One triathlete was 75 years old. She said he was "ripped" though very thin, and was very, very tan. While she admired his tenacity for keeping in such great shape at such an advanced age, she said:
"He looked like a piece of beef jerky."
Friday, August 12, 2016
Not Iron Man -- Beef Jerky Man
Our teenage daughter is volunteering at a national triathlon in our city this weekend. Yesterday, she spent hours in the welcome tent. She was distributing T-shirts and goodie bags to participants from all over the world.
One triathlete was 75 years old. She said he was "ripped" though very thin, and was very, very tan. While she admired his tenacity for keeping in such great shape at such an advanced age, she said:
"He looked like a piece of beef jerky."
One triathlete was 75 years old. She said he was "ripped" though very thin, and was very, very tan. While she admired his tenacity for keeping in such great shape at such an advanced age, she said:
"He looked like a piece of beef jerky."
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Win a Golf Tournament, Get a Jacket
Mr. Wonderful's recent men's golf stag was a funhouse take on much more famous golf tournaments. For example, you've probably heard of The Masters in Augusta, Ga., one of the worldwide majors. The climax is when the previous year's champion helps the new winner put on a beautiful, classy, green sport jacket.
Well, at this local tournament, the winner of each flight got to come forward and put on a jacket, all right -- but they were all about $3 jobbies from the local thrift shop. My husband's was actually a women's collarless jacket in a jaunty black, white and gray buffalo plaid. He didn't look THIS bad in it, but pretty close:
Well, at this local tournament, the winner of each flight got to come forward and put on a jacket, all right -- but they were all about $3 jobbies from the local thrift shop. My husband's was actually a women's collarless jacket in a jaunty black, white and gray buffalo plaid. He didn't look THIS bad in it, but pretty close:
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
When Golfers Get Too Frisky: FORE!
Hubby was in a men's stag golf tournament over the weekend that featured one crazy golfer in a Scottish outfit, complete with kilt.
Apparently, he bragged of "going commando" in the underwear department, though mercifully, he didn't try to prove it.
However, it was unwise of the organizers to place the beer coolers in a prominent part of the ballroom for the party afterwards. The kilt wearer manfully strode up to the cooler to get a beer, bent over . . .
. . . and removed alllllllll doubt.
It gave new meaning to the term "highland fling."
Apparently, he bragged of "going commando" in the underwear department, though mercifully, he didn't try to prove it.
However, it was unwise of the organizers to place the beer coolers in a prominent part of the ballroom for the party afterwards. The kilt wearer manfully strode up to the cooler to get a beer, bent over . . .
. . . and removed alllllllll doubt.
It gave new meaning to the term "highland fling."
Monday, July 18, 2016
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Friday, July 15, 2016
Future Flirting Pro
Grandma, Mom and Dad, and Brian, age 9, were at a restaurant. The waitress was a gorgeous blonde young woman.
When Brian ordered, he asked all kinds of questions about the fish tacos on the menu. She answered kindly. When the food came, he asked for extra salsa, which she brought, and later a go-box, which she provided.
When she came with the bill, Brian brought down the house. He looked at her and said:
"CALL ME!!!"
When Brian ordered, he asked all kinds of questions about the fish tacos on the menu. She answered kindly. When the food came, he asked for extra salsa, which she brought, and later a go-box, which she provided.
When she came with the bill, Brian brought down the house. He looked at her and said:
"CALL ME!!!"
Thursday, July 14, 2016
What We Need to Ban to Stay Safe
The horrible terrorism incident on Bastille Day in Nice, France, has created a worldwide push to ban ASSAULT TRUCKS.
That reminds me -- since the murder "weapon" in the case of Steven Roy Harper in Omaha many years ago was actually a pitcher of lemonade in which he placed poison, I feel we also need to ban ASSAULT LEMONADE.
Then one of the murderers on Death Row in Nebraska drowned a little boy in the bathtub. Naturally, this calls for a worldwide ban on ASSAULT BATHTUBS.
