DailySusan Humor Blog

TWO-EYED, NO-HORNED, WARTLESS
PURPLE POTATO EATER?!?

Well, now I've heard everything. I thought I was clever to buy a bunch of bananas at the store. I told the produce clerk I was going to feed them to my daughter, and then cut off a piece of the peel, and make her hold it against a tiny little spot between two of her tiny toes that we think is an emerging wart.

They say the chemicals inside a banana peel will take out a wart and spare you the pain of having one frozen off.

But the produce clerk informed me that a BETTER remedy is to slice a purple potato, and hold THAT against the wartlet.

Her father, in fact, swears by it.

I didn't even KNOW there was such a THING as purple potatoes . . . but I'll try anything once. Actually, I bought a little sack of them in a little purple net, and they're pretty cute and I'm sure very nutritious.

We designated them for wart duty, though, and got started tonight. I'll report back, and if it works, I'll turn in a long, scholarly article about it to the New England Journal of Medicine. Typed up in PURPLE INK, of course.

Just for you purists, here are those lyrics that have been kicking around inside your head this whole time:


Lyrics to Purple People Eater
(By Sheb Wooley; sold 100 million copies; #1 song for 6 weeks in 1958)

Well I saw the thing comin' out of the sky
It had the one long horn, one big eye.
I commenced to shakin' and I said "ooh-eee"
It looks like a purple people eater to me.

It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater.
(One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater)
A one-eyed one-horned, flyin' puple people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (one eye?)

Well he came down to earth and lit in a tree
I said Mr. Purple People Eater don't eat me
I heard him say in a voice so gruff
I wouldn't eat you cuz you're so tough

It was a one-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (one horn?)

I said Mr. Purple People Eater, what's your line?
He said it's eatin' purple people and it sure is fine
But that's not the reason that I came to land
I wanna get a job in a rock and roll band

Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flying purple people eater.
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater
(we wear short shorts) Flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me.

And then he swung from the tree and lit on the ground.
He started to rock, really rockin' around
It was a crazy little ditty with a swingin' tune
(sing aboop boop aboopa lopa lum bam boom)

Well, bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple people eater.
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater.
Flyin' little people eater
Sure looks strange to me. (purple people?)

And then he went on his way, and then what do you know?
I saw him last night on a TV show.
He was blowing it out, a'really knockin' 'em dead
Playin' rock and roll music through the horn in his head (clarinet solo) (Tequila)