THE MINER WITH THE EXTRA BUSHY,
LONG, LUSTROUS FACIAL HAIR

So there we were at the piano recital. All the kids were wearing their costumes. Maddy, the Ice Princess -- which doesn't bode well for her future husband, ha ha -- had gone second. So she was relaxed as we watched all the others take their turns and walk up onstage to the piano.

One of them was dressed like an old-fashioned coal miner, with a huge pillow stuffed inside a plaid shirt and jeans, with suspenders, and a truly funny long, fuzzy, brown beard and moustache.

I took a look at the big pot belly, and whispered to my family, "That looks like me!"

Maddy turned to me with great sympathy in her big, brown eyes, and said, "Oh, Mom! Don't worry! You don't have NEARLY as big of a moustache as that!"

NOT COUNTING SHEEP . . .
COUNTING LAMB CHOPS!

Still fasting. Strangely, the first day was the hardest. Hubby still having problems, though. He said he was having a little trouble falling asleep last night because of his rumbling stomach. So he thought he'd start "counting sheep."

But pretty soon, they morphed into his favorite main dish off the grill, "Beer Can Chicken" -- you know, the kind where you stand a whole chicken up, pat a barbecue rub all over it, and pour beer into a container below it that rises up and moistens the succulent meat . . .

. . . and yes, I'm getting carried away. The funny thing was, in his bedtime imagination, all these Beer Can Chickens were running up to the fence and, you know, jumping over with their fat little legs pumping around.

No wonder his face was in a pool of saliva this morning!

One more night. Wonder what he'll "count"? For me, it'll be Hershey bars!!!

GOING ON A FAST:
NOT SO FAST!

A certain person who shall remain nameless, but who miraculously shares my last name as well as address and boudoir, has convinced me to go on a 3-day fast.

This is not only for the traditional religious reasons -- we're both concerned about the upcoming elections and want extra focus for prayer and Bible reading -- but also because we're both fighting the battle of the bulge and want to jump-start a little weight loss before the holidays.

The idea came from his close friend and Christian mentor, a business owner who is a pretty funny guy. He went on the fast, too. Yesterday was the first day. I got through it fine since I've done this before. The two men, though, found it pretty hard to not eat, after lifetimes of the opposite.

At dinnertime, my beloved got a call. "This is Valentino's Pizza Parlor," a muffled voice said. "We've got a guy who was just walking by our door, leaned his head in, and passed out. . . ."

Yes, he was making it up. Yes, we all made it through the first 24 hours. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is worth it!

GET YOUR CANS, BARRELS AND TUBS
READY AND IN POSITION

First, the bad news:

We're being invaded by Martians.

Now, the good news:

They eat politicians and pee gasoline!

SALLY SELLS
SOAP SHARDS

Threw away a little lump of soap this morning after showering. It was the last 42 molecules of a bar of Dial. Normally, I don't even blink when I do that.

Then I heard the radio blasting bad news about the economy. Sounds like hard times are ahead for a while. I remembered Grandma's Depression-era household tip about saving the last slivers of soap until you have enough to combine into one decent-sized bar, with a little water.

Would I be stinky and miserable, in the future, yearning for the day when I was rich enough to throw away perfectly good soap?

Yeah, I fished it out and saved it. Helps me feel like I'm doing SOMETHING productive during this . . . excuse the expression . . . economic soap opera.

MAD BOMBER BILL AYERS
IS NOT COMING TO NEBRASKA AFTER ALL

Good thing they canceled the speech by Obama mentor and Chicago would-be murderer and domestic terrorist, Weatherman Bill Ayers, at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.

The outcry here has been . . . explosive.

Don't think anything Ayers might have to say would have been well-received here. In fact, I think his speech would have . . . bombed.

GOTTA SEE 'ELVIS PUGSLEY'
OR 'LITTLE RED RIDING PUG'

A wild and wacky event is coming up Oct. 26 in west Omaha: Pug-O-Ween, featuring dozens of pug dogs in costume. There'll be prizes for the funniest, best look-alike, most original, and best group costumes starting at 1 p.m. at Chalco Hills, 154th & Giles.

I just think pugs are the craziest-looking little bug-eyed Winston Churchills to begin with. But to see them in little costumes . . . well, it's not to be missed.