Sheesh. The only BAN I want to hear about is the added DEODORANT under the arms of ISIS terrorists when they hear American bombers overhead. :>)
That reminds me -- since the murder "weapon" in the case of Steven Roy Harper in Omaha many years ago was actually a pitcher of lemonade in which he placed poison, I feel we also need to ban ASSAULT LEMONADE.
Then one of the murderers on Death Row in Nebraska drowned a little boy in the bathtub. Naturally, this calls for a worldwide ban on ASSAULT BATHTUBS.
Sheesh. The only BAN I want to hear about is the added DEODORANT under the arms of ISIS terrorists when they hear American bombers overhead. :>)
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Arm & Hammer, or Maybe Arm & Pudding
However, maternal buffness is in the eye of the beholder. One time, years ago, I offered my bicep to Maddy, age 10. "Go ahead. Squeeze!" I expected a proclamation that I was muscle-bound.
Instead, she said, "That feels like pudding in a Target sack."
Back to the drawing board, or perhaps the weight room.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BEANS OF ISIS?
Oh, those TV closed caption transcribers. They are weirdoes.
Today I saw a man being interviewed on national TV. The caption strip quoted him as warning us of "the rice of ISIS."
So next are they going to throw rice at us, like we're the bride and groom?!?
Today I saw a man being interviewed on national TV. The caption strip quoted him as warning us of "the rice of ISIS."
So next are they going to throw rice at us, like we're the bride and groom?!?
Friday, March 06, 2015
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR LOVE LIFE?
Some friends went to a party with several other families. Many of them have young-adult kids who grew up together and stayed friends.
Because it had been a while since everyone had gotten together, the hosts arranged to have different colored armbands out on the welcome table, as an ice-breaker.
If you were in a red-hot relationship, you would wear a red armband.
If you were kind of, sort of, on the lookout for someone to date, you would wear purple.
If you were enjoying many friendships, you would wear yellow.
If you had been married for a long, long time, you would wear black.
My friend's son, a college senior, told his mom that if there would have been brown armbands, that's the color he would have chosen.
She asked why.
"Because my love life is in the crapper!" he retorted.
(He is a hunk, and very sweet, but he says he always "gets stuck" in the friendship phase of relationships, and he would like to move into that red armband brigade! So hey, girls -- go get 'im!)
Because it had been a while since everyone had gotten together, the hosts arranged to have different colored armbands out on the welcome table, as an ice-breaker.
If you were in a red-hot relationship, you would wear a red armband.
If you were kind of, sort of, on the lookout for someone to date, you would wear purple.
If you were enjoying many friendships, you would wear yellow.
If you had been married for a long, long time, you would wear black.
My friend's son, a college senior, told his mom that if there would have been brown armbands, that's the color he would have chosen.
She asked why.
"Because my love life is in the crapper!" he retorted.
(He is a hunk, and very sweet, but he says he always "gets stuck" in the friendship phase of relationships, and he would like to move into that red armband brigade! So hey, girls -- go get 'im!)
Saturday, February 28, 2015
LIVE LONG, AND PROSPER
Who's sad about Leonard Nimoy passing away? I am. I adored him.
Learned this fun fact about the unique hand signal that came to be known as the Vulcan greeting on "Star Trek." Turns out Nimoy, who was Jewish, saw some rabbis use that signal as they blessed the congregation. The wording sounds just like the end-of-worship blessing you can hear in countless Protestant churches. No doubt the Protestants copied the Jews in that lovely tribute.
Here's a glance at Mr. Nimoy's neat personality:
http://tabletmag.com/scroll/189323/leonard-nimoy-on-spock-yiddish-theater-and-the-vulcan-symbols-jewish-inspiration
Shalom, and RIP, good man.
Learned this fun fact about the unique hand signal that came to be known as the Vulcan greeting on "Star Trek." Turns out Nimoy, who was Jewish, saw some rabbis use that signal as they blessed the congregation. The wording sounds just like the end-of-worship blessing you can hear in countless Protestant churches. No doubt the Protestants copied the Jews in that lovely tribute.
Here's a glance at Mr. Nimoy's neat personality:
http://tabletmag.com/scroll/189323/leonard-nimoy-on-spock-yiddish-theater-and-the-vulcan-symbols-jewish-inspiration
Shalom, and RIP, good man.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
DANGEROUS CONTENTS
Took a box with the CD's of the first two seasons of the hit TV series, "Downton Abbey," to the post office. A dear friend and neighbor has moved to Montana and is getting a tiny bit stir crazy in the long winter months.
