QUOTES WE LIKE:
BUT WHAT'S FOUR?

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

-- John Adams (1735-1826),

Second President of the United States

and Revolutionary War leader

THE CARDIOLOGIST'S DIET:
NO KIDDING

Thanksgiving is a-comin'. Is it your favorite holiday, too? My tastebuds start firing up in mid-July, just thinking about all those favorite foods at the beloved annual feast.

But . . . I'm not as slim and trim as I should be, to be taking in all those extra calories. I should diet, this next week.

Now, we've had the Atkins Diet. And Weight Watchers. And South Beach. And so many more.

None of them worked for me in the long run. Guess it's time to follow the Cardiologist's Diet:

IF IT TASTES GOOD, SPIT IT OUT.

FROM THE 'WHAT A WOILD' DEPARTMENT:
BE CAREFUL WITH THOSE DEGREES!

Have you winced when you see all these tactless ads for a certain medical condition in men which is abbreviated as "E.D."? Think of the poor educators who've worked so hard to get a doctoral degree in education. Maybe they should put the small "d" in Ed.D. in a different color so that people will be sure to notice what it DOESN'T signify.

What's worse, our college-age daughter was standing behind me at my desk and started to snicker. I looked where she was looking: it was my Strong's concordance, a very useful Bible reference book that's well over 1,300 pages. She was laughing at the designation behind the very scholarly author's name:

James Strong, S.T.D.

It stands for "Sacrae Theologiae Doctor," a very high-falutin' academic degree.

Somehow, I think the "S" that he was trying to transmit has more to do with SPIRITUALITY than that other "S" word.

WHOOPS! CORRECTION

Some readers got a bigger kick out of the mistake than the anecdote: in the last posting, that was Nancy SINATRA, not Nancy Fonda. Sorry about mixing celebrity metaphors but hope the flashback to white-lipstick days made you smile. These Boots Are Made For Walkin'. . . .

GIRLISH 'SPIN' ON FOOTBALL:
TAKE TWO

Not to be outdone by their little sister's description of football tackling as "mean hugging," our three older daughters developed these football concepts in their early (and often!) indoctrination in all things Husker:

1. Football players are "go-go's." This must date to the days when we would cheer on our team on TV, shouting, "Go! Go!" to a particular player making a long run, and our girls thought that was the name of the team. With visions of Nancy Fonda in tall, white boots, we always call them "go-go's" now and think it's a much more apt description than "football players."

2. Football players wear uniforms that snug under their knees, but one of our daughters misunderstood and thought they were stylin'. "Ooh!" she exclaimed. "They wear CAPRIS!"

AND LET'S HOPE THEY DO
A LOT OF IT THIS SATURDAY

Our daughter Maddy has gone to a number of University of Nebraska football games this fall. She puts a 9-year-old girl's perspective on the game with her new definition of tackling:

MEAN HUGGING

A DEEP-THINKNG FRIEND
WITH A DRY SENSE OF HUMOR

John is a childhood friend. Yes, he was always funny, in a deep way. He is in to diving now -- the kind you do in the ocean. So no wonder he came up with this . . . excuse the expression . . . pearl:

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if it weren't for the sponges that live there.

BUMPER STICKER SUGGESTS
A MODICUM OF JOB SECURITY

Plumbers and morticians have the best job security in the country. But writers? Hmm. Not so much.

But here's a funny bumper sticker that gives me hope:

SOME PEOPLE HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS.
SOME NOT HAVE WAY.

A NEW MARKET
FOR PORN?!?

I was sad to learn this week that corn ethanol is 30% LESS efficient than regular gasoline. On top of that, it is very expensive despite being subsidized to the tune of tens of billions of tax dollars in recent years. And, according to the University of Minnesota in a recent study, corn ethanol is actually WORSE for the environment than regular gasoline.

At my house, they used to call this situation "taking the gassssssss."

But there's hope for all those behemoth ethanol plants that we've subsidized and built all over the heartland. I heard a radio report the other day in which the speaker mumbled over the phrase "making ethanol out of corn" . . . and, weirdo that I am, I thought he said "making ethanol out of PORN."

Saaaaay! There's a solution! I realize most porn is online these days, but just imagine the happy smiles on the faces of all the decent people when mountains of dirty magazines are cooked up into fuel for our vehicles.

If my hot, red Mini Cooper ran on PORN ETHANOL fuel, then it would be REALLY sexy to drive!

OOH! NOT SO DAILY LATELY, EH?
I'LL TRY TO GET BACK IN THE SWING
WITH A FUNNY STORY ABOUT AN 80-YEAR-OLD RASCAL

My mom turned 80 last week. She grows in humor as much as loveliness and wisdom. She is now stirring the pot as an octogenarian, and loves the role.

A few evenings ago, her phone rang. It was a 50-something neighbor, out walking his dog. He noticed that she had left her garage door up. As a matter of security, he advised her to close it. She thanked him and did.

Next afternoon, she came out of her condo to go to her mailbox. The same neighbor man was out walking the same dog, standing and chatting with another neighbor man in a car.

Mom got one of her ideas.

She waved and called out coquettishly: "Oh, Ed! Thanks for last night!"

The look on both men's faces was priceless . . . and Mom got a bigger kick out of it than any of her birthday presents.