SWIMSUIT SEASON'S COMING; WHERE'S MY SHOCK COLLAR?

Our black Lab puppy, Mazie, has a special shock collar for her hunting training. It's amazing to see how quickly she learns what NOT to do in the sport of retrieving when a small shock is delivered via remote control.

Also, we have invisible fencing on our corner lot. So if she runs up too close to the street, she gets another small shock. Works like a charm to keep her on our property.

But when people walk by with other, interesting dogs, she runs right up to the invisible fence line, and barks and barks. She won't go over the line, but she still barks at them and acts like she wants to eat them alive. It's annoying.

So yesterday, I put her hunting shock collar on, too, and peered out the kitchen window with the walkie talkie. Sure enough, a dog-walker strolled by, and Mazie came off our porch and made a beeline for them, barking her head off.

I pressed the button briefly on the walkie talkie. She halted in mid-bark and mid-air . . . went silent . . . and stopping running AND barking. She didn't look hurt or scared, just puzzled. The dog-walker sauntered on, unassailed.

Hmm: swimsuit season is just a few weeks ahead. MAYBE I SHOULD PUT THAT SHOCK COLLAR ON MYSELF . . . and every time I veer too close to the snack drawer or the refrigerator . . . BZZZZT!!!!!

Yeah! It'll be the next big thing in dieting. It'll be as big as Atkins, as popular as Weight Watchers, easier and cheaper than any of the rest. Call it the ZAP FLAB DIET!!!

SAD COMMENTARY ON WORLD AFFAIRS,
AND SOFT, PUDGY, SUBURBAN PARENTS

We were visiting at the annual "Pastries With Parents" event at school this morning. Several of the parents were complaining about the fact that, at the new middle school, there is only one road leading up to the building. One way in, one way out. Traffic Jam City.

"Who can we complain to?" I asked.

"The school board," someone said.

There was a pause. Then Maddy blurted out:

"YOU COULD HOLD A RIOT!!!"

I don't think that's what they have in mind when they call out for parents to get more "involved" at school. :>)

BACK IN THE SADDLE AFTER A SHORT VACA . . .

WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO SMELL
IN THE PEAK MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE

At an old friend's funeral, several hilarious stories were shared. This was my favorite:

'Way back in the Truman Administration, the friend was just starting out after college. He landed a great job in PR for a Congressman in the nation's capital.

The Congressman had arranged to bring in four Native American chiefs from his home state to meet the President and the Secretary of the Interior. They would sign a few papers, plant a tree, and of course, have the obligatory photo op.

But there was one problem: the chiefs showed up in elegant business suits.

What's wrong with that? The Congressman wanted them in traditional Indian chief garb . . . for the photo op.

So the young cub staffer's assignment was to take the four men all over town sight-seeing (and, yes, the Congressman urged him, in a typical 1950s Politically Incorrect way, to keep them out of the bars!!!), and then get them into the right kind of clothing for the photo op.

He didn't know what else to do, so he took them to a costume shop. 'Way back in the bowels of the shop, they had Indian garb. Hadn't been used for years, but looked great. All set!

So they got to the White House. All shook hands, and posed for the picture, which ran in newspapers around the country.

The thing was, President Truman's face looked kind of funny in the picture. Why? My friend overheard him muttering to the Secretary of the Interior:

"I SMELL MOTHBALLS!!!!"

ONLY A GUY WOULD WANT TO DO THIS
TO CELEBRATE HIS 80th BIRTHDAY

We know someone who will turn 80 next week. He is very, very special and has done a lot of great things in his life.

BUT . . .

To mark his octogenarian birthday, he wants to SKYDIVE!!!!!

His wife of nearly 60 years is none too pleased. Even his sons, both daredevils in their own right, are against it.

Here's the quote that might put a stop to this, once and for all, though it has been a lot of fun contemplating and kidding back and forth about the idea:

YOU DO NOT NEED A PARACHUTE TO SKYDIVE.

YOU ONLY NEED A PARACHUTE TO SKYDIVE TWICE.

WHAT ROVING EYES CAN SEE
ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN AT WORK

The beautiful young wife mentioned a childhood toy that she had loved playing with: "My Little Ponies."

An only child, the handsome young husband hadn't paid a bit of attention to "girl toys." He wanted to know what his beloved was talking about.

So, in a slack moment at work, where he was an up-and-coming business executive, he surfed to the My Little Ponies website. He looked, amazed, at the pink and purple plastic prancing ponies and the mountain of accessories you can buy for them.

Suddenly, a coworker was standing behind him with a bird's-eye view of that computer screen. HE GASPED!!!

The entire office assumed it was something dastardly and shocking that he saw -- you know, pornography or the like. But when the snooper TOLD them it was "only" My Little Ponies, it was even WORSE for the poor curious young husband.

Too bad he didn't have a real one, to ride away on.

EARLY SPRING:
IT SMELLS LIKE WHAT?!?

Picked up Maddy at school on a cool, misty day, and she delighted me by saying, "It smells like spring."