This engaging show about the British aristocracy should hit the spot. In fact, it is so good that the resident teenager and I have binge-watched it, several hours at a time, on several occasions. It's addictive!
So when the post office clerk asked if the box contained anything fragile, liquid, perishable, etc., I had to answer "yes" to the last one:
Is there anything "hazardous" inside?
Yes! If you get hooked on "Downton Abbey," it can be "hazardous" to your dusting, cooking, laundry, vacuuming, dog-walking, shoveling, grocery-shopping . . . you get the idea.
And do any of us fans care?
As the Brits say: not a bit of it!
This engaging show about the British aristocracy should hit the spot. In fact, it is so good that the resident teenager and I have binge-watched it, several hours at a time, on several occasions. It's addictive!
So when the post office clerk asked if the box contained anything fragile, liquid, perishable, etc., I had to answer "yes" to the last one:
Is there anything "hazardous" inside?
Yes! If you get hooked on "Downton Abbey," it can be "hazardous" to your dusting, cooking, laundry, vacuuming, dog-walking, shoveling, grocery-shopping . . . you get the idea.
And do any of us fans care?
As the Brits say: not a bit of it!
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
SWINE DINING: BET THEY WERE BACON A CAKE THERE, TOO
The huzzbun felt very safe at lunch today. He and his little friends went to a hole-in-the-wall reputed to have fantastic pork barbecue. It did not disappoint. Neither did the name of the joint: "Swine Dining."
What made it even better was that, after they got seated, in burst about 20 law enforcement officers, in black from head to toe, with their firearms and holsters in plain sight.
At first, my Beloved thought maybe there had been a heist and they were there to investigate. But no. There's a firing range not far from there, and apparently they were dropping in for lunch after target practice.
Shortly thereafter, here came a bunch of Air Force guys, in uniform, from the nearby base.
The two groups practically filled up the small restaurant. And as the "civilians" finished their lunch, they speculated that, if some bad guys really did come in at that moment and stick up the place . . . they would be shot 450 times by the well-armed customers. Hence, a feeling of peace and safety in which to eat barbecue.
Our daughter put the cherry on top. "You said the place was called 'Swine Dining,' Dad?" she asked. "And these were . . . cops?!?"
What made it even better was that, after they got seated, in burst about 20 law enforcement officers, in black from head to toe, with their firearms and holsters in plain sight.
At first, my Beloved thought maybe there had been a heist and they were there to investigate. But no. There's a firing range not far from there, and apparently they were dropping in for lunch after target practice.
Shortly thereafter, here came a bunch of Air Force guys, in uniform, from the nearby base.
The two groups practically filled up the small restaurant. And as the "civilians" finished their lunch, they speculated that, if some bad guys really did come in at that moment and stick up the place . . . they would be shot 450 times by the well-armed customers. Hence, a feeling of peace and safety in which to eat barbecue.
Our daughter put the cherry on top. "You said the place was called 'Swine Dining,' Dad?" she asked. "And these were . . . cops?!?"
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
MAKE THEM LOOK AT A PHOTO OF YOUR WHAT?!?
A Jewish friend of mine wrote this funny post on Facebook:
An open plea to the Kardashian-Jenner clan. Enough is enough. I do not need another picture of Kim's FAT Tush. I don't care who the other sisters are having babies with. If Bruce wants to transgender, bless his/her heart, but I have no interest. If the little Jenner wants to model topless, fine, but I don't need to see it. If the Kardashian-Jenner family does not cease and desist immediately I will be forced to start sending them photos of my life starting with my "bris" (circumcision for the non-Jewish readers).
WHOA! But it could work.
An open plea to the Kardashian-Jenner clan. Enough is enough. I do not need another picture of Kim's FAT Tush. I don't care who the other sisters are having babies with. If Bruce wants to transgender, bless his/her heart, but I have no interest. If the little Jenner wants to model topless, fine, but I don't need to see it. If the Kardashian-Jenner family does not cease and desist immediately I will be forced to start sending them photos of my life starting with my "bris" (circumcision for the non-Jewish readers).
