DON'T THEY TEACH RANDOM HUMOR
IN THOSE DRY CITY PLANNING CLASSES?

Maddy, 8, caught sight of the white pedestrian symbol on the electronic crosswalk sign for "GO" changing over to the orange hand meaning "STOP."

That was not elaborate enough for her.

"They need sound effects to get you to pay attention," she proclaimed. "You know: the sound of a truck stopping really fast -- SCREEEEEECH!!! -- when it's 'STOP' . . . and a coach's voice shouting, 'C'mon! Get a move on! Shake a leg! Get over here! Hurry up!' when it's 'GO.'"

We'll just have to wait 'til she's mayor, I guess.

I love it when her stream of consciousness is on "GO" but when my old brain is fried I wish I knew what button to push sometimes to make it "STOP."

THE MIND CONTROL GUYS
ARE COMING AT 11 A.M.

Dave was walking Maddy out to the car to take her to school this morning. I called after him, "Controlled Rain is coming at 11."

Maddy's eyebrows shot up, and she beamed. "Controlled BRAIN?!?"

Yikes! I had just been researching RFID chips yesterday, and learned for the first time that the radio frequencies in those chips are thought to be able to mess with yo' mind, in a covert, neurological kind of way.

But noooooo. Controlled Rain, not Brain, is our sprinkler system company, shutting off our lawn sprinklers for the fall.

The only thing controlling MY brain is the thought of dark chocolate. Ahhhhhh! Like a zombie, a robot, my brain causes me to stagger hypnotically toward the treat drawer. . . .

That Hot, Huh?

Maddy was leaving the first soccer practice of her new team after 90 minutes of strong effort in the hot afternoon sun. In front of all the new teammates and parents, she reported:

“I’m so hot, I’m going to have to have my underwear surgically removed.”

The kid’s got a reputation, all right. Maybe the other teams they play will fall down laughing when she’s around, and she can score!

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PRAYER REQUEST: We praise You, Father, for Trevor’s wonderful, marvelous, outstanding medical checkup regarding his lifelong heart problem, which isn’t such a problem any more thanks to medical intervention and Your tender care. The good news really puts his mother’s mind at ease, and she’s a dear friend who deserves to have her mind at ease. Thank You, Jesus! (Jeremiah 17:14)

Wind Out of My Sails

I was trying to explain to Maddy why no, she COULDN’T go to Build-a-Bear Workshop and get some new clothes and accessories for her koala. The last thing she needs is more “stuff,” I told her.

“We’re going on vacation in northern Minnesota for a whole week, and you’re going to have that huge, blue lake and deep, green forest to play in, and all the wildlife you can imagine, and the Northern Lights, and toasting marshmallows, and going fishing . . . who needs more toys, when you get to go to a LAKE?”

Maddy eyed me shrewdly, trying to make a case for her "need" for new toys:

“Aw, a lake’s just a hole with water in it.”

Nice try. Didn’t work, though I thought about letting her get some cute jammies and shorts outfits from Build-a-Bear Workshop that would fit a REAL Minnesota black bear, if she REALLY wants more excitement in her play time.

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PRAYER REQUEST: Saw an old friend in church who has lost both his mother and his father to very difficult health problems in less than a year, plus has had all the stress of having to organize and sell off all their worldly possessions, comfort his wife and children, stay employed (!), and just manage an incredible amount of stress. Lord, touch Bill with Your mercy and rest, grant him comfort and peace, and make sure he knows that his parents are with You, waiting for the day that they’ll be reunited. (Psalm 9:9)

Where Do They Come Up With These?

I was leaning down to kiss Maddy goodnight, moments after taking a tall swig on my gotta-stay-up-late-tonight coffee mug.

She made a face. Must’ve been my breath.

“AWAY WITH YOUR FILTH!” she commanded.

Think what we could save on the military! The kid could clear terrorists out of an entire country with one toothpaste-scented breath.

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PRAYER REQUEST: It’s hard to see Your perfect timing in the death at age 50 or so of one of my college friends. Karen succumbed to Lou Gehrig’s Disease, leaving a husband and children. Lord, reassure them that what You have for her in heaven is beyond our wildest dreams down here. Bring them to Your lap, comfort them, and teach them of Your never-failing goodness, even in a tragedy like this. (1 Corinthians 2:9)

‘Eyeclops’ Shows Spider, Beard, Etc.

Maddy went to a great little workshop at the library. “Insect Investigators” focused on spiders. The kids went outside to the library’s prairie garden, found a big spider, put it in a see-through container, and then shined a magnifying device called an “Eyeclops” on it. The device was connected to a TV and so every minute detail of the spider’s physique was displayed on the big screen.

Ewww! It was gross! The spider’s fangs were green, and it must’ve been a female, because she had really hairy legs that cried out for eight little disposable razors, pronto.

A computer technician wandered past. The librarian called out to him to come in and join the fun. Next thing you knew, the kids were shining the Eyeclops onto his very bushy beard. You could see every follicle in living color. Ewwwwwww!!!!!

Kids being kids, they then tried everything they could think of: a shoelace, a freckle, an open sore – ewwwww!!!! that one was really gross – and the workshop went a half-hour too long, they were having so much fun, and learning, too.