Ooh! There's nothing so wonderful as to have a child who notices nature . . . who waxes poetic about the change in seasons . . . who imagines colorful tulips and perky daffodils on their way.

Oh, joy, oh rapture!

But then she completed her observation. "DEAD WORMS!!!"

DISTRESSED BY HIS
NEVER-FAILING THRIFT

Rotten luck, having a practical-minded husband. I've made a big show of keeping a certain coffee table in storage while our new puppy, and specifically, our new puppy's TEETH, were around.

But now that she's six months old, and slightly more calmed down, for a Labrador, I mentioned that maybe it was time to put the table back in place so that the hearthroom doesn't look so much like a kennel, with dog toys everywhere and this big, empty space.

"But I'm worried," I strategically began. "If the puppy gnaws on that table, it'll be wrecked, and we've only had it for 20 years, so it's practically brand new, and I really wasn't planning on getting anoth. . . ."

He interrupted me. "Oh, no, then it would be in style: the DISTRESSED look is big."

Sighhhhhh.

SUDOKU IN THE W.C.:
FROM THE 'WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?' FILE

I'm still laughing over a photo I saw during an online search for something entirely different:

They now make toilet paper marked with sudoku puzzles!

You know, those Japanese math grid games with nine squares and you try to use the numbers from 1-9 in a certain way.

They are too hard for those with math anxiety, such as moi, to begin with. Then, to put them on t.p. -- and it is IMPOSSIBLE to leave a sudoku unfinished -- no one would ever leave and get back to their regular lives!

Think of all the lost productivity time in the workplace! Think of the broken marriages and dysfunctional families as we all stay in the W.C. trying to complete those confounded things!

This could be worse for America than Pearl Harbor!!!

AIRLINE MECHANICS HUMOR:
THESE QANTAS GUYS ARE A BIT O' ALL RIGHT!

These are reportedly true messages collected from the Repair Division at Qantas Airlines.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

4 NUDES IN A PICKUP IN LINCOLN, NEBRASKA:
AND THIS ISN'T THE START OF A BAD JOKE?

Got some inside information on the two young men and two young women who were stopped for a traffic infraction by a police officer in Lincoln, Nebraska, recently . . . all four of them buck naked.

Turns out it is not against the law in the Cornhusker State to drive or ride around in a vehicle without your clothes on, even in the dead of winter. The driver was ticketed for Driving While Intoxicated, and failure to wear a seatbelt -- but the citation did NOT mention that the driver was not wearing anything ELSE, either.

Someone I know knows one of them. The story behind the story is this: one of the young women didn't know how to drive a manual transmission (under the circumstances, I can't bring myself to use the term "stick shift") . . . so! . . . it was determined that a proper course of action would be to give her a quick lesson, and then drive around town, and every time she dropped the clutch, everybody in the car would have to shed an article of clothing. Sort of like Strip Poker On Wheels.

I'm just going to let that one sit in cyberspace for a while, while we all contemplate the implications and the visual imagery . . .

. . . but I must say this: HEY! IT'S EMBARRASSING ENOUGH AS IT IS WHEN YOU'RE FIRST LEARNING HOW TO DRIVE A STICK!!!!!!!

BREAKING NEWS:
WHERE SNOW SPARKLES COME FROM

Spend a little time with a little child, and you'll learn something. And how. This past weekend, we were walking outside after dark, and in the glare of the streetlights, the newly-fallen snow at our feet was sparkling like crazy.

Maddy informed me, "The Tooth Fairy and her helpers put the sparkles there."

HUNH? Upon further questioning, she reported that they take the sparkles OFF the children's teeth that they collect, and then they put them in the snow for all to enjoy.

All my stress, worries and pain fell away. There's something very precious and special about the imagination of a child. . . .

GRANDMA WEARS HER HEART ON HER SLEEVE
AND ON HER T-SHIRT? YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT

Daughter Neely is going to run a half-marathon in Lincoln again. Last spring, the fam went there to be her cheering section at the midway point. Then we scurried to Memorial Stadium for the big finish. It was a thrill!

I made matching bright yellow T-shirts with red letters out of duct tape for us, so that she'd be sure to see us on the route. Her dad wore the "N," her 80-something grandma wore "EE," I wore the "L" and Maddy wore the "Y."

We were like the Keystone Kops, flying around to make sure we were standing in order when she ran by. Big smile. We did it!

But Grandma has gotten even more "spin" off the experience. We found out she has been going around telling her bluehair friends that she wore the "EE" T-shirt but felt uneasy . . . BECAUSE A LADY REALLY SHOULDN'T BROADCAST HER BRA SIZE LIKE THAT.

Life with her really is a marathon of humor . . . and always a thrill!

GREAT WOLF LODGE:
IT FIGURES

Last weekend, we spent the night at the Great Wolf Lodge in another city. It's a truly great hotel with an indoor waterpark and several other nice features.

We got the best table at the waterpark, which allowed us to watch people come barreling down the last few feet of the waterslides and flop into the splash pool.