WHOA! But it could work.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Friday, February 13, 2015
THE SENIOR BREAKFAST FLAKE
My mom's Lut'eran church was having a food drive to help the local pantries and homeless shelters. They wanted people to bring in cereal to donate.
To make it fun, they devised a competition. They divided the congregation alphabetically into two teams. Last names that started with A-L were called "The Flakes." Last names with M-Z were "The Puffs."
On the designated Sunday, you were supposed to bring in your cereal boxes in sacks, to be weighed. Then the team with the most pounds would be the winners.
Well, my mom came in with two big sacks with the tops of cereal boxes peeking out. She declared that, since she had been a flake all her life, she was joining the Puffs team that day. That got a laugh.
THEN in front of everybody the moderator picked up her sacks of cereal boxes -- but could barely lift them!
She had tucked several BRICKS into the bottom of the sack!!!
If only they had confession and penance in the Lut'eran church!
To make it fun, they devised a competition. They divided the congregation alphabetically into two teams. Last names that started with A-L were called "The Flakes." Last names with M-Z were "The Puffs."
On the designated Sunday, you were supposed to bring in your cereal boxes in sacks, to be weighed. Then the team with the most pounds would be the winners.
Well, my mom came in with two big sacks with the tops of cereal boxes peeking out. She declared that, since she had been a flake all her life, she was joining the Puffs team that day. That got a laugh.
THEN in front of everybody the moderator picked up her sacks of cereal boxes -- but could barely lift them!
She had tucked several BRICKS into the bottom of the sack!!!
If only they had confession and penance in the Lut'eran church!
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Bigtime Busted at the Dairy Queen
This morning, my friend and I joined a challenging spinning class at our workout place. She has done triathlons, but this high-level fitness stationary bicycling was new to me. I was a little nervous about whether I would fall off, get my foot stuck, have a heart attack, etc. I was feeling particularly weak because I've been strictly dieting, too. Carrot and celery sticks do not a muscle powerhouse make.
Before it began, I ran into an old friend outside the class. She was headed over to the weight machines. She said that she was working out intensively in preparation for a big treat coming up for her 60th birthday. She and her husband were going to join a group that was going to bike ride across Europe!
Wow! Talk about fitness! What a superstar! I was very proud of her, but secretly chagrined at my own sloth, pudge, and lack of discipline and commitment.
But time heals all wounds. My Beloved came home and said that he ran into her at the Dairy Queen this afternoon, porking out with delicious ice cream and all the fixin's!
BUSTED! HER COVER STORY BROKE AN AXLE! AND IT FEELS SO GOOD!
Before it began, I ran into an old friend outside the class. She was headed over to the weight machines. She said that she was working out intensively in preparation for a big treat coming up for her 60th birthday. She and her husband were going to join a group that was going to bike ride across Europe!
Wow! Talk about fitness! What a superstar! I was very proud of her, but secretly chagrined at my own sloth, pudge, and lack of discipline and commitment.
But time heals all wounds. My Beloved came home and said that he ran into her at the Dairy Queen this afternoon, porking out with delicious ice cream and all the fixin's!
BUSTED! HER COVER STORY BROKE AN AXLE! AND IT FEELS SO GOOD!
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Cooling? Warming? Cooling? Warming? Make Up Your Mind!
The switch among scientists from Chicken Little warnings about global cooling, to Chicken Little warnings about global warming, and now back again, makes for a lot of confusion and also wry humor.
A friend reports that a time and temperature sign in the heart of the city at 90th and Dodge Streets this morning showed the rush-hour temperature as:
-196 F
With tongue firmly in cheek, he asks, "Is that some kind of a record?"
Another pundit quipped: "See? I knew Obama would conquer global warming."
A friend reports that a time and temperature sign in the heart of the city at 90th and Dodge Streets this morning showed the rush-hour temperature as:
-196 F
With tongue firmly in cheek, he asks, "Is that some kind of a record?"
Another pundit quipped: "See? I knew Obama would conquer global warming."
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