GOLFER GUY TRIP SCAM . . . AND IT WORKED!

Heard about four clever fellows who told their wives they were going on a 4-day, bucket-list type golf trip to play Pebble Beach. That's the storied and very expensive golf course south of San Francisco.

Well, these canny laddies each brought four golf outfits for the trip. But they didn't play four of those very expensive rounds. Ah, no.

With a few wisely-placed tips to their caddy, they played Pebble Beach, all right -- but made a beeline  to the restroom after playing three separate holes. Why? To change into another golf outfit!

They had the caddy take their picture four separate times in that one round, with four different golf backgrounds on the highly recognizable course, and each time they were all wearing different golf outfits.

THEN they boarded a plane for Las Vegas . . . and spent the next three days gambling and carousing, even though those were not specifically wife-approved activities. Not sure if they wound up spending more, or less, money than the planned-upon four rounds at Pebble.

But when they got home, they each had four different golf pix to show their better halves. Yes, they got away with it. Bogey for honesty . . . birdie for ingenuity.

BLACK WALNUT PAIN: AW, NUTS!

My neighbor encourages me to harvest the dropped black walnut shells from around her tree. I take about half, and leave the other half for our fuzzy little squirrel friends.

Have to give two thumbs down for how much it hurts to hand-shell the thick and gooshy outer shell away so that the hard-as-nails inner shell can dry out. Did it in the sink, using mostly my thumbs, and now they are ouchie-oochie. The inner shells are on racks in the basement for two weeks:

Then, when a good football game is on TV, I will crack each one with a hammer, trying my best to avoid the aforementioned thumbs. Then I will snip off remaining hard shell parts with wire cutters. That's how you extract the most lovely black walnut nutmeats. Time-consuming? Certainly. Worth it? Oh, yes.

Black walnuts thus harvested will keep in the freezer for two years. But they will probably last only 'til December. Then it will be time to make my favorite Christmas cookies: black walnuts in the sugar-cookie dough, rolled in powdered sugar, and baked to warm perfection. Mmmmmm! By then, my thumbs will have recovered, too -- I hope.

PEAR SNOW: A TREAT TO HELP YOU PARE DOWN

My neighbor's pear trees had a bumper crop this year. She brought over not one, not two, but FOUR sacks of luscious pears.

It reminded me of this good, light, diet-friendly dessert recipe. Bet I will be making a quadruple batch soon:

Pear Snow

•   5 small pears, peeled and sliced

•   3/4 cup white grape juice or apple juice

•   1/3 cup sugar (use a sugar substitute such as Splenda if you wish)

•   4 tsps. lemon juice

Combine all ingredients in a saucepan. Bring to a boil.

Reduce heat and simmer for 8-10 minutes. Cool slightly.

Pour mixture into a blender. Blend for 1-2 minutes, 'til smooth.

Pour into a pie plate. Cover with a lid or foil. Freeze for about 4 hours or until firm.

Return to the blender for about 30 seconds. Place in individual serving dishes such as glass custard cups. Re-freeze for at least a few more minutes.

Garnish with mint leaves and a maraschino cherry.

Tongue Twisters: Can You Meat Be? I Mean . . . Beat Me?

Try these out. Say them three times in a row. Aloud. Fast. Can you do it? I’m 0-for-3:

            Peggy Babcock

            Soldiers’ shoulders

            Lemon liniment

Of Weirdbeards and Beer

Now I've heard everything: a friend's husband has been ordered to wear a BEARD NET while doing his microbrewery thing, or else. You know, as a hairnet is to a lunch lady in the school cafeteria, a beard net is to a gentleman who brews beer commercially.

The friend is delighted. She hates the beard. She hasn't seen his face for a while, so this is going to be great.

EXCEPT their customers are upset. They say they aren't sure they WANT to drink a microbrew made by a man who DOESN'T have a beard.

I tend to agree.

IRONICALLY FUNNY

Don't know who originated these, or who would admit to it:



The economy is so bad that, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."

Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Live, Laugh, Love . . . But What "L"se?

Our teenager and I were in hysterics this afternoon in traffic, following an SUV with a schmaltzy slogan on a cling on the back window. You've seen it:

We thought we could make a lot of money by creating new clings to go along with that one. Each word would start with "L," like the original. They would be in the same flowery typeface, so that people might expect some more sweet thoughts, and would never expect anything else. But these new "L" words might be a bit . . . edgy:

LUST

LEAK

LOP

. . . or:

LOSE

LOLL

LICK

. . . or:


LURE

LOAD

LAG

. . . or maybe not. We can see the copyright invasion problem right now. Another "L" word: LAWSUIT!