I was intently watching, when something caught my eye. I turned . . . and practically buried my nose into THE FURRIEST BACK I HAVE EVER SEEN! It was the man at the next table, who had his fur . . . I mean . . . his back to me. That guy's back had more hair than an entire ballroom full of middle-aged men at a class reunion.

The rather chubby older man with the furry back luckily did not see the expression on my face.

Then I remembered the name of the place -- Great WOLF Lodge -- ahhhh, yes. It figures!

SITTING NEXT TO A DRAGON BREATH PERSON
CAN ACTUALLY BE A PERFORMANCE ENHANCER

Someone we know who is very, very ladylike was sitting in a college classroom to take her first major test in Statistics class. She was nervous enough as it was . . . but the guy sitting next to her had THE WORST BREATH IN THE UNIVERSE!!!

She couldn't fumble in her purse for gum or spray perfume; that's counted as cheating.

She couldn't plug her nose; she had to keep one hand on her calculator and one holding her pencil.

She couldn't move to another seat, and she couldn't "not breathe" for 45 minutes. She just had to sit there and take it.

She was so distracted and upset about it, that she figured she probably bombed the test.

Results came back: SHE GOT THE HIGHEST SCORE IN THE CLASS!

That's the secret, students. Make sure your neighbor has loaded up on garlic bread and sauerkraut before each test . . . so that you can smell the sweet smell of an A+.

A VALENTINE'S DAY
SCAVENGER HUNT

Here's a sweet, romantic idea: an older couple were going to be apart on Valentine's Day for the first time ever. The wife was sad that morning. Then she found a love note from him tucked in the kitchen cereal cupboard. She smiled.

But next, she found another one under her soap dish. And another one under the TV remote. Still another one in her hiking boot -- saying how glad he was that she was taking good care of herself.

In all, she found 15 little notes, that he had hidden around the house before he left. He might not have been there in person, but he sure found a memorable way to let her know that he was thinking of her.

And I loved knowing this story, because I let it slip to my own Beloved . . . who came home with a dozen spicily-scented red-orange roses that I'm not sure I would've gotten otherwise!

HEARD OF A FROG
IN YOUR THROAT, BUT . . .

I don't feel so bad about all the glunk in the bottom of my computer keyboard that I didn't know was there. A little girlfriend of our daughter was telling us about the time the neighborhood children got into a mud-throwing fight. Several little frogs were in the mudhole and got caught up in the melee.

She kept playing a while longer, went back inside, had dinner, hung out with her family, and then, at bedtime, she was standing before the mirror running a brush through her hair . . .

. . . and no one will ever "FROG-get" her screams when she found something unusual tangled in her long, brown locks.

Nobody ever TOAD you life didn't have surprises!

WEAR A HELMET AND GOGGLES
WHEN YOU CLEAN YOUR KEYBOARD

I was telling a friend how great it felt to open a new can of compressed air and blow out my computer keyboard.

It prompted him to go and do the same, as several of the keys weren't registering on his computer screen when he typed -- apparently some kind of glunk was lurking underneath and obstructing his keystrokes.

Here's his description of what his cleaning job revealed:

"Birds' nests, pencils, a spoon, two paper cups, and a dog bone came out. No wonder I couldn't spell. :>)"

T-SHIRTS WE LIKE

Now all I need
are some minions.

LEAVE ALL THAT MUMBO-JUMBO
TO THE RUMDUM ADULTS

A friend's cute story about a relative who used to "put on" the kids that you had to wiggle your fingers and murmur magic words to get the garage door to lift (all the while hiding the controller in his pocket) reminded me of our daughter's "put-down" of someone with a similar bent:

Maddy was riding in an ATV with our dear neighbor man and his granddaughter. They came to a gate with an electric eye. The grandpa quickly ran his card through the slot, not letting his toddler granddaughter see him do it.

Her eyes got big. "Gwampa, Gwampa, it's goin' up all by itself!"

With a grin, he proclaimed, "It's magic!"

But our Maddy, ever the cynic, retorted, "No, it's not. It's TECHNOLOGY!!!"

OREGON MUSIC:
WHEN YOUR 'THINKING OREGON' IS ON VACATION

We took our 10-year-old to a hockey game over the weekend. We sat on the "50-yard line," or whatever you call it in hockey. After a while, our daughter pointed clear over to the end of the arena, so far away I could barely see, and said:

"There's the guy who's going to play the Oregon music."

Hmm, I thought. Oregon had the national championship football team. Maybe they're going to play their fight song since the pro football championship, the Super Bowl, was this weekend.

I craned my neck, looking for a guy in a trademark green and yellow Oregon Ducks shirt.

"Right there!" Maddy urged. "Right under that sign! There he is! Don't you see him?"

All I could see was a guy standing at a digital keyboard. He started to play, and through the arena microphones, it sounded just like . . . ORGAN music.

Ohhhhhhhhh, well. I can always pretend I got hit in the cerebrum by a flying hockey puck. . . .