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PRAYER REQUEST: There’s a guy we know who does not get along very well with his dad. Turns out he didn’t even spend time with his mother on Mother’s Day, even though they live in the same city. Now Father’s Day is coming up, and reportedly he has no plans to get together with his father. As nice as he is, the problem must be mostly the fault of the mom and dad, but Lord, this isn’t right. We pray in one accord for reconciliation and closeness before the parents pass away. Let it begin this coming Father’s Day, Lord. Bring them together, and inspire them to put love first, as we are commanded by our Heavenly Father. (Exodus 20:12)

The Moment They’ll Treasure

Last year, Maddy invited a little girlfriend to come with us on a four-day vacation on Table Rock Lake in southern Missouri. It’s about a seven-hour drive there and back, towing the boat. We stayed in a great condo in a resort right on the lake, with a swimming pool with a waterfall. We went in to Branson for a couple of fabulous shows. We went tubing and swimming and picnicked on the boat. It was a wonderful time.

Well, we’ve let her invite the same little girl again for this summer. Yesterday, Maddy was rhapsodizing about it. She said, “Do you know what we’ll always TREASURE from the trip last year, Mom?”

I thought through all the wonderful (and expensive) things that we did. “No, what?”

“ON THAT TRIP, WE SAW THE FURBERRY AD FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!!”

A “Furberry” is a little furry toy, worth about 15 cents, heavily promoted on TV, and yes, they both got one shortly thereafter. So much for trying to build our children’s memories. . . .

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PRAYER REQUEST: There’s a troubled teenager who ran away from home for four days over Mother’s Day and worried her parents sick. She’s a beautiful girl, but she lacks self-worth. Apparently, she has gotten in with some bad peers and may have gotten involved with drugs. Lord Jesus, send good guiding people into her life, who will teach her about You and how she can rely on Your love. Touch her heart with the certain knowledge of Your love and provision for her. Awaken in her a desire to live a holy and productive life. Her folks have found a good, small, Christian college for her, and we pray that she goes there with a determination to change, stay away from bad influences, use the many gifts You have given her, and get on with a happy life that honors You. (1 John 4:16)

Smear!

Maddy was getting ready to take a shower but made a quick detour into the W.C. (water closet) first. On the way, she had to walk in front of me, buck naked.

She fanned out one hand behind her fanny as she scampered by, and called out: “Smear!”

Hunhhhh?

“You know: like, on America’s Funniest Home Videos, they always have a SMEAR in front of anybody’s . . . well. . . .”

Hmm. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all put a smear in front of anything we don’t want others to see? My laundry pile . . . the dirty dishes . . . the mountains of glunk in my office. . . .

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PRAYER REQUEST: It’s the last day of school! Let’s lift up our teachers for extra-special TLC from You today, Lord. They are so vital to our nation’s future. They need to know that lots of little people – including Maddy, last night – are crying because the school year’s over. That’s a good sign! Jesus, may every teacher enjoy the fruit of his or her deeds, now and always, and have a great summer. (Isaiah 3:10)

Now, THAT Would Be Bad

Maddy didn’t want me to start the shower for her just yet. She issued this dire warning:

“You will be like a leaf on the road to despair.”

O . . . K. Don’t want to go there! She has a style of exaggeration that . . . well . . . LEAVES me laughing.

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PRAYER REQUEST: There’s a mother of five, Kirsten, who is forced to go back to work because of a divorce situation. Her youngest child is very upset. She cries in the car on the way to school, and steps backward into the building, looking mournfully back at her mother as she endures another day of separation. Lord, we mourn along with this family about the terrible ravages of divorce. Grant this beleaguered mother and daughter Your peace and comfort these last few days of school. Favor the mom with a job that pays well and allows her some flexibility to take care of her kids’ needs. Give them assurance and hope that things will be better soon. (Psalm 31:24)

Fire-Breathing Soccer Player

Maddy is having trouble being intimidating on the soccer field. Some of the other second-graders are a head taller. With freckles and a ponytail, she’s not very threatening looking, and sometimes when she kicks the ball, she emits an adorable combination of a grunt and a squeak.

So she has a plan: she is going to stick BABY POWDER into her nostrils next game.

Then, when the time is right, she is going to SNORT IT OUT . . . and make them think it’s SMOKE!!! No doubt they’ll all fall down in a faint, and she’ll get an easy score.

Ah, the things in these young athletes’ heads. . . .

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PRAYER REQUEST: Lord, there’s a very nice older man named Philip who has just discovered he has an aneurysm on his brain, and also has to undergo a tricky surgery on his jaw so that he can open up his mouth wide enough to eat without pain. Father, grant Philip protection, healing and comfort so that he can enjoy his grandson’s wedding this summer, and remind all of us never to take good health for granted. (Job 8:20,21)

Didn’t the Greatest British Novelist
Know About ‘Haircut Guys’?

I read the classic Charles Dickens tale, Oliver Twist, to Maddy, age 8, while she was home sick with the flu. Don’t get excited: it was a $1.99, dumbed-down, cheapo, condensed version with big type. I like buying “classics for kids” because the stories are great and, in this format, the vocabulary isn’t too tough to understand. So it’s a win-win.

There were a few old-fashioned pen-and-ink drawings illustrating the text. They showed the poor, bedraggled orphans, beggars and pickpockets of dreary 19th Century England.

At book’s end, I turned to Maddy, wondering what her final comment would be. How bad the poor had it, back then? The sociocultural implications of the workhouses of the Industrial Age? Child labor? How they all survived without (gasp) cars and (horrors!) cell phones?

Noooooo. Apparently thinking only of those illustrations, she asked with a frown:

“Didn’t they have ‘haircut guys’ in those days?”

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PRAYER REQUEST: Safety for a newly-pregnant young woman who is going to Israel for a month with the Denver Theological Seminary . . . safe delivery of a healthy Cohen Michael, expected any day now . . . a great sales price on a “Granny Cottage” in Tennessee.