddy all aglow over her first "promotion," from a white belt to a yellow one, was a little red-headed girl who was called up front to be awarded her black belt. That's a pretty big deal.
She bowed courteously to the crowd and looked solemn as they tied on her new black belt. Then, as her family came onstage to take the mike and wish her well in her big moment, her hands suddenly shot up to her head . . . and whisked off her red headband, revealing a BLACK one!
Then she danced around jubilantly, very little girl-like, and not so samurai-like any more. Her mom said she had been waiting to do that for weeks; it was a plan.
That's martial arts, American style: we've got the chops technically, but the fun is in the pageantry.
VS. MARITAL ARTS
Dyslexics probably think the martial arts include kissing, negotiating who will do which household chores, and arguing effectively without mentioning those good-for-nuttin' in-laws. But of course, the martial arts are actually about self-defense and fitness, and they're a part of our world now, with Maddy taking classes for the past two months.
The highlight of the interminable tae kwon do awards ceremony tonight, besides seeing Maddy all aglow over her first "promotion," from a white belt to a yellow one, was a little red-headed girl who was called up front to be awarded her black belt. That's a pretty big deal.
She bowed courteously to the crowd and looked solemn as they tied on her new black belt. Then, as her family came onstage to take the mike and wish her well in her big moment, her hands suddenly shot up to her head . . . and whisked off her red headband, revealing a BLACK one!
Then she danced around jubilantly, very little girl-like, and not so samurai-like any more. Her mom said she had been waiting to do that for weeks; it was a plan.
That's martial arts, American style: we've got the chops technically, but the fun is in the pageantry.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
A CHURCH FUNNY
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone would like to offer up prayers of thanksgiving.
A lady stood up, came forward and said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation, as she continued, "Every move caused him terrible pain, and we prayed as the doctors performed a series of delicate operations. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as she went on: "Jim is out of the hospital now, and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief, and the pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to offer. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.'"
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone would like to offer up prayers of thanksgiving.
A lady stood up, came forward and said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation, as she continued, "Every move caused him terrible pain, and we prayed as the doctors performed a series of delicate operations. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as she went on: "Jim is out of the hospital now, and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief, and the pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to offer. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.'"
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
FOOTNOTE TO 'CRAZY WORRALL' --
THERE WERE OTHERS!!!
Sunday's story on www.RadiantBeams.org detailed the hilarious practical jokes of a family friend, Dick "Crazy" Worrall. Comes now some of his "victims" who reveal how they got him back:
After the Chicken Delight chicken-tossing incident, two couples put heads together and came up with a revenge plan. First, they placed an ad in the local newspaper as if his house were for sale, listing it, of course, at a ridiculously low price.
Then they bought feather pillows at the second-hand store, and, one dark and stormy night, snuck into Worrall's garage, and filled his beautiful Porsche with feathers.
Next morning, Worrall awoke to find feathers in his car, an ad in the morning paper advertising his house, and "FOR SALE" signs in his front yard. For days, would-be buyers stalked the house and attempted to buy it.
Worrall stomped downtown to the newspaper to demand to know who had placed the false ad. Turns out that's how he discovered the culprit: the beleaguered clerk had just given the prankster's money back for the real estate ad.
It seems the paper had placed the ad in the wrong neighborhood section. It was a less desirable section that didn't draw as many would-be buyers as the pranksters had hoped. So minutes before, the PRANKSTER had stomped downtown to get a refund from the paper, which the clerk gave. Therefore, she was able to describe the prankster to Worrall so that he knew who had done the dirty deeds.
Worrall claimed that until the Fourth of July the next year, every time he braked his car, a feather flew out.
THERE WERE OTHERS!!!
Sunday's story on www.RadiantBeams.org detailed the hilarious practical jokes of a family friend, Dick "Crazy" Worrall. Comes now some of his "victims" who reveal how they got him back:
After the Chicken Delight chicken-tossing incident, two couples put heads together and came up with a revenge plan. First, they placed an ad in the local newspaper as if his house were for sale, listing it, of course, at a ridiculously low price.
Then they bought feather pillows at the second-hand store, and, one dark and stormy night, snuck into Worrall's garage, and filled his beautiful Porsche with feathers.
Next morning, Worrall awoke to find feathers in his car, an ad in the morning paper advertising his house, and "FOR SALE" signs in his front yard. For days, would-be buyers stalked the house and attempted to buy it.
Worrall stomped downtown to the newspaper to demand to know who had placed the false ad. Turns out that's how he discovered the culprit: the beleaguered clerk had just given the prankster's money back for the real estate ad.
It seems the paper had placed the ad in the wrong neighborhood section. It was a less desirable section that didn't draw as many would-be buyers as the pranksters had hoped. So minutes before, the PRANKSTER had stomped downtown to get a refund from the paper, which the clerk gave. Therefore, she was able to describe the prankster to Worrall so that he knew who had done the dirty deeds.
Worrall claimed that until the Fourth of July the next year, every time he braked his car, a feather flew out.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Trickiest Trick-or-Treaters
Come in Pairs
Faves this Halloween:
-- Two late-elementary school girls came to our door as Salt and Pepper. They had matching dimestore gowns with the Pepper one dyed gray, and foil with holes poked in the top for crazy headdresses. Their pillowcases were nearly full of candy; they must have been working for hours. Call them "movers and shakers."
-- Another duo showed up as Laurel & Hardy, one tall and thin, and the other cute and rotund.
-- A married couple went to a party as a cross-dressing Sonny & Cher. The wife said it was really weird to put makeup on her longtime husband. She put it on thick and cheap, she said, and nobody could tell who he was. That, probably, was a good thing.
Come in Pairs
Faves this Halloween:
-- Two late-elementary school girls came to our door as Salt and Pepper. They had matching dimestore gowns with the Pepper one dyed gray, and foil with holes poked in the top for crazy headdresses. Their pillowcases were nearly full of candy; they must have been working for hours. Call them "movers and shakers."
-- Another duo showed up as Laurel & Hardy, one tall and thin, and the other cute and rotund.
-- A married couple went to a party as a cross-dressing Sonny & Cher. The wife said it was really weird to put makeup on her longtime husband. She put it on thick and cheap, she said, and nobody could tell who he was. That, probably, was a good thing.
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