You can see more about it on http://pug.meetup.com/593

LVURPL8:
MESSAGE FROM A FUN GRANDPA

I was in line in the pet store with my $100 worth of guinea pig purchases, and gagging over the extravagance for Miss Maddy's favorite indoor pet. Uff da! For an $8 rodent, this is getting ridiculous.

Anyway, through the store window I could see the license plate on a jaunty red car:

QTPA2TZ

Couldn't translate it, so I turned to the guy behind me. He happened to own the car, and told me what it meant:

CUTIE PATOOTIES -- his wife's name for their beloved grandchildren.

Awwww!

Got a jolt about my future: if I will drop one hundred bucks for a glorified pet RODENT, how much am I going to be spending on my adorable GRANDCHILDREN some day?!?!?

FRANKENSTEIN FINGERS:
FUNNY SNACKS, SCARY GOOD

Do I dare give a bunch of little girls the finger this Halloween? I came across a recipe for a funny snack that gives a whole new meaning to the term "finger food." Think we'll serve it at Maddy's Halloween party.

You use refrigerated breadstick dough as the top and bottom of a long, fat "finger," putting ham and Monterey Jack cheese inside with some mustard. You kind of pinch the top breadstick to the bottom and round it and shape it like a finger. You even let a little of the top part of the dough hang over the edge of the "front," like a long fingernail.

You score around the oval where the fingernail "cuticle" would be, and score a few wrinkles for "knuckles."

Then you beat an egg yolk or two, and add food coloring to make green or blue or yellow, and then you "paint" the fingernail and the skin different wacky colors with a basting brush.

Bake 12 or 13 minutes at 350 degrees, and you have a fun snack for the kids of the . . . ahem . . . digital age.

THE KIND OF MATH
THEY HAVE IN D.C.

Received a number puzzle today that I think the folks at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac could've gotten on the very first try.

With just one stroke, how can you make this add up?

5 + 5 + 5 = 550

Thinking?

Thinking?

The answer is that you make that first + into a 4.

Then it's 545 + 5 = 550.

Now you're ready to take a cushy job in one of those sleazy, slimy bailout companies and "make deals happen" like that. Uff da!!!

THE MIND CONTROL GUYS
ARE COMING AT 11 A.M.

Dave was walking Maddy out to the car to take her to school this morning. I called after him, "Controlled Rain is coming at 11."

Maddy's eyebrows shot up, and she beamed. "Controlled BRAIN?!?"

Yikes! I had just been researching RFID chips yesterday, and learned for the first time that the radio frequencies in those chips are thought to be able to mess with yo' mind, in a covert, neurological kind of way.

But noooooo. Controlled Rain, not Brain, is our sprinkler system company, shutting off our lawn sprinklers for the fall.

The only thing controlling MY brain is the thought of dark chocolate. Ahhhhhh! Like a zombie, a robot, my brain causes me to stagger hypnotically toward the treat drawer. . . .

IF YOU PUT YOUR KID IN TAE KWON DO,
YOU'LL GET DEMOTED

Maddy, 8, just loves, loves, LOVES her new tae kwon do class. That's Korean for "hand foot art." But in American, it translates as "even though I am less than four feet tall, I am now a certified BAD ASSSSSSSSSSSS."

At bedtime, she was showing me some of her moves. "Wow!" I said. "Take it easy! Just because you know tae kwon do doesn't mean you can beat your mother up."

"You're not my mother anymore," she announced solemnly. "NOW YOU ARE MY MINION!!!!!"

Back after a busy summer and completion of the 112-page November/December issue of RFD-TV The Magazine:

FINALLY, WE CAN PROVE IT:
POLITICIANS CAUSING GLOBAL WARMING!!!!

Two new studies indicate that it is "random, wind-induced circulation changes in the ocean" that is causing the recent ice loss in the Greenland and West Antarctic glacial sheets.

No!!!!! Duh!!!!! That wind is coming straight from the U.S. election campaigns, too. Thank goodness it will subside after November.

Full story at http://www.sciencemag.org/cgi/content/full/322/5898/33?sa_campaign=Email/sntw/3-October-2008/10.1126/science.322.5898.33